I can't believe we are here. It feels like yesterday I was saying 2013 was going to be a great year. Now 2013 is coming to an end and 2014 is upon us. It has been a year full of experiences. Today I was on Facebook and saw something kind of neat. It was a review of your most popular posts and pictures that were shared of you, so I decided to do that on her. A recap of the years events.
This time last year I was still recovering from my surgery that removed my Fallopian tubes. I was trying to come to terms with not being able to afford IVF and looking into alternate ways to build our family. I tried to start 2013 with a positive attitude. You know what I mean. "This year is going to be different," "This year is going to be our year," "God will bless us this year!" I think people start every year with that kind of talk. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone say "this year was great I hope next year is just as good." Sorry for the rambling. 2012 was a difficult year so we had something to hope for when wishing 2013 would be better. We had been diagnosed with horrible fallopian tubes and the ovaries of a 40 year old.
We started 2013 in the RE's office. January 2nd 2013, we saw Dr. D and he told us that time was of the essence. We knew that money was of the essence too; and money we didn't have. So we decided to wait for God to tell us what to do. We would wait until July, pray about our situation, and see where God took us. In the months between January and July, I prayed for God's will to be done. I came to terms with the fact that God's will may not be for me to have a child of my own. I accepted that God's will may be for Kevin and I to adopt an embryo that was the biological child of someone else; God's will may be for Kevin and I to adopt an already born child; or God's will may be for me to be the best aunt to every child that comes into my life. We decided that we would wait until July. We would retest and decide what to do then. If my results went up or even stayed the same, we would try IVF. If they went down, we would look at adoption of some sort.
In February of 2013, I saw the worst part of infertility. Unconceivably Blessed did another frozen cycle. She called me at work the day of her transfer asking me for advice about how many to transfer. They had three embryos left and their doctor was willing to transfer them all. I said "Go for it. You can carry trips." So they did and they got pregnant! I can't describe to you how happy I was when she told me! A couple of weeks later, on the day of their first ultrasound, she texted me and told me that she was no longer pregnant. I was sitting in my car heading back to work from my lunch break. Brokenhearted doesn't accurately describe the way I felt. I wrote a blog about it that night and I posted a song that I had heard on the radio earlier. The song was "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. I just took a minute to listen to it again and it is still just as powerful to me and it takes me straight back to the same emotional place I was that night.
In May of 2013, Unconceivably Blessed and I started a support group for women with infertility. We both understood the importance of having a companion walking with you on this journey and we wanted to make sure other women had that same company. There was no support group, that we could find, in any surrounding county. So we decided to change that. We met on the second Thursday of every month at the public library. Our first meeting had six or seven women in attendance. Since then every month we have kept the company of amazing women, some traveling as much as an hour to attend. I look forward to every meeting because just as much as I hope I help those ladies, talking to them gives my heart such relief. It's like a heaping dose of infertility medicine (finally, one that I don't have to pay for).
In July, we retested and got good news. My results went up. So we decided to try an IVF cycle. We still had the task of paying for it though. A friend of ours told me about borrowing money from their retirement and suggested we look into it. So we did. We discovered that there are rules to borrowing from your retirement account. One of those rules was that you could only borrow up to half the amount in the retirement account. That month's contribution made half of the total amount just enough to pay for the IVF procedure. We raised the rest of the money with yard sales. Out of the goodness of their hearts, our friends and family donated items so that we could raise more money. God provided!
In September, Unconceivably Blessed and I were contacted by a journalism student who was doing a project on the science of infertility. She wanted to talk to us about our infertility journeys and see if we would be willing to participate in her project. We decided to open our lives up to her and share our stories. It's still a work in progress.
In October, we did our first IVF cycle. It was a different part of the journey. There was territory that I was unfamiliar with. I felt emotions that I had never felt before. These emotions were difficult but important. On October 28th, Dr. D took 13 eggs out of my ovaries and helped us create 10 lives from those eggs.
On November 2nd, we had 5 embryos still developing and we chose to transfer 1 embryo into my uterus. We were able to freeze 3 embryos that made it to day 6 of development. On November 11th, we heard the words that we thought we would never be blessed enough to hear. We were pregnant. That feeling was amazing. It was surreal. It didn't sink in right away but it didn't take long. But it didn't last long either. November 19th we found out that we had miscarried. I thought that was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know how hard the days to come would be.
But November wasn't a total wash. On November 11th, the same day we found out we were pregnant, we found out that my little sister was pregnant. I was going to be a real aunt. Now, I have always been honest on this blog and this is not a time for exception. I have to be completely honest and say that I didn't know how to feel. Of course I was excited and glad that my sister didn't have any issues with infertility and didn't have to go through what we had been through. But I must admit that I was a little bit of a brat at first. I did feel like a little baby rain shower whose thunder had been stolen. For a minute I thought "are you kidding me, we just went through hell to get pregnant, we finally do and we can't have it to ourselves for five minutes?" But then the happiness of me being an aunt, being pregnant at the same time with my sister, and knowing she didn't have to experience the hell that we had just gone through replaced those feelings. I felt terrible for not being elated from the beginning, but I made the conscious decisions to change those feelings.
Over the two weeks that we were pregnant together, we texted back and forth sharing what different symptoms we were experiencing. After Kevin and I found out that we miscarried, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her because I knew that she would feel guilty that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I so badly didn't want her to feel anything but happy for herself. But more importantly I wanted to feel happy for her. But I didn't. I couldn't feel happy for her because I felt so sorry for myself. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions from my miscarriage while she got more and more pregnant. I started to feel myself getting more and more bitter and resentful. I found myself feeling the same way I did about pregnant women in general when I was first diagnosed with infertility. But no matter how hard I tried to change my mind, I couldn't change those feelings. No matter how many times I prayed for God to take those thoughts captive and change them, they remained. But this wasn't some woman walking down the street. This was my sister. What kind of person was I that I was hurt and jealous that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I can't tell you how many times I said to myself "get over yourself girl." But I couldn't tell her that I had all of these feelings because I knew it would break her heart and that would re-break mine. I knew her heart and I knew that if she thought she had hurt me, it will kill her. So I decided not to tell her and suffer quietly, alone. But that fixes nothing.
So I set out to fix it. I refused to stay like that. I refused to be what made her feel guilty for being pregnant and I refused to be quiet about this experience. My main problem was that I wanted to deal with the pain of the miscarriage too quickly. I wanted to cry a good ugly cry, pick myself up and move on. That wasn't going to happen. This non-superhero that sometimes forgets she's human was expecting too much. I was putting too much pressure on myself, not letting myself go through the grieving process and heal properly. It's ok to be mad, sad, jealous, and hurt. But it's not ok for me to stay that way forever. I have to go through each one of those emotions to come out healthy on the other side. I haven't stopped feeling mad that I am no longer pregnant, but I don't feel it everyday. I have certainly not stopped feeling sad that we will never meet our first baby, that we will never know if it was a boy or a girl, or that God took him/her to heaven before letting us enjoy them on earth. I have cried almost everyday since November 19th, but that is better than crying everyday.
The blessings are what I have to concentrate on. Some days that is soooooo much easier said than done. Nonetheless, that is what I have to do. One of my fellow infertiles told me that she was clinging to her faith because that is all she had left. I am so blessed that I am a child of God and He is strengthening me. I am blessed that God gave me a husband who is strong, steadfast, and extremely patient with me. I am blessed that I have family and friends that love me through this. I am blessed to have a niece or nephew on the way. I am blessed to have an amazing support system in my infertility family. I am blessed that we have 3 more embryos waiting to become babies. I am blessed that now, because of this horribly painful experience, I can tell another woman who miscarries that she will be ok. I will know that it is enough to just sit and wait until she is ready to talk. Without infertility I don't know if I would appreciate just how blessed I am.
At the beginning of 2013 I wrote a post similar to this one, recapping 2012 and looking forward to 2013. At the end of that blog I wrote: "So here's to 2013, the prosperous year of the 13! A year of less bad news for all of us, bigger hopes, smiles all around, more what if dreams, and maybe, just maybe, our baby reality!"
Now at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 I have this to say:
It was 13 months after being officially diagnosed with infertility that we had 13 eggs retrieved from my 40 year old ovaries. It was 14 days after those 13 eggs were retrieved that we found out we were pregnant, almost 14 months after we were diagnosed with infertility. It was also in the same 14th month that we found out our baby was born into heaven and resting in the arms of Jesus. On January 1 of 2014, my little sister will be 13 weeks pregnant and I will be happy for that! I don't know what 2014 will bring but I do know that '13 and '14 are mysteriously intertwined. So I pray that 2014 will be a year where God's will is done. I pray for healing, strength and understanding through that time.
Don't forget to "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:1-4
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013
Then I cried!
I started crying because she said the words that I had feared for weeks. She said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to tell you that you aren't pregnant anymore." I can't tell you what she said exactly because I all but blacked out. I didn't actually lose consciousness, but that is the best way to describe what happened to me at that moment. I heard her words but I didn't understand her words. I looked at Kevin and asked him what to do. He looked just as confused as I did. We didn't expect that! He stepped over to me and hugged me. He tried to fight back his tears and just held onto me.
Then I cried, harder!
I have never experienced a feeling like that. I felt like I was in a fog and my brain just wouldn't work. I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do next, but just couldn't think. I kept walking back and forth asking what to do and saying I can't figure it out. I needed a plan, but had no clue how to plan. Finally, Kevin told me that we needed to go home. So I called my friend in the next office and asked her if my boss was back from lunch. She immediately knew that something was wrong. It may have a been a clue that I was sobbing. Everyone in my office knew that we had another pregnancy test that day. I imagine that hearing my voice at that moment said everything that needed to be said. She came into my office and helped me figure out how to pack my bags and start on my way home. Because I was so disoriented, she and another friend decided that I didn't need to drive. That was the last thing I needed to do. I can see the headlines now : "Local woman gets pulled over for DWI (Driving While dealing with Infertility)" So they drove me home. Remember that Kevin was working. So he had to call his lieutenant to tell him and ask if he could go home for the day.
The Dr.'s office said that they could only assume that there was something genetically wrong with the fetus that made it incompatible with life. Obviously, there's no way to tell for sure. But that caused a flood of questions to run through my head. Does genetically mean that there is something wrong with me, genetically? Does that mean the other embryos will be genetically incompatible too? Can I make babies at all? Can I do anything right? Is it something I did or didn't do? I started to replay the past two weeks through my head. Had I eaten or drank something that was forbidden? Had I picked something up that was too heavy? Had I gotten too stressed out? Had I not been thankful enough? Had I not prayed hard enough or asked God precisely enough for what I wanted? WHAT DID I DO?
I remember asking the nurse "Is it something I did?" I could hear a unique sadness in her voice when she emphatically told me that it was not my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong! At that time I couldn't make sense of that response. All I could do was cry! It was my fault! I had been entrusted with this amazing miracle and couldn't sustain it. All at the same time, my dream and nightmare had come true.
One wonderful thing about my infertility journey is my support system. Later that night, my mom and dad and Kevin's mom came to the house and sat with us. Trying to make us feel better. Trying to bring a smile to our faces. Then Unconceivably Blessed and Christine stopped by. Unconceivably Blessed walked in with tears in her eyes because she knew exactly how I felt. She had been through this twice. She gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sorry. They brought us a basket of goodies and tissues and sat with us. They succeeded in bringing out a much needed laugh.
