Mother's May funk ending with a tragic twist!

So I am in a serious funk!  I have been here for about 2 or 3 weeks now!  It started about 1 week  before Mother's Day (MD).  The dreaded day that always sucks.  It doesn't matter how hard I try to ignore it, or concentrate on celebrating my mother and mother-in-law.  But for what ever reason, MD isn't just one day for me.  It seems to last about 2-3 weeks, or the entire month of May.

I generally spend the entire week leading up to MD, dreading it.  There are countless advertisements and sales saying "celebrate mom" or "tell her how much she means to you," etc. If I go out shopping during that week I risk being told Happy MD. If I go to the card aisle in any store, I have to be equipped with a box of tissues.  It is not uncommon for me to walk out of the store sobbing.  It generally takes multiple trips to the card aisle before I can actually pick out a card because I usually can't hold the tears back long enough to actually find THE card.  I spend the actual day crying and trying to ignore/avoid it, which ironically causes me to concentrate more on it. It really is amazing that I don't get dehydrated because of all of the water I lose from crying. Just kidding. Then I spend the entire next week or two trying to get over it or come to terms with it.  If either of those is possible.

I have very mixed emotions about the holiday. I don't want to take away for the women who are mothers, especially my own.  But at the same time, I want people to understand that some women, despite how hard they try, can't be mothers.  I also want to stay in the bed and sleep the entire day away.  I can't do that though.  I want to stay in the house and have as little contact with people as possible.  But I want to make sure that my mom knows how much I love her.  I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered by my emotions.

Yesterday, I found myself watching the show "The Waltons."  Mary Ellen and Jonesey were getting married.  After the wedding they went on their honeymoon like most couples.  They went camping.  Not something this city girl would have chosen, but it looked romantic on the tv.  My kind of camping is hooking an RV to a camp site and waking up in a bed to the smell of fresh coffee.  They were sleeping in a bag, on the ground, with no tent. Romantic! Of course the tv doesn't show all of the dirt, bugs, and wild animals that go along with that type of camping.  I know, I know, Katy what is the point. The two newly weds were planning their life together.  They were talking about all of the children they were going to have, what the children were going to look like, and what they were going to name them.  Of course at that moment, the tears flowed.  All I wanted to do was SCREAM at the tv and tell them what fools they were.  I wanted to tell them that they could make all the plans in the world, dream all they wanted, but don't get your hopes up.  Then I thought who is this person in my head, in my heart.  CRAZY LADY! She's baaaaaccckkkk.

Naturally, I wanted to change the channel as fast as I could.  But for whatever reason I didn't. Kevin thinks we (women) like torturing ourselves with emotionally charged crap! Who knows, maybe we do! We are pretty crazy. Anyway. The next morning Mary Ellen went somewhere in their truck (I was still telling them what idiots they were for making these plans so I missed where she was going). She saw a deer in the road, over corrected, and drove off of the mountain. Doctors said she was going to live, but that she had complications in other areas of her body that they didn't expect. A few minutes later the dr came into Mary Ellen's room.  She was joking with him about her scar being too long and he didn't crack a smile. At that moment, I realized where we were going. He is getting ready to tell her that she can't have children anymore. Now, I am intrigued. And to be honest, Crazy lady did say "I told you so!" I can hear you saying "this girl is so weird."  But if you have ever been a party to that very same conversation, you understand what I am talking about. The Dr. told her that she had a tear in her uterus that was causing her to bleed internally.  They stitched it up but she wouldn't be able to have children because the chance of her dying was much too great.  My feelings at that moment completely changed. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that it was going to be ok.  It'll suck, but it's going to be ok!

When she got out of the hospital, she came home to a pregnant sister-in-law.  oooooooo. I just wanted to protect her.  Jonesey hadn't been told yet, so he kept trying to "continue the honeymoon." Wink wink. Mary Ellen kept pulling away. He bought her a sheer robe for MD!  ugggghhhhh!! Then sister-in-law had the baby.  Jonesey started talking about having twins.  OMG WHEN WILL IT END PEOPLE!!!!! Stop torturing this woman!!! Then everyone is asking her to see the baby.  She breaks the news to her father first, and then wishes her mother were there.  Oh the irony! The one word that makes us cringe when someone else says it. But when something goes wrong, that's the one word we want to say.

