I can't believe we are here. It feels like yesterday I was saying 2013 was going to be a great year. Now 2013 is coming to an end and 2014 is upon us. It has been a year full of experiences. Today I was on Facebook and saw something kind of neat. It was a review of your most popular posts and pictures that were shared of you, so I decided to do that on her. A recap of the years events.
This time last year I was still recovering from my surgery that removed my Fallopian tubes. I was trying to come to terms with not being able to afford IVF and looking into alternate ways to build our family. I tried to start 2013 with a positive attitude. You know what I mean. "This year is going to be different," "This year is going to be our year," "God will bless us this year!" I think people start every year with that kind of talk. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone say "this year was great I hope next year is just as good." Sorry for the rambling. 2012 was a difficult year so we had something to hope for when wishing 2013 would be better. We had been diagnosed with horrible fallopian tubes and the ovaries of a 40 year old.
We started 2013 in the RE's office. January 2nd 2013, we saw Dr. D and he told us that time was of the essence. We knew that money was of the essence too; and money we didn't have. So we decided to wait for God to tell us what to do. We would wait until July, pray about our situation, and see where God took us. In the months between January and July, I prayed for God's will to be done. I came to terms with the fact that God's will may not be for me to have a child of my own. I accepted that God's will may be for Kevin and I to adopt an embryo that was the biological child of someone else; God's will may be for Kevin and I to adopt an already born child; or God's will may be for me to be the best aunt to every child that comes into my life. We decided that we would wait until July. We would retest and decide what to do then. If my results went up or even stayed the same, we would try IVF. If they went down, we would look at adoption of some sort.
In February of 2013, I saw the worst part of infertility. Unconceivably Blessed did another frozen cycle. She called me at work the day of her transfer asking me for advice about how many to transfer. They had three embryos left and their doctor was willing to transfer them all. I said "Go for it. You can carry trips." So they did and they got pregnant! I can't describe to you how happy I was when she told me! A couple of weeks later, on the day of their first ultrasound, she texted me and told me that she was no longer pregnant. I was sitting in my car heading back to work from my lunch break. Brokenhearted doesn't accurately describe the way I felt. I wrote a blog about it that night and I posted a song that I had heard on the radio earlier. The song was "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. I just took a minute to listen to it again and it is still just as powerful to me and it takes me straight back to the same emotional place I was that night.
In May of 2013, Unconceivably Blessed and I started a support group for women with infertility. We both understood the importance of having a companion walking with you on this journey and we wanted to make sure other women had that same company. There was no support group, that we could find, in any surrounding county. So we decided to change that. We met on the second Thursday of every month at the public library. Our first meeting had six or seven women in attendance. Since then every month we have kept the company of amazing women, some traveling as much as an hour to attend. I look forward to every meeting because just as much as I hope I help those ladies, talking to them gives my heart such relief. It's like a heaping dose of infertility medicine (finally, one that I don't have to pay for).
In July, we retested and got good news. My results went up. So we decided to try an IVF cycle. We still had the task of paying for it though. A friend of ours told me about borrowing money from their retirement and suggested we look into it. So we did. We discovered that there are rules to borrowing from your retirement account. One of those rules was that you could only borrow up to half the amount in the retirement account. That month's contribution made half of the total amount just enough to pay for the IVF procedure. We raised the rest of the money with yard sales. Out of the goodness of their hearts, our friends and family donated items so that we could raise more money. God provided!
In September, Unconceivably Blessed and I were contacted by a journalism student who was doing a project on the science of infertility. She wanted to talk to us about our infertility journeys and see if we would be willing to participate in her project. We decided to open our lives up to her and share our stories. It's still a work in progress.
In October, we did our first IVF cycle. It was a different part of the journey. There was territory that I was unfamiliar with. I felt emotions that I had never felt before. These emotions were difficult but important. On October 28th, Dr. D took 13 eggs out of my ovaries and helped us create 10 lives from those eggs.
On November 2nd, we had 5 embryos still developing and we chose to transfer 1 embryo into my uterus. We were able to freeze 3 embryos that made it to day 6 of development. On November 11th, we heard the words that we thought we would never be blessed enough to hear. We were pregnant. That feeling was amazing. It was surreal. It didn't sink in right away but it didn't take long. But it didn't last long either. November 19th we found out that we had miscarried. I thought that was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know how hard the days to come would be.