I don't think it fully sank in until the next day. I have never in my life felt an emptiness quite like that. Where my heart should have been, there was a hole. Where I had felt signs of life just days before was now nothing. I couldn't think, I didn't want to talk and I couldn't stop crying. In the next couple of days, I stopped crying as much but the emptiness didn't go away. Friends and family continued to come see us, and that helped me but it didn't heal me. People continued to ask me what they could do for me. I felt bad not having an answer for them, but I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
Dr. D's office told me that my period would start in a few days. The one dreaded symbol of womanhood that is Mother Nature's persistent reminder that I'm not pregnant. This month it would be different. This month it would mean that I was no longer pregnant. But ironically enough, I wanted it to come. After the nurse gave us the news, I almost went into denial. I thought it could have been a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe the lab got my results mixed up with someone else's. It was someone else that wasn't pregnant any longer, not me. Until my period came, I had that hope that it was a mistake. So in a way I wanted my period to come so that it was real. Aunt flo finally came and it was terribly painful. Unconceivably Blessed had warned me about how the pain would be. She was spot on. It was a cocktail of relief and devastation.
Then I cried, again!
Then crazy lady came to visit. I started thinking stupid thoughts. I started feeling like I had let Kevin down. If only he had married someone else. He would make such a wonderful father, he didn't deserve this grief. I had let him down, AGAIN! I understand that he has never felt this way. In fact, he has told me on multiple occasions that he didn't marry me for my uterus. He married me because he loved ME. But in the mind of a woman who feels broken and like a failure, these thoughts seem plenty rational. Those thoughts became less frequent and I cried a little less. It was mostly when I was alone and had time to stew that I was the saddest. When I was around people, it wasn't as bad. I could stop thinking about it for a minute. But I was still different. I felt that emptiness no matter who was around; no matter where I was. The happiness that I had before the miscarriage was MIA. Walking down the aisle of the grocery store, I was just in a hurry to get home. Before I took my time, dancing and singing down the aisle. (Come to think about it maybe that's why people stare) Even though Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year, I have barely bought any Christmas presents, I don't want to listen to Christmas songs, and I have no desire to finish decorating the house. I am a pretty happy person, most of the time! But now, I feel like I just exist!
But I've made a decision! I may not be back to "me" tomorrow, but I will get there. I triumphed over crazy lady and infertility before and I WILL do it again! Understand that it might take some time, and I might be sad here and there. But the one thing I haven't lost, only refined through my infertility journey, is my will to FIGHT!!! Those who know me, know that I don't settle and I don't give up without a fight! Why should this be any different. I will always remember our first baby; conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013. God is holding us both now. He will see me through this with you by his side! My faith will be strengthened and one day I will meet you. But until then, I will dream of you, fight through this sadness and pain, and pray for a baby born to me here. I will relearn to trust Him and understand that He has a plan that is much more amazing than mine!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16.
I started crying because she said the words that I had feared for weeks. She said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to tell you that you aren't pregnant anymore." I can't tell you what she said exactly because I all but blacked out. I didn't actually lose consciousness, but that is the best way to describe what happened to me at that moment. I heard her words but I didn't understand her words. I looked at Kevin and asked him what to do. He looked just as confused as I did. We didn't expect that! He stepped over to me and hugged me. He tried to fight back his tears and just held onto me.
Then I cried, harder!
I have never experienced a feeling like that. I felt like I was in a fog and my brain just wouldn't work. I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do next, but just couldn't think. I kept walking back and forth asking what to do and saying I can't figure it out. I needed a plan, but had no clue how to plan. Finally, Kevin told me that we needed to go home. So I called my friend in the next office and asked her if my boss was back from lunch. She immediately knew that something was wrong. It may have a been a clue that I was sobbing. Everyone in my office knew that we had another pregnancy test that day. I imagine that hearing my voice at that moment said everything that needed to be said. She came into my office and helped me figure out how to pack my bags and start on my way home. Because I was so disoriented, she and another friend decided that I didn't need to drive. That was the last thing I needed to do. I can see the headlines now : "Local woman gets pulled over for DWI (Driving While dealing with Infertility)" So they drove me home. Remember that Kevin was working. So he had to call his lieutenant to tell him and ask if he could go home for the day.
The Dr.'s office said that they could only assume that there was something genetically wrong with the fetus that made it incompatible with life. Obviously, there's no way to tell for sure. But that caused a flood of questions to run through my head. Does genetically mean that there is something wrong with me, genetically? Does that mean the other embryos will be genetically incompatible too? Can I make babies at all? Can I do anything right? Is it something I did or didn't do? I started to replay the past two weeks through my head. Had I eaten or drank something that was forbidden? Had I picked something up that was too heavy? Had I gotten too stressed out? Had I not been thankful enough? Had I not prayed hard enough or asked God precisely enough for what I wanted? WHAT DID I DO?
I remember asking the nurse "Is it something I did?" I could hear a unique sadness in her voice when she emphatically told me that it was not my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong! At that time I couldn't make sense of that response. All I could do was cry! It was my fault! I had been entrusted with this amazing miracle and couldn't sustain it. All at the same time, my dream and nightmare had come true.
One wonderful thing about my infertility journey is my support system. Later that night, my mom and dad and Kevin's mom came to the house and sat with us. Trying to make us feel better. Trying to bring a smile to our faces. Then Unconceivably Blessed and Christine stopped by. Unconceivably Blessed walked in with tears in her eyes because she knew exactly how I felt. She had been through this twice. She gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sorry. They brought us a basket of goodies and tissues and sat with us. They succeeded in bringing out a much needed laugh.
I don't think it fully sank in until the next day. I have never in my life felt an emptiness quite like that. Where my heart should have been, there was a hole. Where I had felt signs of life just days before was now nothing. I couldn't think, I didn't want to talk and I couldn't stop crying. In the next couple of days, I stopped crying as much but the emptiness didn't go away. Friends and family continued to come see us, and that helped me but it didn't heal me. People continued to ask me what they could do for me. I felt bad not having an answer for them, but I didn't know what I needed. I still don't.
Dr. D's office told me that my period would start in a few days. The one dreaded symbol of womanhood that is Mother Nature's persistent reminder that I'm not pregnant. This month it would be different. This month it would mean that I was no longer pregnant. But ironically enough, I wanted it to come. After the nurse gave us the news, I almost went into denial. I thought it could have been a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe the lab got my results mixed up with someone else's. It was someone else that wasn't pregnant any longer, not me. Until my period came, I had that hope that it was a mistake. So in a way I wanted my period to come so that it was real. Aunt flo finally came and it was terribly painful. Unconceivably Blessed had warned me about how the pain would be. She was spot on. It was a cocktail of relief and devastation.
Then I cried, again!
Then crazy lady came to visit. I started thinking stupid thoughts. I started feeling like I had let Kevin down. If only he had married someone else. He would make such a wonderful father, he didn't deserve this grief. I had let him down, AGAIN! I understand that he has never felt this way. In fact, he has told me on multiple occasions that he didn't marry me for my uterus. He married me because he loved ME. But in the mind of a woman who feels broken and like a failure, these thoughts seem plenty rational. Those thoughts became less frequent and I cried a little less. It was mostly when I was alone and had time to stew that I was the saddest. When I was around people, it wasn't as bad. I could stop thinking about it for a minute. But I was still different. I felt that emptiness no matter who was around; no matter where I was. The happiness that I had before the miscarriage was MIA. Walking down the aisle of the grocery store, I was just in a hurry to get home. Before I took my time, dancing and singing down the aisle. (Come to think about it maybe that's why people stare) Even though Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year, I have barely bought any Christmas presents, I don't want to listen to Christmas songs, and I have no desire to finish decorating the house. I am a pretty happy person, most of the time! But now, I feel like I just exist!
But I've made a decision! I may not be back to "me" tomorrow, but I will get there. I triumphed over crazy lady and infertility before and I WILL do it again! Understand that it might take some time, and I might be sad here and there. But the one thing I haven't lost, only refined through my infertility journey, is my will to FIGHT!!! Those who know me, know that I don't settle and I don't give up without a fight! Why should this be any different. I will always remember our first baby; conceived on October 28, 2013 and born into heaven on November 19, 2013. God is holding us both now. He will see me through this with you by his side! My faith will be strengthened and one day I will meet you. But until then, I will dream of you, fight through this sadness and pain, and pray for a baby born to me here. I will relearn to trust Him and understand that He has a plan that is much more amazing than mine!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Catching up with old friends, infertility style!
I know that I've been gone for a while, but please forgive me because I've been going through a whirlwind. I started this blog as a therapeutic means of dealing with my infertility. As I became more used to the idea of having infertility and we waited to win the lottery (in order to pay for our IVF), there wasn't as much to vent about and less therapy was needed. But now I have a totally new topic to vent, yell, and scream about. But first let me catch you up.
The last post told you that Kevin and I were planning to do an IVF session in October. We were able to get our meds at a reasonable price. We were able to save enough money to pay for the cycle by doing yard sales and borrowing from retirement. We figured this was a good enough reason to postpone retirement. So we started our adventure on Friday October 18. We went for a baseline ultrasound and things looked good. We had a decent amount of follicles and the uterine lining was nice and thick. Kevin gave me the first shot of Menopur that night. I had to have 6 vials of Menopur per shot. We anticipated having to do 12 nights of shots because my AMH was so low. Kevin continued to give me shots Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. On Tuesday October 22, we went back to the doctor to monitor the progress my ovaries were making. We were doing well. We had more follicles than we anticipated. Of course, they weren't all mature but things were looking promising. I had to give blood so they could test my estradiol and progesterone levels. They called later that afternoon and told us that my progesterone level was too high. It was 2.3. They told me to start the Ganirelix to prevent me from ovulating. I had to go back to Dr. D's office the next day to have my blood tested again. If my progesterone level rose at all, we would have had to cancel the cycle.
Why is the progesterone level so important? Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus. When your progesterone gets to a certain level, it signals your brain to "ovulate." Well, obviously, in IVF we don't want my body to listen to itself. We want it to respond to the commands of the medicines. Since we were only 3 days into the cycle and didn't have nearly enough mature follicles we didn't want that progesterone level to go up another smidge.
On Wednesday October 23, my progesterone levels went down to 1.4. Whoooooooooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin and I were so excited because that meant that we could keep going. So we continued both the Menopur and Ganirelix until Friday October 25. We went for what ended up being our last ultrasound. We had great follicles and a lot of mature ones at that. Again, we tested the estradiol and progesterone levels. The progesterone level was up again. It was 2.7. Now remember that we were a couple more days into the cycle. So if the level stayed at 2.7 for the rest of the cycle that would have been fine. But I had to go back Saturday October 26 to test again. That day it was back down to 1.9. Speaking of Roller Coaster... So Dr. D told us to go ahead and trigger that night and get ready for the retrieval on Monday October 28. (Side note: The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HcG (aka the pregnancy hormone) that starts the ovulation process. It is very time sensitive and must be done as close to a specific time as possible.)