Dad says she has to tell Jonesey because it isn't fair to him.  She says "is it fair to him that he's married to a woman that can't give him the children that he wants."  WHOAAAA!!! Familiar words!  When she tells Jonesey she says "it isn't your fault, it's me!" IT'S MY FAULT! Jonesey does what any good husband would do, grabs her and holds on tight!  He doesn't tell her that she is being crazy, even though that's exactly what's happening.  He tells her that he is happy with just her and that all that matters is that she is alive and ok. Her response was basically that she understands if he wants to leave and marry someone else who can give him children..  This entire show is infertility in a nutshell.

Then some stupid woman, a fellow infertile, tells Mary Ellen that an adoption agency wouldn't give her a child because she is previously divorced. Someone help her! I think Mary Ellen did a great job not punching her in the face.

That's where I had to stop. I had to leave to go bowl.  I'm very curious how it ends. I'll let you know.

Back to reality: I was telling Jenni the other day that a couple of days after MD I was in the grocery store.  This is the same grocery store I ALWAYS shop at. I know all of the clerks, stock boys, baggers, etc. I saw one of the guys that I always talk to when I go in there and he said hello.  He immediately followed up with "how was your mother's day?"  Immediately I thought "have you ever seen me come in here with a child?" "Do you think my husband and I leave our child at home every time we come to the grocery store?"  " Are you kidding me, did you seriously just ask me that?" At that moment, I had a choice to make. I had to choose between lying and telling him it was great just so that I didn't have to talk about it anymore, or choose to blow him out of the water and tell him that I am infertile and that I think it is totally insensitive of him to ask me how my freakin' mother's day was.  Well I didn't exactly do either of those. I said it was terrible and kept walking. When I got to that same end cap on the other aisle, he said "why was your MD terrible?"  Again, another choice to make.  I said "because I don't have children and I can't have children." The look on his face made me feel terrible for making that choice.  But I have now decided that because of the conversation that then ensued, he won't ask that question so quickly next time.

I think I might get a shirt made for next year. One that says something like "Please don't wish me a happy Mother's Day. I am Infertile!" Not very original, but I think it will get the job done!

But it is days like today that make me even worse. The tragedy in Oklahoma just makes me think even more about whether God is actually sparing me!  I can't imagine the broken hearts of those mothers and fathers of the children killed in the tornado! I can't begin to process how it feels to get the news that you're never going to see your child again. But maybe I can in a way.  I know for sure that some of my friends who have experienced miscarriages can relate.  I know how my heart broke when Jenni and Jonathan told me about their second miscarriage. Personally, I have dreamed of being a mother all of my life.  I was born being a mother.  People tell me that from the time my sister was born I acted like her mother.  I was the same way with my friends in school. I have imagined my children's faces.  I planned how many we would have and what their names would be. And I have been told that I may never see my child. They may not be anything but a figment of my imagination. So we (infertiles) do know the pain these parents are feeling. The only difference is that we have never met our babies.  My heart is absolutely breaking for them.

So tonight, there is no difference or distinction between mothers and infertiles.  The pain is all the same tonight!  I pray that these mothers and fathers are reminded that God loves them and God will take care of them.  God will mend the broken pieces and make his will shine through this terrible tragedy.  I pray that mothers and fathers who are lucky enough to tuck their babies into bed tonight, cherish every second with that child.  I pray that my fellow infertiles and myself can open our hearts and try to understand that we aren't the only ones hurting for our children that we may never see.  I pray that we will all know and search for the love and grace of our God who has such amazing mercy on us, even though in our human minds it doesn't always seem like mercy!

I know this is a compilation of ramblings. I just had too much to say!  God bless you tonight and always!

It's kinda like a good push-up bra!!!!

Well howdy y'all!  Yeah I know that was a sad attempt to be the country girl that my husband tells me that I'm not.

So I am SUPER excited to announce Unconceivably Blessed and I are starting a Peer Led Support Group here in our county.  There isn't one specific to women for general infertility in any of the surrounding counties.  It is actually kind of sad if you think about it. So many women have to be afflicted with this disease and no where to turn.

We had a dinner with some great gals who share this affliction a couple of weeks ago.  It was AWESOME!!! We met at 6:30 for pizza.  At 9:00, the wait staff were subtly locking the doors and checking their watches.  It felt like we had just gotten there.  These ladies were so diverse and yet we had so much in common.  I told my husband that I felt normal, like I was with "my peeps."  Finally, people who could listen to my words, understand them, and relate to them.

