Conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013

Then I cried!

I started crying because she said the words that I had feared for weeks. She said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to tell you that you aren't pregnant anymore."  I can't tell you what she said exactly because I all but blacked out.  I didn't actually lose consciousness, but that is the best way to describe what happened to me at that moment.  I heard her words but I didn't understand her words. I looked at Kevin and asked him what to do.  He looked just as confused as I did.  We didn't expect that!  He stepped over to me and hugged me.  He tried to fight back his tears and just held onto me.

Then I cried, harder!

I have never experienced a feeling like that.  I felt like I was in a fog and my brain just wouldn't work.  I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do next, but just couldn't think. I kept walking back and forth asking what to do and saying I can't figure it out.  I needed a plan, but had no clue how to plan.  Finally, Kevin told me that we needed to go home.  So I called my friend in the next office and asked her if my boss was back from lunch.  She immediately knew that something was wrong. It may have a been a clue that I was sobbing. Everyone in my office knew that we had another pregnancy test that day. I imagine that hearing my voice at that moment said everything that needed to be said. She came into my office and helped me figure out how to pack my bags and start on my way home.  Because I was so disoriented, she and another friend decided that I didn't need to drive.  That was the last thing I needed to do.  I can see the headlines now : "Local woman gets pulled over for DWI (Driving While dealing with Infertility)" So they drove me home.  Remember that Kevin was working. So he had to call his lieutenant to tell him and ask if he could go home for the day.

The Dr.'s office said that they could only assume that there was something genetically wrong with the fetus that made it incompatible with life. Obviously, there's no way to tell for sure. But that caused a flood of questions to run through my head. Does genetically mean that there is something wrong with me, genetically?  Does that mean the other embryos will be genetically incompatible too?  Can I make babies at all?  Can I do anything right? Is it something I did or didn't do?  I started to replay the past two weeks through my head.  Had I eaten or drank something that was forbidden?  Had I picked something up that was too heavy?  Had I gotten too stressed out?  Had I not been thankful enough?  Had I not prayed hard enough or asked God precisely enough for what I wanted?  WHAT DID I DO?

I remember asking the nurse "Is it something I did?"  I could hear a unique sadness in her voice when she emphatically told me that it was not my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong!  At that time I couldn't make sense of that response. All I could do was cry! It was my fault!  I had been entrusted with this amazing miracle and couldn't sustain it.  All at the same time, my dream and nightmare had come true.

One wonderful thing about my infertility journey is my support system. Later that night, my mom and dad and Kevin's mom came to the house and sat with us.  Trying to make us feel better. Trying to bring a smile to our faces. Then Unconceivably Blessed and Christine stopped by.  Unconceivably Blessed walked in with tears in her eyes because she knew exactly how I felt.  She had been through this twice.  She gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sorry.  They brought us a basket of goodies and tissues and sat with us. They succeeded in bringing out a much needed laugh.

I don't think it fully sank in until the next day.  I have never in my life felt an emptiness quite like that. Where my heart should have been, there was a hole. Where I had felt signs of life just days before was now nothing. I couldn't think, I didn't want to talk and I couldn't stop crying. In the next couple of days, I stopped crying as much but the emptiness didn't go away. Friends and family continued to come see us, and that helped me but it didn't heal me.  People continued to ask me what they could do for me.  I felt bad not having an answer for them, but I didn't know what I needed.  I still don't.

Dr. D's office told me that my period would start in a few days. The one dreaded symbol of womanhood that is Mother Nature's persistent reminder that I'm not pregnant. This month it would be different.  This month it would mean that I was no longer pregnant. But ironically enough, I wanted it to come. After the nurse gave us the news, I almost went into denial. I thought it could have been a mistake.  I couldn't stop thinking that maybe the lab got my results mixed up with someone else's.  It was someone else that wasn't pregnant any longer, not me. Until my period came, I had that hope that it was a mistake. So in a way I wanted my period to come so that it was real. Aunt flo finally came and it was terribly painful.  Unconceivably Blessed had warned me about how the pain would be. She was spot on. It was a cocktail of relief and devastation.

Then I cried, again!

Then crazy lady came to visit. I started thinking stupid thoughts.  I started feeling like I had let Kevin down.  If only he had married someone else.  He would make such a wonderful father, he didn't deserve this grief.  I had let him down, AGAIN! I understand that he has never felt this way. In fact, he has told me on multiple occasions that he didn't marry me for my uterus.  He married me because he loved ME.  But in the mind of a woman who feels broken and like a failure, these thoughts seem plenty rational.  Those thoughts became less frequent and I cried a little less. It was mostly when I was alone and had time to stew that I was the saddest. When I was around people, it wasn't as bad.  I could stop thinking about it for a minute. But I was still different.  I felt that emptiness no matter who was around; no matter where I was.  The happiness that I had before the miscarriage was MIA. Walking down the aisle of the grocery store, I was just in a hurry to get home.  Before I took my time, dancing and singing down the aisle. (Come to think about it maybe that's why people stare) Even though Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year, I have barely bought any Christmas presents, I don't want to listen to Christmas songs, and I have no desire to finish decorating the house. I am a pretty happy person, most of the time! But now, I feel like I just exist!

But I've made a decision!  I may not be back to "me" tomorrow, but I will get there. I triumphed over crazy lady and infertility before and I WILL do it again!  Understand that it might take some time, and I might be sad here and there. But the one thing I haven't lost, only refined through my infertility journey, is my will to FIGHT!!!  Those who know me, know that I don't settle and I don't give up without a fight!  Why should this be any different.   I will always remember our first baby; conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013.  God is holding us both now. He will see me through this with you by his side! My faith will be strengthened and one day I will meet you.  But until then, I will dream of you, fight through this sadness and pain, and pray for a baby born to me here. I will relearn to trust Him and understand that He has a plan that is much more amazing than mine!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13-16.