Monday morning: We went for the retrieval. They were able to retrieve 13 eggs. We were super excited because that exceeded all of our expectations. In fact Dr. D said "it was a stupendous day." They called us the next day to tell us that 10 of those 13 eggs fertilized and they were able to do conventional fertilization. (Conventional fertilization is when they put 50,000 sperm on each egg and let them fight to the death. May the best sperm win!) They expected because of my low AMH to have to do ICSI but luckily they didn't have to. (ICSI is when they suck a couple of good looking sperm into a straw and insert one sperm into each egg. Basically, the embryologist is a million dollar matchmaker.) After waiting 5 days, we went to Dr. D's office for the transfer. Before we got there I had to drink 32 ounces of liquid so that I would have a full bladder. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to see where to put the embryo. We found out that we had 5 embryos left. It's natural to have fewer embryos on day five than what you start with on day 1. Ending up with 50% of the embryos that you started with is a pretty good percentage. We decided only to transfer 1 embryo. After the transfer I had to lay there for 20 minutes. With a full bladder!!!! I only made it 10 minutes. But I climbed back on the table to lay the remaining 10 minutes. Then we had to wait, AGAIN!! We had to wait 9 days to find out whether that one embryo decided to "stick" around.
Finally, Monday November 11! PREGNANCY TEST DAY!! I went to have my blood drawn that morning and they would call later that afternoon with the results. When they finally called, I was terrified. You would think that someone who has been waiting to be pregnant for so long would break their neck trying to get to the phone. But quite the opposite, not this chicken. I heard the phone ringing and just ignored it. I was scared to death that the nurse would say "I'm sorry but negative." Finally, I found Kevin and we called the nurse back. We sat on hold for 10 minutes waiting for the nurse. It just seemed fitting. As if we had not waited long enough! She finally came on the line and told us that she was so happy to tell us that we were PREGNANT!!!
We were elated. We couldn't believe it. We drove straight to the grocery store to buy a HPT so that I could see a positive. Funny thing is that when I went to check on the HPT results, my heart started pounding and I was scared that it would be negative even though the Dr's office had already confirmed. We drove to tell friends and family. It was impossible to keep it a secret because everyone knew that we were doing the cycle. After a week of being pregnant, EVERYONE I knew knew we were pregnant. The had to wait a week and go back for another pregnancy test. Because the miscarriage rate was so high still we had to go make sure we were still pregnant.
November 19, 2013. I went for the normal morning blood draw. We waited for the normal afternoon phone call. Kevin and I were both working. So when I got the phone call, I let it go to voicemail and called Kevin to come up to my office. Once he got there, we listened to the news.
Then I cried!
The last post told you that Kevin and I were planning to do an IVF session in October. We were able to get our meds at a reasonable price. We were able to save enough money to pay for the cycle by doing yard sales and borrowing from retirement. We figured this was a good enough reason to postpone retirement. So we started our adventure on Friday October 18. We went for a baseline ultrasound and things looked good. We had a decent amount of follicles and the uterine lining was nice and thick. Kevin gave me the first shot of Menopur that night. I had to have 6 vials of Menopur per shot. We anticipated having to do 12 nights of shots because my AMH was so low. Kevin continued to give me shots Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. On Tuesday October 22, we went back to the doctor to monitor the progress my ovaries were making. We were doing well. We had more follicles than we anticipated. Of course, they weren't all mature but things were looking promising. I had to give blood so they could test my estradiol and progesterone levels. They called later that afternoon and told us that my progesterone level was too high. It was 2.3. They told me to start the Ganirelix to prevent me from ovulating. I had to go back to Dr. D's office the next day to have my blood tested again. If my progesterone level rose at all, we would have had to cancel the cycle.
Why is the progesterone level so important? Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus. When your progesterone gets to a certain level, it signals your brain to "ovulate." Well, obviously, in IVF we don't want my body to listen to itself. We want it to respond to the commands of the medicines. Since we were only 3 days into the cycle and didn't have nearly enough mature follicles we didn't want that progesterone level to go up another smidge.
On Wednesday October 23, my progesterone levels went down to 1.4. Whoooooooooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin and I were so excited because that meant that we could keep going. So we continued both the Menopur and Ganirelix until Friday October 25. We went for what ended up being our last ultrasound. We had great follicles and a lot of mature ones at that. Again, we tested the estradiol and progesterone levels. The progesterone level was up again. It was 2.7. Now remember that we were a couple more days into the cycle. So if the level stayed at 2.7 for the rest of the cycle that would have been fine. But I had to go back Saturday October 26 to test again. That day it was back down to 1.9. Speaking of Roller Coaster... So Dr. D told us to go ahead and trigger that night and get ready for the retrieval on Monday October 28. (Side note: The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HcG (aka the pregnancy hormone) that starts the ovulation process. It is very time sensitive and must be done as close to a specific time as possible.)
Monday morning: We went for the retrieval. They were able to retrieve 13 eggs. We were super excited because that exceeded all of our expectations. In fact Dr. D said "it was a stupendous day." They called us the next day to tell us that 10 of those 13 eggs fertilized and they were able to do conventional fertilization. (Conventional fertilization is when they put 50,000 sperm on each egg and let them fight to the death. May the best sperm win!) They expected because of my low AMH to have to do ICSI but luckily they didn't have to. (ICSI is when they suck a couple of good looking sperm into a straw and insert one sperm into each egg. Basically, the embryologist is a million dollar matchmaker.) After waiting 5 days, we went to Dr. D's office for the transfer. Before we got there I had to drink 32 ounces of liquid so that I would have a full bladder. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to see where to put the embryo. We found out that we had 5 embryos left. It's natural to have fewer embryos on day five than what you start with on day 1. Ending up with 50% of the embryos that you started with is a pretty good percentage. We decided only to transfer 1 embryo. After the transfer I had to lay there for 20 minutes. With a full bladder!!!! I only made it 10 minutes. But I climbed back on the table to lay the remaining 10 minutes. Then we had to wait, AGAIN!! We had to wait 9 days to find out whether that one embryo decided to "stick" around.
Finally, Monday November 11! PREGNANCY TEST DAY!! I went to have my blood drawn that morning and they would call later that afternoon with the results. When they finally called, I was terrified. You would think that someone who has been waiting to be pregnant for so long would break their neck trying to get to the phone. But quite the opposite, not this chicken. I heard the phone ringing and just ignored it. I was scared to death that the nurse would say "I'm sorry but negative." Finally, I found Kevin and we called the nurse back. We sat on hold for 10 minutes waiting for the nurse. It just seemed fitting. As if we had not waited long enough! She finally came on the line and told us that she was so happy to tell us that we were PREGNANT!!!
We were elated. We couldn't believe it. We drove straight to the grocery store to buy a HPT so that I could see a positive. Funny thing is that when I went to check on the HPT results, my heart started pounding and I was scared that it would be negative even though the Dr's office had already confirmed. We drove to tell friends and family. It was impossible to keep it a secret because everyone knew that we were doing the cycle. After a week of being pregnant, EVERYONE I knew knew we were pregnant. The had to wait a week and go back for another pregnancy test. Because the miscarriage rate was so high still we had to go make sure we were still pregnant.
November 19, 2013. I went for the normal morning blood draw. We waited for the normal afternoon phone call. Kevin and I were both working. So when I got the phone call, I let it go to voicemail and called Kevin to come up to my office. Once he got there, we listened to the news.
Then I cried!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Taking my business elsewhere: The reality of the disabled Infertile!
Well the last month has been a bit of a whirlwind. I don't even know where to start. You know that Kevin and I decided at the end of July that we were going to do an IVF cycle in October. So in the past few weeks I have talked to insurance reps, pharmacy reps, and the nurses at my doctor's office more than I have my family. No joke. It feels like I talk to someone from one of these three places everyday. When I call my doctor's office, all I have to say is "hey, it's Katy." Their response is "Hey, what's up?" I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one.
Anyone who has done or planned to do an IVF cycle knows how expensive it is. We got a preliminary report about how much the procedure would cost. Then we got a list of medications. My nurse told me to call my insurance company and find out what, if any, coverage I had for those medicines. She told me how important it was to tell them that I was taking the medications in conjunction with an IVF cycle. Because of my low AMH, I have to have the highest medication protocol they have. So of course that means that the meds are going to cost more because I need more of them.
So I called the pharmaceutical side of my insurance company. (Side Note: There are two separate parts of my insurance company: the Medical part and the Pharmaceutical part. You will see that they apparently don't talk to each other) When I talked to the first representative, I told her that I was doing an IVF cycle and I needed to know how much my medicines were going to cost. I repeated to her that I was needing these medications so that I could become pregnant with the assistance of doctors. For a third time, I told her that my husband and I could not have children on our own and needed the assistance of some really smart people. We went through the list together and she gave me a co-pay amount for each medication. The total? Drum roll please (imagine it)! Less than $500. That was for 8 IVF medications. I couldn't believe it! I was sitting in my office and my jaw dropped to my desk. I was speechless. I asked her if she was positive that she was right. I reminded her that I was doing IVF and she said I know but that's what it says your co-pay is. We hung up and I called my nurse. She was just as excited as me. But being the pessimistic and cautious person that I am, I had to call the insurance company back. I called the medical side this time. I knew that I only had coverage up to diagnosis, but nothing for IVF or medications. So I wanted some clarification. The representative told me that I didn't have coverage for meds. I told her what the lady on the pharm. side said. She said "Well if that's what she told you then that's what it will be." My heart fell onto my desk, instead of my jaw. But that still wasn't enough for me. I called the pharm side back. Knowing I would get a different representative, I decided that I would trust the total if she told me the same thing. Well she didn't tell me the same thing. IT WAS CHEAPER!!! Ok this time, I fell onto my desk!
Well you know how they say "if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't right?" Well, it was too good to be true. My doctor sent the script to the pharmacy, they ran it through my insurance, and called me and said my bill was $6,300. I fell out onto my desk again. Totally skipped the jaw and the heart drop. The whole body, just collapsed. I asked them why they didn't run it through my insurance. She told me that they did but that insurance denied the claim. She followed that up with "will you be paying with credit or debit?" I wanted to say "Monopoly money," but I didn't. I told her that I wouldn't be paying for anything right now. Throughout the next week, after many phone calls to and from the pharmacy and insurance company (every call, by the way, the representative gave me wrong information or they said that my concerns weren't their department and transferred me. One lady pretended that she couldn't use her computer and hung up on me) we determined that I had no coverage for 4 of the 8 medications. 4 of the meds were covered because they were meds that are not associated with infertility. The other 4 were still going to cost close to $6,000. Still going to have to use Monopoly money for that!
So I was super excited that we had support group that week. I needed some advice from my sista infertiles and needed to just let off some frustration. Well it just so happened that we had a newcomer. She told me about a pharmacy in the UK that she was buying her meds from. They ship them here and they are ridiculously cheaper. So I rushed home and looked them up. OMG after checking out the site, I determined that my meds would cost less than $2500. The most expensive medicine that I need costs $72 a vial here in the US. I need 66 vials. In the UK, it costs $29 a vial. Of course I didn't trust it. So I checked the pharmacy and their meds out the best I could. The pharmacy is totally legit. The medicines? It is the exact same medicine that I would have gotten from the pharmacy here. I went to the pharmaceutical manufacturers website and discovered that the medicine that I would have received from the USA pharmacy, comes from overseas to begin with. So ladies and gentlemen, that's what we call the American mark-up! Sorry, it really chaps my tiny hiny that the EXACT same medicine is $43 more here. And to make me feel better, my insurance company told me that if Kevin and I were using the medications to try to get pregnant on our own at home (not with IVF), they would cover them and it would have cost the original $500.