To be honest, I was quite nervous before I got there.  But as soon as I walked in, I was at ease.  By the end of the night, we were having a ball.  I walked out of there with such relief and certainty that I was going to be ok.  The bad day that I had was no longer the only thing I could concentrate on. It didn't hurt either that my wonderfully handsome husband had a cheesecake waiting for me when I got home!

It just goes to show that your support system is sooooo important!  It really is like a good quality push-up bra.  Without it (depending on the specifics of the bosom) gravity/infertility just pulls you down.  It just...keeps...PULLING!!! Until after long enough, you are so low that there is no coming back from that!!!  BUT THERE IS HOPE!!! But a good push-up bra/support system, for the most part, keep you perky and able to see the cup more than half full!  pun intended!

Clarification: It doesn't have to be a push-up bra. A regular bra will do.  I just specify a push-up bra because, well, bless my poor little heart. Now that I think about it, gravity couldn't hurt me too much. Might make 'em more, there!! But I digress.

So I can't wait to have our first official support group meeting.  I truly feel called to this!!  I believe very strongly that God has something REALLY awesome for me involving advocating for infertility and the people tortured by it! Not only do I just feel it, but I had a revelation the other day.

Revelation: I found out in September that I was infertile because of a blockage in both of my tubes. But I also found out that my ovaries are comparable to those of a 40 year old. I have few eggs and the ones I do have are of poor quality. So the revelation I had, 6 months after diagnosis, is that I was born infertile. The blockage in my tubes was caused after an emergency appendectomy and infection (when I was 9), terrible trauma to my then little body. So as far as we know, I was born with perfectly normal fallopian tubes.  But my eggs were there when I was born; and destined to be bad then. I have just now come to that realization. So the tubal infertility was just a bonus. Ha. I don't know why, but this makes me believe even more that I have some purpose.

So if you are in or around the neighborhood (Rockingham, Guilford, Alamance, Caswell, Stokes) we invite you to our support group! Let me know if you'd like to come and I'll get you the information. If you aren't in or around the neighborhood, seek out a support group in your area or start your own if there isn't one.  It really makes a huge difference in your journey when you have the proper support of a good quality push-up bra! Stay perky!!!

What they call an infertile….

What they call an infertile….

It’s been another bad day, so I decide to just walk. My world has become gray, so God and I must talk.

I walk down the street, and a sixteen year old I meet. She wears a sad frown and holds her head down.

She looks to be pregnant, maybe six months or more. But I don’t think it’s pleasant, it appears to be a chore.

I want to ask her why she cannot crack a smile. She’s been given a beautiful gift, not a sentence from a trial.

I continue on my journey, walking aimlessly through town. My world has gotten blurry; the tears make me feel like I‘ll drown.

I hear a mother yell. Tell her child to “JUST GO PLAY!” While she checks her phone and email, her blessing walks away.

I want to go and tell her how terrible she is. “Don’t you understand what you have, you are lucky to be his!”

But I turn and walk away, because I cannot muster the strength. I just need to find a place to pray to sit and just think.

I was told I couldn’t have a child. What they call an Infertile. But that has to be a sore mistake, because I’ve dreamt of this for a while!

How can this problem be reconciled? It isn’t something I can fix. The medical tests have been compiled, and it explains all those negative sticks.

These questions I will have, every day of my life. Have I been a bad person?  Or even worse, a bad wife?

How can I fix this and heal? What kind of pain does he feel? Is he dying inside but won’t say? Can I be sure that he’ll stay?

Of course ‘cause he’s a great man and he loves me just the same. No matter what happens today, he doesn’t feel this shame.

Their advice though is killing me. “It will be all in God’s time.”  “Just wait ‘till it’s meant to be,” I didn’t ask for their chime!

My prayers must be broken, because I yell them to the sky. But they don’t seem to be heard, because I only see one line!

Why is it me you chose, to endure this great pain? Did I do something wrong? Please let me explain!

Don’t punish me like this, I cannot take this now. What about the girl who does cocaine, I don’t understand how!

She has three children, who have all been taken away. I am the one who’s barren and she has another on the way.