But November wasn't a total wash. On November 11th, the same day we found out we were pregnant, we found out that my little sister was pregnant. I was going to be a real aunt. Now, I have always been honest on this blog and this is not a time for exception. I have to be completely honest and say that I didn't know how to feel. Of course I was excited and glad that my sister didn't have any issues with infertility and didn't have to go through what we had been through. But I must admit that I was a little bit of a brat at first. I did feel like a little baby rain shower whose thunder had been stolen. For a minute I thought "are you kidding me, we just went through hell to get pregnant, we finally do and we can't have it to ourselves for five minutes?" But then the happiness of me being an aunt, being pregnant at the same time with my sister, and knowing she didn't have to experience the hell that we had just gone through replaced those feelings. I felt terrible for not being elated from the beginning, but I made the conscious decisions to change those feelings.
Over the two weeks that we were pregnant together, we texted back and forth sharing what different symptoms we were experiencing. After Kevin and I found out that we miscarried, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her because I knew that she would feel guilty that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I so badly didn't want her to feel anything but happy for herself. But more importantly I wanted to feel happy for her. But I didn't. I couldn't feel happy for her because I felt so sorry for myself. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions from my miscarriage while she got more and more pregnant. I started to feel myself getting more and more bitter and resentful. I found myself feeling the same way I did about pregnant women in general when I was first diagnosed with infertility. But no matter how hard I tried to change my mind, I couldn't change those feelings. No matter how many times I prayed for God to take those thoughts captive and change them, they remained. But this wasn't some woman walking down the street. This was my sister. What kind of person was I that I was hurt and jealous that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I can't tell you how many times I said to myself "get over yourself girl." But I couldn't tell her that I had all of these feelings because I knew it would break her heart and that would re-break mine. I knew her heart and I knew that if she thought she had hurt me, it will kill her. So I decided not to tell her and suffer quietly, alone. But that fixes nothing.
So I set out to fix it. I refused to stay like that. I refused to be what made her feel guilty for being pregnant and I refused to be quiet about this experience. My main problem was that I wanted to deal with the pain of the miscarriage too quickly. I wanted to cry a good ugly cry, pick myself up and move on. That wasn't going to happen. This non-superhero that sometimes forgets she's human was expecting too much. I was putting too much pressure on myself, not letting myself go through the grieving process and heal properly. It's ok to be mad, sad, jealous, and hurt. But it's not ok for me to stay that way forever. I have to go through each one of those emotions to come out healthy on the other side. I haven't stopped feeling mad that I am no longer pregnant, but I don't feel it everyday. I have certainly not stopped feeling sad that we will never meet our first baby, that we will never know if it was a boy or a girl, or that God took him/her to heaven before letting us enjoy them on earth. I have cried almost everyday since November 19th, but that is better than crying everyday.
The blessings are what I have to concentrate on. Some days that is soooooo much easier said than done. Nonetheless, that is what I have to do. One of my fellow infertiles told me that she was clinging to her faith because that is all she had left. I am so blessed that I am a child of God and He is strengthening me. I am blessed that God gave me a husband who is strong, steadfast, and extremely patient with me. I am blessed that I have family and friends that love me through this. I am blessed to have a niece or nephew on the way. I am blessed to have an amazing support system in my infertility family. I am blessed that we have 3 more embryos waiting to become babies. I am blessed that now, because of this horribly painful experience, I can tell another woman who miscarries that she will be ok. I will know that it is enough to just sit and wait until she is ready to talk. Without infertility I don't know if I would appreciate just how blessed I am.
At the beginning of 2013 I wrote a post similar to this one, recapping 2012 and looking forward to 2013. At the end of that blog I wrote: "So here's to 2013, the prosperous year of the 13! A year of less bad news for all of us, bigger hopes, smiles all around, more what if dreams, and maybe, just maybe, our baby reality!"
Now at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 I have this to say:
It was 13 months after being officially diagnosed with infertility that we had 13 eggs retrieved from my 40 year old ovaries. It was 14 days after those 13 eggs were retrieved that we found out we were pregnant, almost 14 months after we were diagnosed with infertility. It was also in the same 14th month that we found out our baby was born into heaven and resting in the arms of Jesus. On January 1 of 2014, my little sister will be 13 weeks pregnant and I will be happy for that! I don't know what 2014 will bring but I do know that '13 and '14 are mysteriously intertwined. So I pray that 2014 will be a year where God's will is done. I pray for healing, strength and understanding through that time.