So my America, that I truly feel privileged to be a citizen of, just told me that it's my problem, not theirs, that I was sick as a child and as a result can't have babies, the almighty dollar is more important than the hard working people, and we would prefer you to do your business elsewhere. But what is our problem, and therefore your problem as a working person who pays taxes, is paying the rent and grocery bill of people who decide they don't feel like working anymore and doctor shop until they find someone to say they are bi-polar because they lose their temper when they get too drunk everyday. After all, they have a disability.
Well that is interesting, because under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) infertility is a disability. So why is my disability different? Because it costs too much money! After the Supreme Court made up some crap about excluding an entire group of people from insurance benefits doesn't qualify as discrimination, the American insurance companies can legally discriminate against infertiles who need IVF. So because it is too risky and not a guarantee that IVF will result in a pregnancy, insurance companies don't pay.
Now please don't misunderstand me. I don't think that the American government should pay for my procedure and medication, or send me a monthly check for my disability. I don't want that because I am completely capable of working and making my living. And I am not saying that everyone who receives a disability check is not completely deserving of it. But let's be completely honest, most people receiving a disability check are abusing the system. People who really CAN'T (this is different from WON'T) make their living because of their disability are unable to get assistance because we are paying too many people whose "disability" is laziness or stupidity. I am saying that I don't think that insurance companies should be able to pick and choose whose disability is worth giving coverage to and whose isn't. We pay the same premiums as everyone else. I thought the point of insurance was to help with medical costs when you need it. I guess I was wrong. It's for helping with medical costs when someone else thinks it is worth it and as long as it isn't too serious, too risky or costs too much money!!!! Silly me!!!
So instead of putting my money into this dreadful economy and trying to help turn it around, because let's be honest I don't see it being successful anytime soon and it seems too risky to me, I am choosing that America's disability is not my cause today. Because contrary to the belief of the people in charge of this country (which is supposed to be the people, but isn't), I am not made out of money and after contributing to the disability of everyone else with the taxes that they take out of my paycheck, I can't afford my own, here!
Sincerely,
Taking my business elsewhere!
Anyone who has done or planned to do an IVF cycle knows how expensive it is. We got a preliminary report about how much the procedure would cost. Then we got a list of medications. My nurse told me to call my insurance company and find out what, if any, coverage I had for those medicines. She told me how important it was to tell them that I was taking the medications in conjunction with an IVF cycle. Because of my low AMH, I have to have the highest medication protocol they have. So of course that means that the meds are going to cost more because I need more of them.
So I called the pharmaceutical side of my insurance company. (Side Note: There are two separate parts of my insurance company: the Medical part and the Pharmaceutical part. You will see that they apparently don't talk to each other) When I talked to the first representative, I told her that I was doing an IVF cycle and I needed to know how much my medicines were going to cost. I repeated to her that I was needing these medications so that I could become pregnant with the assistance of doctors. For a third time, I told her that my husband and I could not have children on our own and needed the assistance of some really smart people. We went through the list together and she gave me a co-pay amount for each medication. The total? Drum roll please (imagine it)! Less than $500. That was for 8 IVF medications. I couldn't believe it! I was sitting in my office and my jaw dropped to my desk. I was speechless. I asked her if she was positive that she was right. I reminded her that I was doing IVF and she said I know but that's what it says your co-pay is. We hung up and I called my nurse. She was just as excited as me. But being the pessimistic and cautious person that I am, I had to call the insurance company back. I called the medical side this time. I knew that I only had coverage up to diagnosis, but nothing for IVF or medications. So I wanted some clarification. The representative told me that I didn't have coverage for meds. I told her what the lady on the pharm. side said. She said "Well if that's what she told you then that's what it will be." My heart fell onto my desk, instead of my jaw. But that still wasn't enough for me. I called the pharm side back. Knowing I would get a different representative, I decided that I would trust the total if she told me the same thing. Well she didn't tell me the same thing. IT WAS CHEAPER!!! Ok this time, I fell onto my desk!
Well you know how they say "if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't right?" Well, it was too good to be true. My doctor sent the script to the pharmacy, they ran it through my insurance, and called me and said my bill was $6,300. I fell out onto my desk again. Totally skipped the jaw and the heart drop. The whole body, just collapsed. I asked them why they didn't run it through my insurance. She told me that they did but that insurance denied the claim. She followed that up with "will you be paying with credit or debit?" I wanted to say "Monopoly money," but I didn't. I told her that I wouldn't be paying for anything right now. Throughout the next week, after many phone calls to and from the pharmacy and insurance company (every call, by the way, the representative gave me wrong information or they said that my concerns weren't their department and transferred me. One lady pretended that she couldn't use her computer and hung up on me) we determined that I had no coverage for 4 of the 8 medications. 4 of the meds were covered because they were meds that are not associated with infertility. The other 4 were still going to cost close to $6,000. Still going to have to use Monopoly money for that!
So I was super excited that we had support group that week. I needed some advice from my sista infertiles and needed to just let off some frustration. Well it just so happened that we had a newcomer. She told me about a pharmacy in the UK that she was buying her meds from. They ship them here and they are ridiculously cheaper. So I rushed home and looked them up. OMG after checking out the site, I determined that my meds would cost less than $2500. The most expensive medicine that I need costs $72 a vial here in the US. I need 66 vials. In the UK, it costs $29 a vial. Of course I didn't trust it. So I checked the pharmacy and their meds out the best I could. The pharmacy is totally legit. The medicines? It is the exact same medicine that I would have gotten from the pharmacy here. I went to the pharmaceutical manufacturers website and discovered that the medicine that I would have received from the USA pharmacy, comes from overseas to begin with. So ladies and gentlemen, that's what we call the American mark-up! Sorry, it really chaps my tiny hiny that the EXACT same medicine is $43 more here. And to make me feel better, my insurance company told me that if Kevin and I were using the medications to try to get pregnant on our own at home (not with IVF), they would cover them and it would have cost the original $500.
So my America, that I truly feel privileged to be a citizen of, just told me that it's my problem, not theirs, that I was sick as a child and as a result can't have babies, the almighty dollar is more important than the hard working people, and we would prefer you to do your business elsewhere. But what is our problem, and therefore your problem as a working person who pays taxes, is paying the rent and grocery bill of people who decide they don't feel like working anymore and doctor shop until they find someone to say they are bi-polar because they lose their temper when they get too drunk everyday. After all, they have a disability.
Well that is interesting, because under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) infertility is a disability. So why is my disability different? Because it costs too much money! After the Supreme Court made up some crap about excluding an entire group of people from insurance benefits doesn't qualify as discrimination, the American insurance companies can legally discriminate against infertiles who need IVF. So because it is too risky and not a guarantee that IVF will result in a pregnancy, insurance companies don't pay.
Now please don't misunderstand me. I don't think that the American government should pay for my procedure and medication, or send me a monthly check for my disability. I don't want that because I am completely capable of working and making my living. And I am not saying that everyone who receives a disability check is not completely deserving of it. But let's be completely honest, most people receiving a disability check are abusing the system. People who really CAN'T (this is different from WON'T) make their living because of their disability are unable to get assistance because we are paying too many people whose "disability" is laziness or stupidity. I am saying that I don't think that insurance companies should be able to pick and choose whose disability is worth giving coverage to and whose isn't. We pay the same premiums as everyone else. I thought the point of insurance was to help with medical costs when you need it. I guess I was wrong. It's for helping with medical costs when someone else thinks it is worth it and as long as it isn't too serious, too risky or costs too much money!!!! Silly me!!!
So instead of putting my money into this dreadful economy and trying to help turn it around, because let's be honest I don't see it being successful anytime soon and it seems too risky to me, I am choosing that America's disability is not my cause today. Because contrary to the belief of the people in charge of this country (which is supposed to be the people, but isn't), I am not made out of money and after contributing to the disability of everyone else with the taxes that they take out of my paycheck, I can't afford my own, here!
Sincerely,
Taking my business elsewhere!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
All the doctor's nurses, doctors, and sperm analyzing men, may be able to put Hump-D together again.
Hump-D Dump-T sat in an ovary....Well you know the rest of that story. Hump-D fell and broke! Well just like anything else in my life, my Hump-D is special!!! Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about my ovary!!!!! The eggs in my ovaries broke at the thought of falling!
As many of you know, I had a terrible AMH score in September of 2012. When we went to our first RE appointment , we discovered that my AMH was .76. The doctor wanted it to be and really was expecting it to be a 2.0 or higher. Dr. D told us that it was POSSIBLE for the score to go down as much as half in one year. That would have made our chance of a successful pregnancy and live birth almost impossible. So Kevin and I decided that we would wait until July 2013, have my AMH retested, and make a final decision from there.
I went to the doctor's office on July 19 to have my blood drawn so it could be retested. The results of that test will determine the course of action. It will tell us if Hump-D is scrambled or sunny side up with a thumbs up. We had an appointment set for July 31 to get the results. But my phone rang while I was at work on Friday July 26. I saw it was Dr. D's office and literally could not breathe for a minute. Interestingly enough, I debated about whether to answer the phone or let it go to voicemail. Seriously? (Side note: The last time I got the score, I had missed the call and the nurse left a voicemail. I listened to it on the way home from work and was totally unprepared for the .76 that came out of her mouth. Luckily, I was really close to home. That meant I didn't have to auto-pilot for too long. I had started crying uncontrollably and couldn't see as a result.) So I decided that sitting in my office, where I could shut the door and sob safely and privately, was the best option at that time.
I had pretty much decided that it was going to be bad. I had a weird feeling/understanding that whatever this number was it would make a clear cut decision for us. But if you look at the .76 score, along with all of the information that I had learned since September, that pessimistic feeling makes sense. For Dr. D's clinic, there was a 41% success rate for an AMH of .76. Now that isn't broken down for age groups, that is for the clinic as a whole. The average age for an AMH of .80-1.0 is 35.5. So our chances would have been a tick better since I am only 29, but not much. So if my AMH went down, that would have put us in the .20-.70 range where the average age is 37.7 years old and success rates plummet to 14%. Again, my age would have likely cause us to have a little bit of a better success rate percentage, but not much. If it went up, it could keep us in the same success percentage or make it better.
Focus ADD. Sorry, saw something shiny and got distracted. Back to Dr. D's office calling me at work. I decided to answer the phone. It was the nurse saying "I have your AMH results!" I tried to analyze her voice because that's what I do, analyze EVERYTHING!!!!! The best thing she could have done was just spit it out. That's exactly what she did, so fast that I almost missed it. DRUM ROLL PLEASE (imagine the drum roll because I don't know how to spell that). My AMH score went up to 1.04!!!!!!! Wooo Hooooo! Not a huge increase, but it increased! So I asked her what that meant about our success rate. She gave me an age/AMH specific success rate of 55-57%. It may not sound great to you. But if you have mulled over 41% for the past year, 55-57% is AWESOME!!!! So we got off of the phone and I started bawling. SKKKUUURRRR! Crying? Why? That was good news. Is crazy lady back? Why do we cry when we get good news?