The holidays are terrible, the worst that day in May. The one that’s most unbearable is always Mother’s Day!

I feel like a broken person, this body just won’t work. When it’s like nothing for other people, I just give them a little smirk.

Will he ever hold her hand? Will he pass his smile to him? Will there be a father daughter dance when I’ve dress her in lace trim?

There are so many questions, running through my head. Then there’s everyone’s suggestions, we could just adopt instead!

So I found a dark corner where I could be alone.  My eyes filled with tears, and I spoke to God with a groan.

God what have I done, to deserve all this pain? I’ve tried to live a good life; I’ve tried not to complain.

You promised to protect me, to be my sword and shield.  You said “Be strong. Don’t worry. No weapons must you wield.”

So why am I hurting so bad? Why do I have so much hate?  All I have is mad and sad.  That cannot be my fate.

Still wiping my eyes, I hung my head in despair, when I heard a voice say, “I didn’t promise fair!”

I promised to protect my child, the one who trusts in me.  I have shielded you all the while, for you have a strong enemy.

But you still continue to question, to worry and to doubt, when I’ve commanded you to be nothing less than devout.

You harp on blessings you don’t have, but forget about the ones you’ve got.  You have my hand, grace, and mercy, and that alone is a lot.

So get up from your sadness and sorrow, and go out and re-present me. Do it now, don’t wait for tomorrow and be what I chose you to be.

So do not fear, for I am with you, I will strengthen and help you too.  I am the Lord your God, and I will carry you through.

My plans are flawless and perfect, I have a plan just for you. I created you for this purpose, a route designed for you two.

So get up from your chains and obsession, and go out and re-present me.  Go teach about your greatest possession and be what I chose you to be.

So I picked myself up, and I wiped the last tear, “My Lord,” I said “I will trust and not fear.”

I started toward my home, walking back the way I came, when I saw that mom, not on her phone, but playing some kind of game.

She was laughing with her child; he was having so much fun.  It was clear to me, I could see, she dearly loved her son.

So I mustered up the strength that I didn’t have before, to sit and watch them for a minute, to smile and not be sore.

When I continued on my journey, walking with a purpose now, I came across that little girl, the one with the pregnant frown.

She sat there all alone, she appeared to be afraid, so I moved in to sit beside her, so that stories we could trade.

I sat down on the bench, said hello and told my name. She picked her head up and looked at me, with a little bit of shame.

We sat on that bench for a while, until neither one felt blue, “clearly you see I’m having a child, now tell me a little about you.”

I hesitated for a minute, thinking of what I should say.  Then I opened my mouth to speak, and the words just went on their way.

At that moment it was clear; God did have a plan for his child. I said without a single tear, I’m what they call an infertile.

My heart is shattered and my cheesecake is broken!

Well I know that I have been gone for a while.  Things have been crazy busy at work.  The first 6 months of the year are always terribly busy.  This year we are in court 3 weeks straight and off one week from January to July.  But something happened today that just leaves me with no other choice but to blog.  I really have found writing this blog to be very therapeutic.  I have really been able to come to terms with several things in my infertility journey since I started writing and getting things out.  I can write things on here that I wouldn't ordinarily say out loud (when people are around).  My friends may be laughing at me right now because they know that I have special conversations with the bathroom mirror when no one is around, but I digress.  The bathroom mirror just wasn't going to cut it today.

Well a very special IF sister recently did a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer- when they take embryos that were previously retrieved and frozen, thaw them, and transfer them into the uterus). The day they went for the transfer was an awesome day.  If you are in this position or the dear friend of an infertile you understand that their journey becomes your journey too.  You find yourself hurting with them, smiling with them, dreaming with them, etc. So on the day of the transfer they called me to tell me that they had some important decisions to make (good ones) and they wanted to ask my opinion about what they should do. Later that day the told me that the transfer went well and that things were looking good.  I was so happy for them.  They were one step closer to their dream.  There was one less obstacle in the way.  They waited two long weeks to hear the most beautiful words an infertile could hear "You're pregnant!"