Don't forget to "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:1-4
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013
Then I cried!
I started crying because she said the words that I had feared for weeks. She said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to tell you that you aren't pregnant anymore." I can't tell you what she said exactly because I all but blacked out. I didn't actually lose consciousness, but that is the best way to describe what happened to me at that moment. I heard her words but I didn't understand her words. I looked at Kevin and asked him what to do. He looked just as confused as I did. We didn't expect that! He stepped over to me and hugged me. He tried to fight back his tears and just held onto me.
Then I cried, harder!
I have never experienced a feeling like that. I felt like I was in a fog and my brain just wouldn't work. I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do next, but just couldn't think. I kept walking back and forth asking what to do and saying I can't figure it out. I needed a plan, but had no clue how to plan. Finally, Kevin told me that we needed to go home. So I called my friend in the next office and asked her if my boss was back from lunch. She immediately knew that something was wrong. It may have a been a clue that I was sobbing. Everyone in my office knew that we had another pregnancy test that day. I imagine that hearing my voice at that moment said everything that needed to be said. She came into my office and helped me figure out how to pack my bags and start on my way home. Because I was so disoriented, she and another friend decided that I didn't need to drive. That was the last thing I needed to do. I can see the headlines now : "Local woman gets pulled over for DWI (Driving While dealing with Infertility)" So they drove me home. Remember that Kevin was working. So he had to call his lieutenant to tell him and ask if he could go home for the day.
The Dr.'s office said that they could only assume that there was something genetically wrong with the fetus that made it incompatible with life. Obviously, there's no way to tell for sure. But that caused a flood of questions to run through my head. Does genetically mean that there is something wrong with me, genetically? Does that mean the other embryos will be genetically incompatible too? Can I make babies at all? Can I do anything right? Is it something I did or didn't do? I started to replay the past two weeks through my head. Had I eaten or drank something that was forbidden? Had I picked something up that was too heavy? Had I gotten too stressed out? Had I not been thankful enough? Had I not prayed hard enough or asked God precisely enough for what I wanted? WHAT DID I DO?
I remember asking the nurse "Is it something I did?" I could hear a unique sadness in her voice when she emphatically told me that it was not my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong! At that time I couldn't make sense of that response. All I could do was cry! It was my fault! I had been entrusted with this amazing miracle and couldn't sustain it. All at the same time, my dream and nightmare had come true.
One wonderful thing about my infertility journey is my support system. Later that night, my mom and dad and Kevin's mom came to the house and sat with us. Trying to make us feel better. Trying to bring a smile to our faces. Then Unconceivably Blessed and Christine stopped by. Unconceivably Blessed walked in with tears in her eyes because she knew exactly how I felt. She had been through this twice. She gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sorry. They brought us a basket of goodies and tissues and sat with us. They succeeded in bringing out a much needed laugh.
I don't think it fully sank in until the next day. I have never in my life felt an emptiness quite like that. Where my heart should have been, there was a hole. Where I had felt signs of life just days before was now nothing. I couldn't think, I didn't want to talk and I couldn't stop crying. In the next couple of days, I stopped crying as much but the emptiness didn't go away. Friends and family continued to come see us, and that helped me but it didn't heal me. People continued to ask me what they could do for me. I felt bad not having an answer for them, but I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
Dr. D's office told me that my period would start in a few days. The one dreaded symbol of womanhood that is Mother Nature's persistent reminder that I'm not pregnant. This month it would be different. This month it would mean that I was no longer pregnant. But ironically enough, I wanted it to come. After the nurse gave us the news, I almost went into denial. I thought it could have been a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe the lab got my results mixed up with someone else's. It was someone else that wasn't pregnant any longer, not me. Until my period came, I had that hope that it was a mistake. So in a way I wanted my period to come so that it was real. Aunt flo finally came and it was terribly painful. Unconceivably Blessed had warned me about how the pain would be. She was spot on. It was a cocktail of relief and devastation.
Then I cried, again!