So I tried to get a grip and call Kevin. Of course, he didn't answer the phone. He didn't answer the phone when I passed the Bar Exam either. (No, I haven't forgotten) I tried to call my mom, she didn't answer. She didn't answer the phone when I passed the Bar Exam either. So I called one of my co-workers who was just a hallway away. Ironically, she is the one who answered the phone at the DA's office after I found out I passed the Bar Exam. But I digress!!! She came into my office and celebrated the good news with me and helped me stop crying. BTW she is a fellow infertile, so she got it.
Finally (about 10 minutes later), Kevin called me back. (I ended up having to forgive him for not answering the phone when I found out that he physically couldn't answer. He had locked his phone in the car and locked himself out of the car. Poor Punkin.)
So in January of this year, Kevin and I decided that if our score went down by July we would either adopt embryos or adopt an already living child. If the score stayed the same or went up, we would try an IVF cycle. Well this past Wednesday we met with Dr. D and discussed our options. We found out that there was about a 50-60% percent chance for a successful live birth on a fresh cycle and about 50% of the time couples with similar age and AMH have embryos to freeze. We talked about how I was doing emotionally and mentally. Understanding that I was emotionally and mentally "SPECIAL" even before infertility, Dr. D was proud of the progress that I had made in the past few months.
We discussed money, specifically how much an IVF cycle (excluding medications) would cost. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF, so it will all be paid out of pocket. Just for the medical procedures leading up to IVF, the retrieval, fertilization, transfer and ultrasounds after the transfer it is a large 4 digit number that is not quite at 5 digits. Then we found out that he would put me on the highest medication protocol that they have because of my low AMH score. That means that our medication costs will be greater. The number that we heard, without insurance coverage, was $5,000-$6,500! BAHAHAHAHAHA. Can I throw up now. No one can give us a certain number because we won't know how much medication I'll actually need until we are in the cycle and monitoring how my body is responding.
Wrap it up, Katy. So what's the big decision?
KEVIN AND I ARE DOING AN IVF CYCLE STARTING IN OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!
We are thinking positive thoughts and trying to keep crazy lady at bay for right now. I will, as always, keep you posted as things happen! So we'll see if we can re-write that old nursery rhyme to say:
All the doctor's nurses, doctors, and sperm analyzing men, may be able to put Hump-D together again.
As many of you know, I had a terrible AMH score in September of 2012. When we went to our first RE appointment , we discovered that my AMH was .76. The doctor wanted it to be and really was expecting it to be a 2.0 or higher. Dr. D told us that it was POSSIBLE for the score to go down as much as half in one year. That would have made our chance of a successful pregnancy and live birth almost impossible. So Kevin and I decided that we would wait until July 2013, have my AMH retested, and make a final decision from there.
I went to the doctor's office on July 19 to have my blood drawn so it could be retested. The results of that test will determine the course of action. It will tell us if Hump-D is scrambled or sunny side up with a thumbs up. We had an appointment set for July 31 to get the results. But my phone rang while I was at work on Friday July 26. I saw it was Dr. D's office and literally could not breathe for a minute. Interestingly enough, I debated about whether to answer the phone or let it go to voicemail. Seriously? (Side note: The last time I got the score, I had missed the call and the nurse left a voicemail. I listened to it on the way home from work and was totally unprepared for the .76 that came out of her mouth. Luckily, I was really close to home. That meant I didn't have to auto-pilot for too long. I had started crying uncontrollably and couldn't see as a result.) So I decided that sitting in my office, where I could shut the door and sob safely and privately, was the best option at that time.
I had pretty much decided that it was going to be bad. I had a weird feeling/understanding that whatever this number was it would make a clear cut decision for us. But if you look at the .76 score, along with all of the information that I had learned since September, that pessimistic feeling makes sense. For Dr. D's clinic, there was a 41% success rate for an AMH of .76. Now that isn't broken down for age groups, that is for the clinic as a whole. The average age for an AMH of .80-1.0 is 35.5. So our chances would have been a tick better since I am only 29, but not much. So if my AMH went down, that would have put us in the .20-.70 range where the average age is 37.7 years old and success rates plummet to 14%. Again, my age would have likely cause us to have a little bit of a better success rate percentage, but not much. If it went up, it could keep us in the same success percentage or make it better.
Focus ADD. Sorry, saw something shiny and got distracted. Back to Dr. D's office calling me at work. I decided to answer the phone. It was the nurse saying "I have your AMH results!" I tried to analyze her voice because that's what I do, analyze EVERYTHING!!!!! The best thing she could have done was just spit it out. That's exactly what she did, so fast that I almost missed it. DRUM ROLL PLEASE (imagine the drum roll because I don't know how to spell that). My AMH score went up to 1.04!!!!!!! Wooo Hooooo! Not a huge increase, but it increased! So I asked her what that meant about our success rate. She gave me an age/AMH specific success rate of 55-57%. It may not sound great to you. But if you have mulled over 41% for the past year, 55-57% is AWESOME!!!! So we got off of the phone and I started bawling. SKKKUUURRRR! Crying? Why? That was good news. Is crazy lady back? Why do we cry when we get good news?
So I tried to get a grip and call Kevin. Of course, he didn't answer the phone. He didn't answer the phone when I passed the Bar Exam either. (No, I haven't forgotten) I tried to call my mom, she didn't answer. She didn't answer the phone when I passed the Bar Exam either. So I called one of my co-workers who was just a hallway away. Ironically, she is the one who answered the phone at the DA's office after I found out I passed the Bar Exam. But I digress!!! She came into my office and celebrated the good news with me and helped me stop crying. BTW she is a fellow infertile, so she got it.
Finally (about 10 minutes later), Kevin called me back. (I ended up having to forgive him for not answering the phone when I found out that he physically couldn't answer. He had locked his phone in the car and locked himself out of the car. Poor Punkin.)
So in January of this year, Kevin and I decided that if our score went down by July we would either adopt embryos or adopt an already living child. If the score stayed the same or went up, we would try an IVF cycle. Well this past Wednesday we met with Dr. D and discussed our options. We found out that there was about a 50-60% percent chance for a successful live birth on a fresh cycle and about 50% of the time couples with similar age and AMH have embryos to freeze. We talked about how I was doing emotionally and mentally. Understanding that I was emotionally and mentally "SPECIAL" even before infertility, Dr. D was proud of the progress that I had made in the past few months.
We discussed money, specifically how much an IVF cycle (excluding medications) would cost. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF, so it will all be paid out of pocket. Just for the medical procedures leading up to IVF, the retrieval, fertilization, transfer and ultrasounds after the transfer it is a large 4 digit number that is not quite at 5 digits. Then we found out that he would put me on the highest medication protocol that they have because of my low AMH score. That means that our medication costs will be greater. The number that we heard, without insurance coverage, was $5,000-$6,500! BAHAHAHAHAHA. Can I throw up now. No one can give us a certain number because we won't know how much medication I'll actually need until we are in the cycle and monitoring how my body is responding.
Wrap it up, Katy. So what's the big decision?
KEVIN AND I ARE DOING AN IVF CYCLE STARTING IN OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!
We are thinking positive thoughts and trying to keep crazy lady at bay for right now. I will, as always, keep you posted as things happen! So we'll see if we can re-write that old nursery rhyme to say:
All the doctor's nurses, doctors, and sperm analyzing men, may be able to put Hump-D together again.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Happy Birthday to me: 29 and holding 'cause my ovaries can't get any older!
So yesterday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old! Woo hooo, right? Yes, and No! I spent a large part of my day reading Happy Birthday wishes from wonderful friends. I came home to my amazing husband, who had made me a traditional Margarita, grilled me a delicious steak and spent the evening talking to me.
Unfortunately, I spent a good part of the day thinking about my infertility and the effects this birthday has on it.
First, I thought about a fellow infertile who was blessed with a beautiful baby girl July 9, 2012. I share a birthday with a miracle baby! I call her puddle, because I melt like a puddle every time I hold her and she buries her head in my neck! I thought so much about how happy I am to have both of them in my life.
Second, I thought about my doctors appointments I have scheduled in the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to have done my IVF cycle before I turned 29 because I have the ovaries of a 40 year old. I finally called Dr. D to schedule an appointment to have my AMH retested and plan according to the results. I finally got the courage. I have learned that when I am really scared, I procrastinate something terrible. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? UHH....WRONG!!!!! The silliest thing about that mentality is that procrastination only makes me keep thinking about it! But does that make sense when I'm avoiding something I don't want to face? ha! I just can't help thinking that I may have missed my chance. Even though I know that is a possibility, it is just so much worse thinking Dr. D might say it out loud. That makes it more real!
Finally, I thought about my 29 years. I thought about the fact that I will be the big 3.0. next year! I can remember when I was a little girl and 30 seemed ancient to me! It sounded sooooo old! Now, that is me! But thinking about that little girl made me think about the things she dreamt about! Then I thought about the things I wanted to have done by this time in my life. I wanted to go to school and have a successful career. For whatever reason, I wanted to jump out of an airplane! That is hilarious to me! I wanted to meet the man of my dreams, prince charming, my knight in shining armour (and hope they came all in one man). I wanted to start a family. Have a family as big as I wanted. You see I never knew about infertility until I was 16 or 17. I thought you decided how many kids you wanted to have and that's what you had. I didn't know that it was so scientific and so impossible for some! Well I went to school for half of my life. I have a wonderful job and a career that is on track to be very successful! I smartened up and decided that jumping out of an airplane was not a good part of my dream and I edited that out. I found my dream man who came with a side of prince charming and knight in shining armour!
So why can't I finish that dream??????!!!!!!
I am soooo happy for every birthday that God blesses me with! I can't help thinking about what that means for my infertility though. I can't help but think about the fact that one more year means that many more eggs (potential embryos) are gone. I can't help but think that as my age goes up, my percentage for a successful and safe pregnancy plummets. I can't help but think that I will be alone if my husband dies before me because I don't have any children. I can't help but see the dream turning into a nightmare! Something I wish I could stop with a pinch of my arm.
I read on the RESOLVE website that grieving during infertility is comparable to grieving for the death of a loved one. But it is unique in that it is reoccurring. When you lose a loved one, you only lose them once. Yes, you still think about them and grieve for them. I'm not discounting that grief! But infertility constantly renews itself. Every BFN is a new loss. Every test that says "you're reproductively stupid," is a new loss. Every time someone asks you "when are you guys going to have little ones" or advises if you stand on your head, put one leg to the side, and say your ABCs backwards,, you'll get pregnant; is a new loss! Just like the death of a loved one, I think about my infertility every day and will continue to think about it everyday for the rest of my life. I just pray that one day I will think of it in the sense that I beat infertility!
Sorry for the down tone tonight. But I'm just mixed up! I've gone from Crazy lady living with my husband to Negative Nancy! I'll let you know what happens at Dr. D's and what the plans will be from here! Have a good day!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately, I spent a good part of the day thinking about my infertility and the effects this birthday has on it.