They finally got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!!! I imagine them hearing those words and grinning from ear to ear, with a few woo hoos and a hell yeah mixed in for good measure. At least that's what I did when I got the text.  I couldn't wait to talk to her and starting planning baby stuff.  I mean she had just won the battle! A fellow infertile was pregnant. Over the next few weeks we chatted and texted back and forth about how she felt and other plans.  They scheduled an ultrasound where they would find out how many babies they had and start monitoring their progress.  Well that appointment was today. My heart shattered into a million pieces when she texted me and told me that they lost the pregnancy. I started crying driving back to work. I could barely see the road.  The rest of the afternoon, all I could think of was how much that sucked!!!!!  I was filled with so many feelings and emotions.  I was shocked because I just knew that this was it.  I was mad because I just knew that they was it. I was sad because I just knew that this was it. But what I didn't know was what to do now. I wanted to go see her, hug her, talk to her, tell her it was going to be ok, tell her God had a plan, take her chocolate, etc.  But I didn't know what to do.  I called her on the way back to work and just said I don't know what to say but I just had to talk to you.

I just went to the store and bought a large cheesecake.  I've finished my second piece and I'm thinking hard about a third. Most of the time cheesecake makes it all feel better, but this cheesecake must be broken.  It's not working.  I hate feeling helpless, not being able to fix it. I hate seeing my friends in agony, knowing there is nothing I can do to help them. When I left work I turned on the radio hoping for a song with some kind of inspiration. After about 25 minutes of driving, I got it.  It was a song entitled "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  As I listened to it, it spoke so perfectly to my heart about the condition of her heart.

 

 

So sometimes all you can do is just turn to him and pray. I guess he knew this one wasn't it.  But the good thing is that he knows when it will be it and oh how much better will it be! That I do know!  He doesn't promise our life here will be easy (we all see that), but he does promise that he will protect us and help us! That will be our comfort for the night, because the cheesecake didn't work!

The prosperous year of the '13: Answers and News we can finally use!

'\HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!  I hope everyone had a wonderful and very safe new year.  We had a very good new year, even though Kevin had to work.  Poor thing was in bed by 9:00 on New Year's Eve.

Taking a moment to look back at 2012 and what it taught us, we have decided to look at 2013 as a positive adventure yet to come!  We started the year of the '13 off right, with a RE doctor's appointments! Earlier in the week I said my dr appointment was today, but it turns out it was yesterday. Luckily, I called Dr. D's office last week because I couldn't remember the time.  It's been a long week! shewwww!  I'm blaming it on anesthesia brain!  You know you lose brain cells when they put you under.  After 5 surgeries, it's a wonder I can tie my shoes. 

So yesterday, the day started out just fine, until Kevin woke up. Boy was he ill. Just because!  I was anxious about the appointment as usual.  I think I tried on 5 outfits before it was just time to go and I had no other choice but to wear what I had on at that particular moment.  We headed to the appointment and didn't talk the entire way.  I had no clue what to expect at this appointment.  On the way I read a part of my book on embryo adoption.  Embryo adoption (EA) is a fairly new form of adoption. It's only been around since the late 1990s, I think.  EA is the adoption of leftover embryos from another couple's IVF cycle.  Sounds kind of weird when you put it on paper like that, but it is actually really cool.  Pretend you do an IVF cycle, you stimlulate and Dr. D gets 20 follicles.  He puts your 20 eggs and your husbands sperm in a petri dish and lets them get acquainted.  Well amazingly, all 20 fertilize beautifully and mature into wonderful looking embryos.  Well there is no way you can transplant all 20 of those.  You could end up like those 40 kids and counting people. I'm just kidding, I know it is only 19.  Like that's better, Seriously?! So you tranfer 2 at a time until you have your desired number of youngins!  Say you have 10 embryos left.  What to do with the embryos? 1) You can freeze them and let them stay in storage forever on the off chance you might want to have another kid when you're 50. 50 is the new 40 these days.  2) You can destroy them.  That means you call your RE's lab or storage facility and tell them to throw your embryos (lives with potential) in the garbage with the left over pizza from lunch.  OR 3) You can donate them to a couple who can't make their own embryos for whatever reason. ME and KEVIN! We would enter into a contract together and we purchase the embryos.  Then 2 at a time, they are transferred into my uterus, hopefully they implant and we get pregnant, and the rest is just a health ed lesson.

It is considerably cheaper than traditional adoption and IVF.  Traditional adoption, international and domestic, can cost on average $25,000 - $30,000.  IVF costs an average of $15,000.  EA cost an average of $6,000-$15,000.  We could adopt the embryos now, and wait to transfer them when we are ready.  So we can move at a more relaxed and financially secure pace.