Then crazy lady came to visit. I started thinking stupid thoughts. I started feeling like I had let Kevin down. If only he had married someone else. He would make such a wonderful father, he didn't deserve this grief. I had let him down, AGAIN! I understand that he has never felt this way. In fact, he has told me on multiple occasions that he didn't marry me for my uterus. He married me because he loved ME. But in the mind of a woman who feels broken and like a failure, these thoughts seem plenty rational. Those thoughts became less frequent and I cried a little less. It was mostly when I was alone and had time to stew that I was the saddest. When I was around people, it wasn't as bad. I could stop thinking about it for a minute. But I was still different. I felt that emptiness no matter who was around; no matter where I was. The happiness that I had before the miscarriage was MIA. Walking down the aisle of the grocery store, I was just in a hurry to get home. Before I took my time, dancing and singing down the aisle. (Come to think about it maybe that's why people stare) Even though Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year, I have barely bought any Christmas presents, I don't want to listen to Christmas songs, and I have no desire to finish decorating the house. I am a pretty happy person, most of the time! But now, I feel like I just exist!
But I've made a decision! I may not be back to "me" tomorrow, but I will get there. I triumphed over crazy lady and infertility before and I WILL do it again! Understand that it might take some time, and I might be sad here and there. But the one thing I haven't lost, only refined through my infertility journey, is my will to FIGHT!!! Those who know me, know that I don't settle and I don't give up without a fight! Why should this be any different. I will always remember our first baby; conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013. God is holding us both now. He will see me through this with you by his side! My faith will be strengthened and one day I will meet you. But until then, I will dream of you, fight through this sadness and pain, and pray for a baby born to me here. I will relearn to trust Him and understand that He has a plan that is much more amazing than mine!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16.
I started crying because she said the words that I had feared for weeks. She said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to tell you that you aren't pregnant anymore." I can't tell you what she said exactly because I all but blacked out. I didn't actually lose consciousness, but that is the best way to describe what happened to me at that moment. I heard her words but I didn't understand her words. I looked at Kevin and asked him what to do. He looked just as confused as I did. We didn't expect that! He stepped over to me and hugged me. He tried to fight back his tears and just held onto me.
Then I cried, harder!
I have never experienced a feeling like that. I felt like I was in a fog and my brain just wouldn't work. I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do next, but just couldn't think. I kept walking back and forth asking what to do and saying I can't figure it out. I needed a plan, but had no clue how to plan. Finally, Kevin told me that we needed to go home. So I called my friend in the next office and asked her if my boss was back from lunch. She immediately knew that something was wrong. It may have a been a clue that I was sobbing. Everyone in my office knew that we had another pregnancy test that day. I imagine that hearing my voice at that moment said everything that needed to be said. She came into my office and helped me figure out how to pack my bags and start on my way home. Because I was so disoriented, she and another friend decided that I didn't need to drive. That was the last thing I needed to do. I can see the headlines now : "Local woman gets pulled over for DWI (Driving While dealing with Infertility)" So they drove me home. Remember that Kevin was working. So he had to call his lieutenant to tell him and ask if he could go home for the day.
The Dr.'s office said that they could only assume that there was something genetically wrong with the fetus that made it incompatible with life. Obviously, there's no way to tell for sure. But that caused a flood of questions to run through my head. Does genetically mean that there is something wrong with me, genetically? Does that mean the other embryos will be genetically incompatible too? Can I make babies at all? Can I do anything right? Is it something I did or didn't do? I started to replay the past two weeks through my head. Had I eaten or drank something that was forbidden? Had I picked something up that was too heavy? Had I gotten too stressed out? Had I not been thankful enough? Had I not prayed hard enough or asked God precisely enough for what I wanted? WHAT DID I DO?
I remember asking the nurse "Is it something I did?" I could hear a unique sadness in her voice when she emphatically told me that it was not my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong! At that time I couldn't make sense of that response. All I could do was cry! It was my fault! I had been entrusted with this amazing miracle and couldn't sustain it. All at the same time, my dream and nightmare had come true.
One wonderful thing about my infertility journey is my support system. Later that night, my mom and dad and Kevin's mom came to the house and sat with us. Trying to make us feel better. Trying to bring a smile to our faces. Then Unconceivably Blessed and Christine stopped by. Unconceivably Blessed walked in with tears in her eyes because she knew exactly how I felt. She had been through this twice. She gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sorry. They brought us a basket of goodies and tissues and sat with us. They succeeded in bringing out a much needed laugh.