First, I thought about a fellow infertile who was blessed with a beautiful baby girl July 9, 2012. I share a birthday with a miracle baby! I call her puddle, because I melt like a puddle every time I hold her and she buries her head in my neck! I thought so much about how happy I am to have both of them in my life.
Second, I thought about my doctors appointments I have scheduled in the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to have done my IVF cycle before I turned 29 because I have the ovaries of a 40 year old. I finally called Dr. D to schedule an appointment to have my AMH retested and plan according to the results. I finally got the courage. I have learned that when I am really scared, I procrastinate something terrible. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? UHH....WRONG!!!!! The silliest thing about that mentality is that procrastination only makes me keep thinking about it! But does that make sense when I'm avoiding something I don't want to face? ha! I just can't help thinking that I may have missed my chance. Even though I know that is a possibility, it is just so much worse thinking Dr. D might say it out loud. That makes it more real!
Finally, I thought about my 29 years. I thought about the fact that I will be the big 3.0. next year! I can remember when I was a little girl and 30 seemed ancient to me! It sounded sooooo old! Now, that is me! But thinking about that little girl made me think about the things she dreamt about! Then I thought about the things I wanted to have done by this time in my life. I wanted to go to school and have a successful career. For whatever reason, I wanted to jump out of an airplane! That is hilarious to me! I wanted to meet the man of my dreams, prince charming, my knight in shining armour (and hope they came all in one man). I wanted to start a family. Have a family as big as I wanted. You see I never knew about infertility until I was 16 or 17. I thought you decided how many kids you wanted to have and that's what you had. I didn't know that it was so scientific and so impossible for some! Well I went to school for half of my life. I have a wonderful job and a career that is on track to be very successful! I smartened up and decided that jumping out of an airplane was not a good part of my dream and I edited that out. I found my dream man who came with a side of prince charming and knight in shining armour!
So why can't I finish that dream??????!!!!!!
I am soooo happy for every birthday that God blesses me with! I can't help thinking about what that means for my infertility though. I can't help but think about the fact that one more year means that many more eggs (potential embryos) are gone. I can't help but think that as my age goes up, my percentage for a successful and safe pregnancy plummets. I can't help but think that I will be alone if my husband dies before me because I don't have any children. I can't help but see the dream turning into a nightmare! Something I wish I could stop with a pinch of my arm.
I read on the RESOLVE website that grieving during infertility is comparable to grieving for the death of a loved one. But it is unique in that it is reoccurring. When you lose a loved one, you only lose them once. Yes, you still think about them and grieve for them. I'm not discounting that grief! But infertility constantly renews itself. Every BFN is a new loss. Every test that says "you're reproductively stupid," is a new loss. Every time someone asks you "when are you guys going to have little ones" or advises if you stand on your head, put one leg to the side, and say your ABCs backwards,, you'll get pregnant; is a new loss! Just like the death of a loved one, I think about my infertility every day and will continue to think about it everyday for the rest of my life. I just pray that one day I will think of it in the sense that I beat infertility!
Sorry for the down tone tonight. But I'm just mixed up! I've gone from Crazy lady living with my husband to Negative Nancy! I'll let you know what happens at Dr. D's and what the plans will be from here! Have a good day!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 20, 2013
Mother's May funk ending with a tragic twist!
So I am in a serious funk! I have been here for about 2 or 3 weeks now! It started about 1 week before Mother's Day (MD). The dreaded day that always sucks. It doesn't matter how hard I try to ignore it, or concentrate on celebrating my mother and mother-in-law. But for what ever reason, MD isn't just one day for me. It seems to last about 2-3 weeks, or the entire month of May.
I generally spend the entire week leading up to MD, dreading it. There are countless advertisements and sales saying "celebrate mom" or "tell her how much she means to you," etc. If I go out shopping during that week I risk being told Happy MD. If I go to the card aisle in any store, I have to be equipped with a box of tissues. It is not uncommon for me to walk out of the store sobbing. It generally takes multiple trips to the card aisle before I can actually pick out a card because I usually can't hold the tears back long enough to actually find THE card. I spend the actual day crying and trying to ignore/avoid it, which ironically causes me to concentrate more on it. It really is amazing that I don't get dehydrated because of all of the water I lose from crying. Just kidding. Then I spend the entire next week or two trying to get over it or come to terms with it. If either of those is possible.
I have very mixed emotions about the holiday. I don't want to take away for the women who are mothers, especially my own. But at the same time, I want people to understand that some women, despite how hard they try, can't be mothers. I also want to stay in the bed and sleep the entire day away. I can't do that though. I want to stay in the house and have as little contact with people as possible. But I want to make sure that my mom knows how much I love her. I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered by my emotions.
Yesterday, I found myself watching the show "The Waltons." Mary Ellen and Jonesey were getting married. After the wedding they went on their honeymoon like most couples. They went camping. Not something this city girl would have chosen, but it looked romantic on the tv. My kind of camping is hooking an RV to a camp site and waking up in a bed to the smell of fresh coffee. They were sleeping in a bag, on the ground, with no tent. Romantic! Of course the tv doesn't show all of the dirt, bugs, and wild animals that go along with that type of camping. I know, I know, Katy what is the point. The two newly weds were planning their life together. They were talking about all of the children they were going to have, what the children were going to look like, and what they were going to name them. Of course at that moment, the tears flowed. All I wanted to do was SCREAM at the tv and tell them what fools they were. I wanted to tell them that they could make all the plans in the world, dream all they wanted, but don't get your hopes up. Then I thought who is this person in my head, in my heart. CRAZY LADY! She's baaaaaccckkkk.
Naturally, I wanted to change the channel as fast as I could. But for whatever reason I didn't. Kevin thinks we (women) like torturing ourselves with emotionally charged crap! Who knows, maybe we do! We are pretty crazy. Anyway. The next morning Mary Ellen went somewhere in their truck (I was still telling them what idiots they were for making these plans so I missed where she was going). She saw a deer in the road, over corrected, and drove off of the mountain. Doctors said she was going to live, but that she had complications in other areas of her body that they didn't expect. A few minutes later the dr came into Mary Ellen's room. She was joking with him about her scar being too long and he didn't crack a smile. At that moment, I realized where we were going. He is getting ready to tell her that she can't have children anymore. Now, I am intrigued. And to be honest, Crazy lady did say "I told you so!" I can hear you saying "this girl is so weird." But if you have ever been a party to that very same conversation, you understand what I am talking about. The Dr. told her that she had a tear in her uterus that was causing her to bleed internally. They stitched it up but she wouldn't be able to have children because the chance of her dying was much too great. My feelings at that moment completely changed. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that it was going to be ok. It'll suck, but it's going to be ok!
When she got out of the hospital, she came home to a pregnant sister-in-law. oooooooo. I just wanted to protect her. Jonesey hadn't been told yet, so he kept trying to "continue the honeymoon." Wink wink. Mary Ellen kept pulling away. He bought her a sheer robe for MD! ugggghhhhh!! Then sister-in-law had the baby. Jonesey started talking about having twins. OMG WHEN WILL IT END PEOPLE!!!!! Stop torturing this woman!!! Then everyone is asking her to see the baby. She breaks the news to her father first, and then wishes her mother were there. Oh the irony! The one word that makes us cringe when someone else says it. But when something goes wrong, that's the one word we want to say.
Dad says she has to tell Jonesey because it isn't fair to him. She says "is it fair to him that he's married to a woman that can't give him the children that he wants." WHOAAAA!!! Familiar words! When she tells Jonesey she says "it isn't your fault, it's me!" IT'S MY FAULT! Jonesey does what any good husband would do, grabs her and holds on tight! He doesn't tell her that she is being crazy, even though that's exactly what's happening. He tells her that he is happy with just her and that all that matters is that she is alive and ok. Her response was basically that she understands if he wants to leave and marry someone else who can give him children.. This entire show is infertility in a nutshell.
Then some stupid woman, a fellow infertile, tells Mary Ellen that an adoption agency wouldn't give her a child because she is previously divorced. Someone help her! I think Mary Ellen did a great job not punching her in the face.
That's where I had to stop. I had to leave to go bowl. I'm very curious how it ends. I'll let you know.
Back to reality: I was telling Jenni the other day that a couple of days after MD I was in the grocery store. This is the same grocery store I ALWAYS shop at. I know all of the clerks, stock boys, baggers, etc. I saw one of the guys that I always talk to when I go in there and he said hello. He immediately followed up with "how was your mother's day?" Immediately I thought "have you ever seen me come in here with a child?" "Do you think my husband and I leave our child at home every time we come to the grocery store?" " Are you kidding me, did you seriously just ask me that?" At that moment, I had a choice to make. I had to choose between lying and telling him it was great just so that I didn't have to talk about it anymore, or choose to blow him out of the water and tell him that I am infertile and that I think it is totally insensitive of him to ask me how my freakin' mother's day was. Well I didn't exactly do either of those. I said it was terrible and kept walking. When I got to that same end cap on the other aisle, he said "why was your MD terrible?" Again, another choice to make. I said "because I don't have children and I can't have children." The look on his face made me feel terrible for making that choice. But I have now decided that because of the conversation that then ensued, he won't ask that question so quickly next time.
I think I might get a shirt made for next year. One that says something like "Please don't wish me a happy Mother's Day. I am Infertile!" Not very original, but I think it will get the job done!
But it is days like today that make me even worse. The tragedy in Oklahoma just makes me think even more about whether God is actually sparing me! I can't imagine the broken hearts of those mothers and fathers of the children killed in the tornado! I can't begin to process how it feels to get the news that you're never going to see your child again. But maybe I can in a way. I know for sure that some of my friends who have experienced miscarriages can relate. I know how my heart broke when Jenni and Jonathan told me about their second miscarriage. Personally, I have dreamed of being a mother all of my life. I was born being a mother. People tell me that from the time my sister was born I acted like her mother. I was the same way with my friends in school. I have imagined my children's faces. I planned how many we would have and what their names would be. And I have been told that I may never see my child. They may not be anything but a figment of my imagination. So we (infertiles) do know the pain these parents are feeling. The only difference is that we have never met our babies. My heart is absolutely breaking for them.
So tonight, there is no difference or distinction between mothers and infertiles. The pain is all the same tonight! I pray that these mothers and fathers are reminded that God loves them and God will take care of them. God will mend the broken pieces and make his will shine through this terrible tragedy. I pray that mothers and fathers who are lucky enough to tuck their babies into bed tonight, cherish every second with that child. I pray that my fellow infertiles and myself can open our hearts and try to understand that we aren't the only ones hurting for our children that we may never see. I pray that we will all know and search for the love and grace of our God who has such amazing mercy on us, even though in our human minds it doesn't always seem like mercy!
I know this is a compilation of ramblings. I just had too much to say! God bless you tonight and always!
I generally spend the entire week leading up to MD, dreading it. There are countless advertisements and sales saying "celebrate mom" or "tell her how much she means to you," etc. If I go out shopping during that week I risk being told Happy MD. If I go to the card aisle in any store, I have to be equipped with a box of tissues. It is not uncommon for me to walk out of the store sobbing. It generally takes multiple trips to the card aisle before I can actually pick out a card because I usually can't hold the tears back long enough to actually find THE card. I spend the actual day crying and trying to ignore/avoid it, which ironically causes me to concentrate more on it. It really is amazing that I don't get dehydrated because of all of the water I lose from crying. Just kidding. Then I spend the entire next week or two trying to get over it or come to terms with it. If either of those is possible.