Dr. D's office has an embryo donation bank.  Because he knows the quality of the embryos they freeze, he says we would have about a 50% chance at getting pregnant.  Well that is better than our chances if we used our own embryos today.  Right now we sit at a 41% success rate with our own embryos.  There is also a foundation called "Snowflakes. " It's basically an adoption agency for embryos. They have embryos all over the country that are just sitting in little freezer tanks waiting to be adopted!

We did get some clarification too on how my AMH could decrease so quickly.  I didn't know that every month when a woman gets ready to ovulate, multiple eggs basically fight to become the dominate egg. Say you have 25 eggs fighting for that starring role in the oscar winning motion picture, Ovulate! Only one can be a star. During the fight it is basically survival of the fittest and the unfit eggs are dying out. Once the one egg ovulates, the other 24 die.  So a woman is losing eggs every day of her life.  If you are in my position and don't have a lot of eggs in the first place, losing any eggs is not good.  I wouldn't have 25 eggs dying, but it would still be enough to hurt my AMH.

We also learned that my endometriosis was in my ovary.  I tell you something folks, I am awesome at being screwed up!  The endometriosis was in a cyst that was inside my ovary!  That could be another reason for the low AMH. Dr. D said that there is some kind of connection with endometriosis and low AMH, but we aren't quite sure what that connection is.  Both are apparently hereditary, too. No good! So with no tubes and below average ovaries, I asked Dr. D if there was anyway we could take a look at my uterus before we spend all kinds of money and find out it is inhabitable.  He said he had already done that when I had the Saline Infused Sonohysterography (SIS).  I told him that I thought I remembered him remarking that my uterus was "beautiful." He said yes it looked great! Did you hear that folks?  Beautiful uterus!   haha only in infertility is that a real sentence!

So we got good news and answers that made things make better sense. I feel pretty good today and pretty excited about what's to come!  There are still plenty of things to learn and think about, but for right now we will hold onto this momentary joy!

So here's to 2013, the prosperous year of the 13! A year of less bad news for all of us, bigger hopes, smiles all around, more what if dreams, and maybe, just maybe, our baby reality!

Good night, sleep tight, and may your Faith in the Lord keep you safely in his light!

What's in a name?

So I'm sure by now you are wondering why the title of my blog is Wonder Woman's Infertility.  I am clearly no superhero, I can't fly, and I'm certainly not an Amazon warrior princess.  In fact, I've never been in a fight in my life and can only imagine how scrappy I would be with my Olive Oil muscles.  Wonder Woman (WW) could run at speeds of 60 mph or greater.  I only run when there is a doughnut or chocolate involved and that is still a slow jog.  WW could jump from building to building and tear steel doors off of their hinges.  The only jumping and tearing I do is jumping onto the couch and tearing tissues out of the box when I cry watching the Hallmark Channel.

But WW was created in 1941 to reassure women that they were strong but could be gentle and compassionate at the same time.  WW was a warrior princess, who fought for love, justice, and peace in a world of men.  I relate to this because my job is a constant fight for justice and attempting to keep the streets peaceful.  The only difference is that I fight with my brain and mouth instead of my hands.  But WW and I use some of the same tools.  Her main tools were her lasso of truth, indistructible bracelets, and her golden tiara.  Her lasso of truth was used to force people to tell her the truth.  I am learning to do this on cross examination.  Questioning a peron on the stand and catching them in a lie is sometimes the most fun an attorney can have.  Her indistructible bracelets could deflect bullets and were used to keep some of her powers contained.  These bracelets are used everyday where I work.  People come in and out of the courtroom everyday with silver bracelets and shackels. She used the golden tiara as a projectile.  About the only thing I can throw that accurately is a bowling ball. I don't have a tiara, but I'm not opposed to getting one!