I don't think it fully sank in until the next day. I have never in my life felt an emptiness quite like that. Where my heart should have been, there was a hole. Where I had felt signs of life just days before was now nothing. I couldn't think, I didn't want to talk and I couldn't stop crying. In the next couple of days, I stopped crying as much but the emptiness didn't go away. Friends and family continued to come see us, and that helped me but it didn't heal me. People continued to ask me what they could do for me. I felt bad not having an answer for them, but I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
Dr. D's office told me that my period would start in a few days. The one dreaded symbol of womanhood that is Mother Nature's persistent reminder that I'm not pregnant. This month it would be different. This month it would mean that I was no longer pregnant. But ironically enough, I wanted it to come. After the nurse gave us the news, I almost went into denial. I thought it could have been a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe the lab got my results mixed up with someone else's. It was someone else that wasn't pregnant any longer, not me. Until my period came, I had that hope that it was a mistake. So in a way I wanted my period to come so that it was real. Aunt flo finally came and it was terribly painful. Unconceivably Blessed had warned me about how the pain would be. She was spot on. It was a cocktail of relief and devastation.
Then I cried, again!
Then crazy lady came to visit. I started thinking stupid thoughts. I started feeling like I had let Kevin down. If only he had married someone else. He would make such a wonderful father, he didn't deserve this grief. I had let him down, AGAIN! I understand that he has never felt this way. In fact, he has told me on multiple occasions that he didn't marry me for my uterus. He married me because he loved ME. But in the mind of a woman who feels broken and like a failure, these thoughts seem plenty rational. Those thoughts became less frequent and I cried a little less. It was mostly when I was alone and had time to stew that I was the saddest. When I was around people, it wasn't as bad. I could stop thinking about it for a minute. But I was still different. I felt that emptiness no matter who was around; no matter where I was. The happiness that I had before the miscarriage was MIA. Walking down the aisle of the grocery store, I was just in a hurry to get home. Before I took my time, dancing and singing down the aisle. (Come to think about it maybe that's why people stare) Even though Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year, I have barely bought any Christmas presents, I don't want to listen to Christmas songs, and I have no desire to finish decorating the house. I am a pretty happy person, most of the time! But now, I feel like I just exist!
But I've made a decision! I may not be back to "me" tomorrow, but I will get there. I triumphed over crazy lady and infertility before and I WILL do it again! Understand that it might take some time, and I might be sad here and there. But the one thing I haven't lost, only refined through my infertility journey, is my will to FIGHT!!! Those who know me, know that I don't settle and I don't give up without a fight! Why should this be any different. I will always remember our first baby; conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013. God is holding us both now. He will see me through this with you by his side! My faith will be strengthened and one day I will meet you. But until then, I will dream of you, fight through this sadness and pain, and pray for a baby born to me here. I will relearn to trust Him and understand that He has a plan that is much more amazing than mine!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Catching up with old friends, infertility style!
I know that I've been gone for a while, but please forgive me because I've been going through a whirlwind. I started this blog as a therapeutic means of dealing with my infertility. As I became more used to the idea of having infertility and we waited to win the lottery (in order to pay for our IVF), there wasn't as much to vent about and less therapy was needed. But now I have a totally new topic to vent, yell, and scream about. But first let me catch you up.
The last post told you that Kevin and I were planning to do an IVF session in October. We were able to get our meds at a reasonable price. We were able to save enough money to pay for the cycle by doing yard sales and borrowing from retirement. We figured this was a good enough reason to postpone retirement. So we started our adventure on Friday October 18. We went for a baseline ultrasound and things looked good. We had a decent amount of follicles and the uterine lining was nice and thick. Kevin gave me the first shot of Menopur that night. I had to have 6 vials of Menopur per shot. We anticipated having to do 12 nights of shots because my AMH was so low. Kevin continued to give me shots Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. On Tuesday October 22, we went back to the doctor to monitor the progress my ovaries were making. We were doing well. We had more follicles than we anticipated. Of course, they weren't all mature but things were looking promising. I had to give blood so they could test my estradiol and progesterone levels. They called later that afternoon and told us that my progesterone level was too high. It was 2.3. They told me to start the Ganirelix to prevent me from ovulating. I had to go back to Dr. D's office the next day to have my blood tested again. If my progesterone level rose at all, we would have had to cancel the cycle.