I have very mixed emotions about the holiday. I don't want to take away for the women who are mothers, especially my own. But at the same time, I want people to understand that some women, despite how hard they try, can't be mothers. I also want to stay in the bed and sleep the entire day away. I can't do that though. I want to stay in the house and have as little contact with people as possible. But I want to make sure that my mom knows how much I love her. I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered by my emotions.
Yesterday, I found myself watching the show "The Waltons." Mary Ellen and Jonesey were getting married. After the wedding they went on their honeymoon like most couples. They went camping. Not something this city girl would have chosen, but it looked romantic on the tv. My kind of camping is hooking an RV to a camp site and waking up in a bed to the smell of fresh coffee. They were sleeping in a bag, on the ground, with no tent. Romantic! Of course the tv doesn't show all of the dirt, bugs, and wild animals that go along with that type of camping. I know, I know, Katy what is the point. The two newly weds were planning their life together. They were talking about all of the children they were going to have, what the children were going to look like, and what they were going to name them. Of course at that moment, the tears flowed. All I wanted to do was SCREAM at the tv and tell them what fools they were. I wanted to tell them that they could make all the plans in the world, dream all they wanted, but don't get your hopes up. Then I thought who is this person in my head, in my heart. CRAZY LADY! She's baaaaaccckkkk.
Naturally, I wanted to change the channel as fast as I could. But for whatever reason I didn't. Kevin thinks we (women) like torturing ourselves with emotionally charged crap! Who knows, maybe we do! We are pretty crazy. Anyway. The next morning Mary Ellen went somewhere in their truck (I was still telling them what idiots they were for making these plans so I missed where she was going). She saw a deer in the road, over corrected, and drove off of the mountain. Doctors said she was going to live, but that she had complications in other areas of her body that they didn't expect. A few minutes later the dr came into Mary Ellen's room. She was joking with him about her scar being too long and he didn't crack a smile. At that moment, I realized where we were going. He is getting ready to tell her that she can't have children anymore. Now, I am intrigued. And to be honest, Crazy lady did say "I told you so!" I can hear you saying "this girl is so weird." But if you have ever been a party to that very same conversation, you understand what I am talking about. The Dr. told her that she had a tear in her uterus that was causing her to bleed internally. They stitched it up but she wouldn't be able to have children because the chance of her dying was much too great. My feelings at that moment completely changed. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that it was going to be ok. It'll suck, but it's going to be ok!
When she got out of the hospital, she came home to a pregnant sister-in-law. oooooooo. I just wanted to protect her. Jonesey hadn't been told yet, so he kept trying to "continue the honeymoon." Wink wink. Mary Ellen kept pulling away. He bought her a sheer robe for MD! ugggghhhhh!! Then sister-in-law had the baby. Jonesey started talking about having twins. OMG WHEN WILL IT END PEOPLE!!!!! Stop torturing this woman!!! Then everyone is asking her to see the baby. She breaks the news to her father first, and then wishes her mother were there. Oh the irony! The one word that makes us cringe when someone else says it. But when something goes wrong, that's the one word we want to say.
Dad says she has to tell Jonesey because it isn't fair to him. She says "is it fair to him that he's married to a woman that can't give him the children that he wants." WHOAAAA!!! Familiar words! When she tells Jonesey she says "it isn't your fault, it's me!" IT'S MY FAULT! Jonesey does what any good husband would do, grabs her and holds on tight! He doesn't tell her that she is being crazy, even though that's exactly what's happening. He tells her that he is happy with just her and that all that matters is that she is alive and ok. Her response was basically that she understands if he wants to leave and marry someone else who can give him children.. This entire show is infertility in a nutshell.
Then some stupid woman, a fellow infertile, tells Mary Ellen that an adoption agency wouldn't give her a child because she is previously divorced. Someone help her! I think Mary Ellen did a great job not punching her in the face.
That's where I had to stop. I had to leave to go bowl. I'm very curious how it ends. I'll let you know.
Back to reality: I was telling Jenni the other day that a couple of days after MD I was in the grocery store. This is the same grocery store I ALWAYS shop at. I know all of the clerks, stock boys, baggers, etc. I saw one of the guys that I always talk to when I go in there and he said hello. He immediately followed up with "how was your mother's day?" Immediately I thought "have you ever seen me come in here with a child?" "Do you think my husband and I leave our child at home every time we come to the grocery store?" " Are you kidding me, did you seriously just ask me that?" At that moment, I had a choice to make. I had to choose between lying and telling him it was great just so that I didn't have to talk about it anymore, or choose to blow him out of the water and tell him that I am infertile and that I think it is totally insensitive of him to ask me how my freakin' mother's day was. Well I didn't exactly do either of those. I said it was terrible and kept walking. When I got to that same end cap on the other aisle, he said "why was your MD terrible?" Again, another choice to make. I said "because I don't have children and I can't have children." The look on his face made me feel terrible for making that choice. But I have now decided that because of the conversation that then ensued, he won't ask that question so quickly next time.
I think I might get a shirt made for next year. One that says something like "Please don't wish me a happy Mother's Day. I am Infertile!" Not very original, but I think it will get the job done!
But it is days like today that make me even worse. The tragedy in Oklahoma just makes me think even more about whether God is actually sparing me! I can't imagine the broken hearts of those mothers and fathers of the children killed in the tornado! I can't begin to process how it feels to get the news that you're never going to see your child again. But maybe I can in a way. I know for sure that some of my friends who have experienced miscarriages can relate. I know how my heart broke when Jenni and Jonathan told me about their second miscarriage. Personally, I have dreamed of being a mother all of my life. I was born being a mother. People tell me that from the time my sister was born I acted like her mother. I was the same way with my friends in school. I have imagined my children's faces. I planned how many we would have and what their names would be. And I have been told that I may never see my child. They may not be anything but a figment of my imagination. So we (infertiles) do know the pain these parents are feeling. The only difference is that we have never met our babies. My heart is absolutely breaking for them.
So tonight, there is no difference or distinction between mothers and infertiles. The pain is all the same tonight! I pray that these mothers and fathers are reminded that God loves them and God will take care of them. God will mend the broken pieces and make his will shine through this terrible tragedy. I pray that mothers and fathers who are lucky enough to tuck their babies into bed tonight, cherish every second with that child. I pray that my fellow infertiles and myself can open our hearts and try to understand that we aren't the only ones hurting for our children that we may never see. I pray that we will all know and search for the love and grace of our God who has such amazing mercy on us, even though in our human minds it doesn't always seem like mercy!
I know this is a compilation of ramblings. I just had too much to say! God bless you tonight and always!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
It's kinda like a good push-up bra!!!!
Well howdy y'all! Yeah I know that was a sad attempt to be the country girl that my husband tells me that I'm not.
So I am SUPER excited to announce Unconceivably Blessed and I are starting a Peer Led Support Group here in our county. There isn't one specific to women for general infertility in any of the surrounding counties. It is actually kind of sad if you think about it. So many women have to be afflicted with this disease and no where to turn.
We had a dinner with some great gals who share this affliction a couple of weeks ago. It was AWESOME!!! We met at 6:30 for pizza. At 9:00, the wait staff were subtly locking the doors and checking their watches. It felt like we had just gotten there. These ladies were so diverse and yet we had so much in common. I told my husband that I felt normal, like I was with "my peeps." Finally, people who could listen to my words, understand them, and relate to them.
To be honest, I was quite nervous before I got there. But as soon as I walked in, I was at ease. By the end of the night, we were having a ball. I walked out of there with such relief and certainty that I was going to be ok. The bad day that I had was no longer the only thing I could concentrate on. It didn't hurt either that my wonderfully handsome husband had a cheesecake waiting for me when I got home!
It just goes to show that your support system is sooooo important! It really is like a good quality push-up bra. Without it (depending on the specifics of the bosom) gravity/infertility just pulls you down. It just...keeps...PULLING!!! Until after long enough, you are so low that there is no coming back from that!!! BUT THERE IS HOPE!!! But a good push-up bra/support system, for the most part, keep you perky and able to see the cup more than half full! pun intended!
Clarification: It doesn't have to be a push-up bra. A regular bra will do. I just specify a push-up bra because, well, bless my poor little heart. Now that I think about it, gravity couldn't hurt me too much. Might make 'em more, there!! But I digress.
So I can't wait to have our first official support group meeting. I truly feel called to this!! I believe very strongly that God has something REALLY awesome for me involving advocating for infertility and the people tortured by it! Not only do I just feel it, but I had a revelation the other day.
Revelation: I found out in September that I was infertile because of a blockage in both of my tubes. But I also found out that my ovaries are comparable to those of a 40 year old. I have few eggs and the ones I do have are of poor quality. So the revelation I had, 6 months after diagnosis, is that I was born infertile. The blockage in my tubes was caused after an emergency appendectomy and infection (when I was 9), terrible trauma to my then little body. So as far as we know, I was born with perfectly normal fallopian tubes. But my eggs were there when I was born; and destined to be bad then. I have just now come to that realization. So the tubal infertility was just a bonus. Ha. I don't know why, but this makes me believe even more that I have some purpose.
So if you are in or around the neighborhood (Rockingham, Guilford, Alamance, Caswell, Stokes) we invite you to our support group! Let me know if you'd like to come and I'll get you the information. If you aren't in or around the neighborhood, seek out a support group in your area or start your own if there isn't one. It really makes a huge difference in your journey when you have the proper support of a good quality push-up bra! Stay perky!!!
So I am SUPER excited to announce Unconceivably Blessed and I are starting a Peer Led Support Group here in our county. There isn't one specific to women for general infertility in any of the surrounding counties. It is actually kind of sad if you think about it. So many women have to be afflicted with this disease and no where to turn.
We had a dinner with some great gals who share this affliction a couple of weeks ago. It was AWESOME!!! We met at 6:30 for pizza. At 9:00, the wait staff were subtly locking the doors and checking their watches. It felt like we had just gotten there. These ladies were so diverse and yet we had so much in common. I told my husband that I felt normal, like I was with "my peeps." Finally, people who could listen to my words, understand them, and relate to them.
To be honest, I was quite nervous before I got there. But as soon as I walked in, I was at ease. By the end of the night, we were having a ball. I walked out of there with such relief and certainty that I was going to be ok. The bad day that I had was no longer the only thing I could concentrate on. It didn't hurt either that my wonderfully handsome husband had a cheesecake waiting for me when I got home!
It just goes to show that your support system is sooooo important! It really is like a good quality push-up bra. Without it (depending on the specifics of the bosom) gravity/infertility just pulls you down. It just...keeps...PULLING!!! Until after long enough, you are so low that there is no coming back from that!!! BUT THERE IS HOPE!!! But a good push-up bra/support system, for the most part, keep you perky and able to see the cup more than half full! pun intended!
Clarification: It doesn't have to be a push-up bra. A regular bra will do. I just specify a push-up bra because, well, bless my poor little heart. Now that I think about it, gravity couldn't hurt me too much. Might make 'em more, there!! But I digress.