Because WW debuted during World War II, a time when women were having to work all day then come home and be the mother, father, wife, and husband, WW became an icon.  Women who could do all of those things and appear to do them well, were called WW.  That's why I think I'm WW!  Now let me be very clear, I am not a great house wife.  I am not good a cleaning on a regular basis, I don't cook dinner everynight, and I certainly don't bring my husband his slippers while he reads the paper.  But when I do cook, I cook from scratch.  I am the party queen, always going over board with food and decorations.  I always overestimate my realistic ability to do.  I work anywhere from 40-55 hours a week, depending on what kind of week it is.  I volunteer with the Junior Service League, Relay for Life, and the County Animal Shelter.  I bowl on Sundays, carrying a nice 185 average.  I coupon daily, looking for the best deals to save my family money. I obsess over perfection and always try my best!  I handle my problems quietly, most of the time, without asking for help from anyone else. I prefer to be the one people lean on instead of being the leaner. 

I found this on a blog called "Roar: You will be heard."  I felt it was all too perfect to explain the flawed perfectionist that is me!

Here are 10 symptoms of the Wonder Woman Syndrome (emphasis added):

1. I am slow to bow my knees but quick to roll up my sleeves

2. I try too hard to make everything just right

         (I'm working on it)

3. I have this desire to fix everything and I believe I can

         (except for infertility)

4. I can’t say no when there is a call for volunteers

5. I feel that I can control the behavior of others

6. I feel that I have all the answers

7. I feel overwhelmed and keep pushing myself

8. I think too highly of myself and pride rules
          (I'm proud to say that this has gotten better)

9. I think if I don’t do it, it will never get done, and nobody can do it as well

             (Except for cleaning the house)

10. I am reluctant to ask for help; watch me do it all by myself.

             (Kevin has always told me I was similar to a 2 year old)

I think this explains why infertility has been so difficult for me to accept.  I try to control my world as much as possible and fix things within my world that aren't working properly.  But I can't control any part of infertility and certainly can't fix it!  Having to come to terms with this has been SUPER humbling.  I'm doing better.  But something tells me it will take a lifetime to deal with it. 

I know God has a WONDERful plan for Kevin and I; one that might be different than our human expectations.  As children, most all women dream of and plan for motherhood.  I practiced on my sister.  I acted like her mom until...well I still do. But I digress.  Motherhood is a part of life that most women are conditioned for from our first baby doll.  So we grow up expecting that that is how life will be.  Motherhood becomes our greatest desire and our biggest failure when it doesn't happen. Then we question God when our plans go array.  But God didn't promise us motherhood! Psalm 37: 4 says "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  But what if the desires of my heart are more than a child, something I can't yet understand or appreciate?  I'll just have to let go of my WW persona, and let God fix this one! WW doesn't exist.  She is only a fictional character created to remind women that they are tough and can do just about anything!

God has this under control, he just has a little conditioning to do before he makes me the Katy he needs me to be!  Then he will reveal the true desires of my heart!

So there you have it.  Why the name Wonder Woman's Infertility fits my blog. 

The holiday is over! I'm back so let's unpack!

Well I'm back from my hyatus!  Sorry I left you guys for so long! But it has been a crazy couple of weeks! I hope you all had a great Christmas holiday! To my fellow infertiles, I hope it wasn't too hard! I have been gone for about 2 weeks, so let me catch you up!

Well about 2 weeks ago I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I didn't recognize the number on my missed calls and I suck at checking my voicemails, so it wasn't until about a week later that I found out who had called.  It was my RE's office.  They were calling to check in with Kevin and I to see when we wanted to start an IVF cycle. Well knowing that we are about $14,250.00 short of affording an IVF cycle, I mumbled to myself "NEVER!"  Luckily I was in my office and no one could hear me talking to myself. People might look at me a little funnier than they already do!  Kevin always tells me that I haven't mastered talking to myself quietly! I tell him that I have!  I whisper when I talk to myself, which is much quietier than when I talk to other people.  Anyway!  I sat at my desk for a while and thought about what to do!  Kevin and I had decided that we were going to adopt, and we were pretty satisfied and at peace with that decision, until I went to my surgeon's office (Dr. L).  When I saw Dr. L for my pre-op appointment, she asked me what the next step for us was going to be.  I told her adoption and she looked at me like I had four heads and 1 eyeball.  Seriously, she cocked her head to the side, squinted her eyes and just stared. She asked why, I told her about the AMH score, and she said (in her cute little french accent) "you aren't even going to see how you stimulate first?" Well that, of course, peeked my interest.  I asked her what she meant.  She told me that AMH is such a new concept for medicine (about 10 years old), with a lot of uncertainty, and she would hate to see us quit based solely on that score.  Now I must tell you that I trust my RE completely.  He has been doing this work for a very long time and is one of the best!  But when Dr. L said that I definately questioned our decision.