Why is the progesterone level so important? Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus. When your progesterone gets to a certain level, it signals your brain to "ovulate." Well, obviously, in IVF we don't want my body to listen to itself. We want it to respond to the commands of the medicines. Since we were only 3 days into the cycle and didn't have nearly enough mature follicles we didn't want that progesterone level to go up another smidge.
On Wednesday October 23, my progesterone levels went down to 1.4. Whoooooooooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin and I were so excited because that meant that we could keep going. So we continued both the Menopur and Ganirelix until Friday October 25. We went for what ended up being our last ultrasound. We had great follicles and a lot of mature ones at that. Again, we tested the estradiol and progesterone levels. The progesterone level was up again. It was 2.7. Now remember that we were a couple more days into the cycle. So if the level stayed at 2.7 for the rest of the cycle that would have been fine. But I had to go back Saturday October 26 to test again. That day it was back down to 1.9. Speaking of Roller Coaster... So Dr. D told us to go ahead and trigger that night and get ready for the retrieval on Monday October 28. (Side note: The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HcG (aka the pregnancy hormone) that starts the ovulation process. It is very time sensitive and must be done as close to a specific time as possible.)
Monday morning: We went for the retrieval. They were able to retrieve 13 eggs. We were super excited because that exceeded all of our expectations. In fact Dr. D said "it was a stupendous day." They called us the next day to tell us that 10 of those 13 eggs fertilized and they were able to do conventional fertilization. (Conventional fertilization is when they put 50,000 sperm on each egg and let them fight to the death. May the best sperm win!) They expected because of my low AMH to have to do ICSI but luckily they didn't have to. (ICSI is when they suck a couple of good looking sperm into a straw and insert one sperm into each egg. Basically, the embryologist is a million dollar matchmaker.) After waiting 5 days, we went to Dr. D's office for the transfer. Before we got there I had to drink 32 ounces of liquid so that I would have a full bladder. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to see where to put the embryo. We found out that we had 5 embryos left. It's natural to have fewer embryos on day five than what you start with on day 1. Ending up with 50% of the embryos that you started with is a pretty good percentage. We decided only to transfer 1 embryo. After the transfer I had to lay there for 20 minutes. With a full bladder!!!! I only made it 10 minutes. But I climbed back on the table to lay the remaining 10 minutes. Then we had to wait, AGAIN!! We had to wait 9 days to find out whether that one embryo decided to "stick" around.
Finally, Monday November 11! PREGNANCY TEST DAY!! I went to have my blood drawn that morning and they would call later that afternoon with the results. When they finally called, I was terrified. You would think that someone who has been waiting to be pregnant for so long would break their neck trying to get to the phone. But quite the opposite, not this chicken. I heard the phone ringing and just ignored it. I was scared to death that the nurse would say "I'm sorry but negative." Finally, I found Kevin and we called the nurse back. We sat on hold for 10 minutes waiting for the nurse. It just seemed fitting. As if we had not waited long enough! She finally came on the line and told us that she was so happy to tell us that we were PREGNANT!!!
We were elated. We couldn't believe it. We drove straight to the grocery store to buy a HPT so that I could see a positive. Funny thing is that when I went to check on the HPT results, my heart started pounding and I was scared that it would be negative even though the Dr's office had already confirmed. We drove to tell friends and family. It was impossible to keep it a secret because everyone knew that we were doing the cycle. After a week of being pregnant, EVERYONE I knew knew we were pregnant. The had to wait a week and go back for another pregnancy test. Because the miscarriage rate was so high still we had to go make sure we were still pregnant.
November 19, 2013. I went for the normal morning blood draw. We waited for the normal afternoon phone call. Kevin and I were both working. So when I got the phone call, I let it go to voicemail and called Kevin to come up to my office. Once he got there, we listened to the news.
Then I cried!
The last post told you that Kevin and I were planning to do an IVF session in October. We were able to get our meds at a reasonable price. We were able to save enough money to pay for the cycle by doing yard sales and borrowing from retirement. We figured this was a good enough reason to postpone retirement. So we started our adventure on Friday October 18. We went for a baseline ultrasound and things looked good. We had a decent amount of follicles and the uterine lining was nice and thick. Kevin gave me the first shot of Menopur that night. I had to have 6 vials of Menopur per shot. We anticipated having to do 12 nights of shots because my AMH was so low. Kevin continued to give me shots Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. On Tuesday October 22, we went back to the doctor to monitor the progress my ovaries were making. We were doing well. We had more follicles than we anticipated. Of course, they weren't all mature but things were looking promising. I had to give blood so they could test my estradiol and progesterone levels. They called later that afternoon and told us that my progesterone level was too high. It was 2.3. They told me to start the Ganirelix to prevent me from ovulating. I had to go back to Dr. D's office the next day to have my blood tested again. If my progesterone level rose at all, we would have had to cancel the cycle.