So when I got the message from Dr. D's office, I had to think about what to do next.  Most women would call their husband and talk it over with him.  Not me!  I am the type that has to come to the table with a solution and I don't want to bother him with the stress until I have that fix. So I sat there for a good 5 or 10 minutes and stared at the wall. I started to cry as I thought about the options and how every option wasn't possible.  Well I realized I was starting to get to the point of no return.  I was starting to cry so hard that I wasn't going to be able to control it soon.  If I had been at home that would have been fine, but at work, not so much.  So I called Dr. D's office and set up an appointment. We go on January 3rd to discuss options!

Needless to say, I have spent the past week and a half wondering and thinking.  But I managed to keep myself busy enough to enjoy the holiday. We had a week of court the week before Christmas, so that kept me hopping.  Then with all of the shopping, gift wrapping, baking, gatherings and such I didn't have a lot of time to think about it.  December 23rd is my sister's birthday. So we went out for dinner.  While we were there I discovered another fellow infertile. That made me feel better. Not that she was infertile! But she told me about her situation, and that made me stop thinking about my problems. On Christmas Eve we spent a lovely night at Kevin's mom's house, which was especially nice after a long day of baking. 

Then Christmas day was finally here!  This was my first Chirstmas of being an official infertile. Remember that we have known there would be difficulties for the past 10 years, but it wasn't until September that a diagnosis sealed the deal.  So this Christmas was a little different than Christmases past.  In the past I would have a moment of sadness and would reassure myself with the unknown.  That 20% chance! God can do a lot with 20%!  I know God can do a lot with 0% too, but this human couldn't stop feeling sorry for herself this year! It was much harder to lift myself back up. Christmas morning I woke up fine.  As I started getting ready, I started to think.  That translates to I started to cry.  Luckily, Kevin was still asleep so he didn't know! I really couldn't have told you why I was crying.  There wasn't a thing that caused it.  Nothing had happened.  Tears just started rolling down my face.  But I couldn't stop it! Finally, I got it under control. I made myself up as best I could so that no one would notice. Kevin still did! But I told him I couldn't talk about it (cause I would have started up again and I really couldn't explain it) and we went to his grandparents' house.

When we got there, we were met with the smell of country ham, bacon, eggs, and rolls. We also had a beautiful pregnant lady standing in the living room.  HOLD THE PHONE!  Before you think bad thoughts, I was SUPER excited to see her.  You see she is a fellow infertile who is three months pregnant following a five years struggle and her 1st cycle of IVF. So we had nothing but pregnant infertile love for her.  It was awesome to see her little baby bump and listen to her tell me all about her past three months of doctors appointments and what's to come.  I was feeling better almost instantly.  I stayed busy the rest of the day and didn't really have time to pay attention to the emotional blurps that periodically popped into my head.

When I finally slowed down and we were in for the night, I got punched in the face!  Kevin went outside to play with his new toys, and I had to clean up and wrap some more presents. I spent an entire hour wrapping one present because my mind was focused on how creative I could be with the bow, not "I'll never get to stay up all night doing this on Christmas Eve to see my child rip it open."  About that time Kevin came in, sat downstairs with me and started wathing tv.  Everything was fine, until... Kevin was watching "The Big Bang Theory." Sheldon made reference to different ways to make money.  One of those ways was selling sperm. Kevin said something to the effect of "Hey I could do that" or "I wonder how much it goes for" and it was over!  I know he meant nothing by it and normally it was be a haha funny comment, but not today! I immediately thought, oh so some other woman can have your children, because I can't!  I know that is crazy lady thinking, but I couldn't help it.  All I said was I don't think so, and I went to my room. I sat there and did my crying until I was better.

But to his defense, he didn't mean any harm by it and couldn't have known how I would take that comment because I hadn't expressed to him how I was feeling. So he waited a few minutes, let me have my private moment, then came to check on me once my door was open! He handled it the best way he could.  He is such a great hubby!

That was my Christmas!  A lot of joy, with a side of crazy lady!  My number one lesson was to take a moment to myself and let it all out!  I felt so much better after I cried in my room and just let it go!  So that's what it's gonna take! I hope your Christmas was wonderful and not too difficult!  Keep your head up and have a GREAT day!