Why is the progesterone level so important? Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus. When your progesterone gets to a certain level, it signals your brain to "ovulate." Well, obviously, in IVF we don't want my body to listen to itself. We want it to respond to the commands of the medicines. Since we were only 3 days into the cycle and didn't have nearly enough mature follicles we didn't want that progesterone level to go up another smidge.
On Wednesday October 23, my progesterone levels went down to 1.4. Whoooooooooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin and I were so excited because that meant that we could keep going. So we continued both the Menopur and Ganirelix until Friday October 25. We went for what ended up being our last ultrasound. We had great follicles and a lot of mature ones at that. Again, we tested the estradiol and progesterone levels. The progesterone level was up again. It was 2.7. Now remember that we were a couple more days into the cycle. So if the level stayed at 2.7 for the rest of the cycle that would have been fine. But I had to go back Saturday October 26 to test again. That day it was back down to 1.9. Speaking of Roller Coaster... So Dr. D told us to go ahead and trigger that night and get ready for the retrieval on Monday October 28. (Side note: The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HcG (aka the pregnancy hormone) that starts the ovulation process. It is very time sensitive and must be done as close to a specific time as possible.)
Monday morning: We went for the retrieval. They were able to retrieve 13 eggs. We were super excited because that exceeded all of our expectations. In fact Dr. D said "it was a stupendous day." They called us the next day to tell us that 10 of those 13 eggs fertilized and they were able to do conventional fertilization. (Conventional fertilization is when they put 50,000 sperm on each egg and let them fight to the death. May the best sperm win!) They expected because of my low AMH to have to do ICSI but luckily they didn't have to. (ICSI is when they suck a couple of good looking sperm into a straw and insert one sperm into each egg. Basically, the embryologist is a million dollar matchmaker.) After waiting 5 days, we went to Dr. D's office for the transfer. Before we got there I had to drink 32 ounces of liquid so that I would have a full bladder. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to see where to put the embryo. We found out that we had 5 embryos left. It's natural to have fewer embryos on day five than what you start with on day 1. Ending up with 50% of the embryos that you started with is a pretty good percentage. We decided only to transfer 1 embryo. After the transfer I had to lay there for 20 minutes. With a full bladder!!!! I only made it 10 minutes. But I climbed back on the table to lay the remaining 10 minutes. Then we had to wait, AGAIN!! We had to wait 9 days to find out whether that one embryo decided to "stick" around.
Finally, Monday November 11! PREGNANCY TEST DAY!! I went to have my blood drawn that morning and they would call later that afternoon with the results. When they finally called, I was terrified. You would think that someone who has been waiting to be pregnant for so long would break their neck trying to get to the phone. But quite the opposite, not this chicken. I heard the phone ringing and just ignored it. I was scared to death that the nurse would say "I'm sorry but negative." Finally, I found Kevin and we called the nurse back. We sat on hold for 10 minutes waiting for the nurse. It just seemed fitting. As if we had not waited long enough! She finally came on the line and told us that she was so happy to tell us that we were PREGNANT!!!
We were elated. We couldn't believe it. We drove straight to the grocery store to buy a HPT so that I could see a positive. Funny thing is that when I went to check on the HPT results, my heart started pounding and I was scared that it would be negative even though the Dr's office had already confirmed. We drove to tell friends and family. It was impossible to keep it a secret because everyone knew that we were doing the cycle. After a week of being pregnant, EVERYONE I knew knew we were pregnant. The had to wait a week and go back for another pregnancy test. Because the miscarriage rate was so high still we had to go make sure we were still pregnant.
November 19, 2013. I went for the normal morning blood draw. We waited for the normal afternoon phone call. Kevin and I were both working. So when I got the phone call, I let it go to voicemail and called Kevin to come up to my office. Once he got there, we listened to the news.
Then I cried!
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