So I can't wait to have our first official support group meeting. I truly feel called to this!! I believe very strongly that God has something REALLY awesome for me involving advocating for infertility and the people tortured by it! Not only do I just feel it, but I had a revelation the other day.
Revelation: I found out in September that I was infertile because of a blockage in both of my tubes. But I also found out that my ovaries are comparable to those of a 40 year old. I have few eggs and the ones I do have are of poor quality. So the revelation I had, 6 months after diagnosis, is that I was born infertile. The blockage in my tubes was caused after an emergency appendectomy and infection (when I was 9), terrible trauma to my then little body. So as far as we know, I was born with perfectly normal fallopian tubes. But my eggs were there when I was born; and destined to be bad then. I have just now come to that realization. So the tubal infertility was just a bonus. Ha. I don't know why, but this makes me believe even more that I have some purpose.
So if you are in or around the neighborhood (Rockingham, Guilford, Alamance, Caswell, Stokes) we invite you to our support group! Let me know if you'd like to come and I'll get you the information. If you aren't in or around the neighborhood, seek out a support group in your area or start your own if there isn't one. It really makes a huge difference in your journey when you have the proper support of a good quality push-up bra! Stay perky!!!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
What they call an infertile….
What they call an infertile….
It’s been another bad day, so I decide to just walk. My world has become
gray, so God and I must talk.
I walk down the street, and a sixteen year old I meet. She wears a sad frown
and holds her head down.
She looks to be pregnant, maybe six months or more. But I don’t think
it’s pleasant, it appears to be a chore.
I want to ask her why she cannot crack a smile. She’s been given a
beautiful gift, not a sentence from a trial.
I continue on my journey, walking aimlessly through town. My world has
gotten blurry; the tears make me feel like I‘ll drown.
I hear a mother yell. Tell her child to “JUST GO PLAY!” While she
checks her phone and email, her blessing walks away.
I want to go and tell her how terrible she is. “Don’t you understand
what you have, you are lucky to be his!”
But I turn and walk away, because I cannot muster the strength. I just
need to find a place to pray to sit and just think.
I was told I couldn’t have a child. What they call an Infertile. But
that has to be a sore mistake, because I’ve dreamt of this for a while!
How can this problem be reconciled? It isn’t something I can fix. The
medical tests have been compiled, and it explains all those negative sticks.
These questions I will have, every day of my life. Have I been a bad person?
Or even worse, a bad wife?
How can I fix this and heal? What kind of pain does he feel? Is he dying
inside but won’t say? Can I be sure that he’ll stay?
Of course ‘cause he’s a great man and he loves me just the same. No matter
what happens today, he doesn’t feel this shame.
Their advice though is killing me. “It will be all in God’s time.” “Just wait ‘till it’s meant to be,” I didn’t
ask for their chime!
My prayers must be broken, because I yell them to the sky. But they
don’t seem to be heard, because I only see one line!
Why is it me you chose, to endure this great pain? Did I do something
wrong? Please let me explain!
Don’t punish me like this, I cannot take this now. What about the girl
who does cocaine, I don’t understand how!
She has three children, who have all been taken away. I am the one
who’s barren and she has another on the way.
The holidays are terrible, the worst that day in May. The one that’s
most unbearable is always Mother’s Day!
I feel like a broken person, this body just won’t work. When it’s like
nothing for other people, I just give them a little smirk.
Will he ever hold her hand? Will he pass his smile to him? Will there
be a father daughter dance when I’ve dress her in lace trim?
There are so many questions, running through my head. Then there’s
everyone’s suggestions, we could just adopt instead!
So I found a dark corner where I could be alone. My eyes filled with tears, and I spoke to God
with a groan.
God what have I done, to deserve all this pain? I’ve tried to live a
good life; I’ve tried not to complain.
You promised to protect me, to be my sword and shield. You said “Be strong. Don’t worry. No weapons
must you wield.”
So why am I hurting so bad? Why do I have so much hate? All I have is mad and sad. That cannot be my fate.
Still wiping my eyes, I hung my head in despair, when I heard a voice
say, “I didn’t promise fair!”
I promised to protect my child, the one who trusts in me. I have shielded you all the while, for you
have a strong enemy.
But you still continue to question, to worry and to doubt, when I’ve
commanded you to be nothing less than devout.
You harp on blessings you don’t have, but forget about the ones you’ve
got. You have my hand, grace, and mercy,
and that alone is a lot.
So get up from your sadness and sorrow, and go out and re-present me.
Do it now, don’t wait for tomorrow and be what I chose you to be.
So do not fear, for I am with you, I will strengthen and help you too. I am the Lord your God, and I will carry you
through.
My plans are flawless and perfect, I have a plan just for you. I
created you for this purpose, a route designed for you two.
So get up from your chains and obsession, and go out and re-present me.
Go teach about your greatest possession
and be what I chose you to be.
So I picked myself up, and I wiped the last tear, “My Lord,” I said “I
will trust and not fear.”
I started toward my home, walking back the way I came, when I saw that
mom, not on her phone, but playing some kind of game.
She was laughing with her child; he was having so much fun. It was clear to me, I could see, she dearly
loved her son.
So I mustered up the strength that I didn’t have before, to sit and
watch them for a minute, to smile and not be sore.
When I continued on my journey, walking with a purpose now, I came
across that little girl, the one with the pregnant frown.
She sat there all alone, she appeared to be afraid, so I moved in to
sit beside her, so that stories we could trade.
I sat down on the bench, said hello and told my name. She picked her
head up and looked at me, with a little bit of shame.
We sat on that bench for a while, until neither one felt blue, “clearly
you see I’m having a child, now tell me a little about you.”
I hesitated for a minute, thinking of what I should say. Then I opened my mouth to speak, and the
words just went on their way.
At that moment it was clear; God did have a plan for his child. I said
without a single tear, I’m what they call an infertile.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
My heart is shattered and my cheesecake is broken!
Well I know that I have been gone for a while. Things have been crazy busy at work. The first 6 months of the year are always terribly busy. This year we are in court 3 weeks straight and off one week from January to July. But something happened today that just leaves me with no other choice but to blog. I really have found writing this blog to be very therapeutic. I have really been able to come to terms with several things in my infertility journey since I started writing and getting things out. I can write things on here that I wouldn't ordinarily say out loud (when people are around). My friends may be laughing at me right now because they know that I have special conversations with the bathroom mirror when no one is around, but I digress. The bathroom mirror just wasn't going to cut it today.
Well a very special IF sister recently did a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer- when they take embryos that were previously retrieved and frozen, thaw them, and transfer them into the uterus). The day they went for the transfer was an awesome day. If you are in this position or the dear friend of an infertile you understand that their journey becomes your journey too. You find yourself hurting with them, smiling with them, dreaming with them, etc. So on the day of the transfer they called me to tell me that they had some important decisions to make (good ones) and they wanted to ask my opinion about what they should do. Later that day the told me that the transfer went well and that things were looking good. I was so happy for them. They were one step closer to their dream. There was one less obstacle in the way. They waited two long weeks to hear the most beautiful words an infertile could hear "You're pregnant!"
They finally got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!!! I imagine them hearing those words and grinning from ear to ear, with a few woo hoos and a hell yeah mixed in for good measure. At least that's what I did when I got the text. I couldn't wait to talk to her and starting planning baby stuff. I mean she had just won the battle! A fellow infertile was pregnant. Over the next few weeks we chatted and texted back and forth about how she felt and other plans. They scheduled an ultrasound where they would find out how many babies they had and start monitoring their progress. Well that appointment was today. My heart shattered into a million pieces when she texted me and told me that they lost the pregnancy. I started crying driving back to work. I could barely see the road. The rest of the afternoon, all I could think of was how much that sucked!!!!! I was filled with so many feelings and emotions. I was shocked because I just knew that this was it. I was mad because I just knew that they was it. I was sad because I just knew that this was it. But what I didn't know was what to do now. I wanted to go see her, hug her, talk to her, tell her it was going to be ok, tell her God had a plan, take her chocolate, etc. But I didn't know what to do. I called her on the way back to work and just said I don't know what to say but I just had to talk to you.
I just went to the store and bought a large cheesecake. I've finished my second piece and I'm thinking hard about a third. Most of the time cheesecake makes it all feel better, but this cheesecake must be broken. It's not working. I hate feeling helpless, not being able to fix it. I hate seeing my friends in agony, knowing there is nothing I can do to help them. When I left work I turned on the radio hoping for a song with some kind of inspiration. After about 25 minutes of driving, I got it. It was a song entitled "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. As I listened to it, it spoke so perfectly to my heart about the condition of her heart.
Well a very special IF sister recently did a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer- when they take embryos that were previously retrieved and frozen, thaw them, and transfer them into the uterus). The day they went for the transfer was an awesome day. If you are in this position or the dear friend of an infertile you understand that their journey becomes your journey too. You find yourself hurting with them, smiling with them, dreaming with them, etc. So on the day of the transfer they called me to tell me that they had some important decisions to make (good ones) and they wanted to ask my opinion about what they should do. Later that day the told me that the transfer went well and that things were looking good. I was so happy for them. They were one step closer to their dream. There was one less obstacle in the way. They waited two long weeks to hear the most beautiful words an infertile could hear "You're pregnant!"
They finally got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!!! I imagine them hearing those words and grinning from ear to ear, with a few woo hoos and a hell yeah mixed in for good measure. At least that's what I did when I got the text. I couldn't wait to talk to her and starting planning baby stuff. I mean she had just won the battle! A fellow infertile was pregnant. Over the next few weeks we chatted and texted back and forth about how she felt and other plans. They scheduled an ultrasound where they would find out how many babies they had and start monitoring their progress. Well that appointment was today. My heart shattered into a million pieces when she texted me and told me that they lost the pregnancy. I started crying driving back to work. I could barely see the road. The rest of the afternoon, all I could think of was how much that sucked!!!!! I was filled with so many feelings and emotions. I was shocked because I just knew that this was it. I was mad because I just knew that they was it. I was sad because I just knew that this was it. But what I didn't know was what to do now. I wanted to go see her, hug her, talk to her, tell her it was going to be ok, tell her God had a plan, take her chocolate, etc. But I didn't know what to do. I called her on the way back to work and just said I don't know what to say but I just had to talk to you.
I just went to the store and bought a large cheesecake. I've finished my second piece and I'm thinking hard about a third. Most of the time cheesecake makes it all feel better, but this cheesecake must be broken. It's not working. I hate feeling helpless, not being able to fix it. I hate seeing my friends in agony, knowing there is nothing I can do to help them. When I left work I turned on the radio hoping for a song with some kind of inspiration. After about 25 minutes of driving, I got it. It was a song entitled "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. As I listened to it, it spoke so perfectly to my heart about the condition of her heart.
So sometimes all you can do is just turn to him and pray. I guess he knew this one wasn't it. But the good thing is that he knows when it will be it and oh how much better will it be! That I do know! He doesn't promise our life here will be easy (we all see that), but he does promise that he will protect us and help us! That will be our comfort for the night, because the cheesecake didn't work!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The prosperous year of the '13: Answers and News we can finally use!
'\HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!! I hope everyone had a wonderful and very safe new year. We had a very good new year, even though Kevin had to work. Poor thing was in bed by 9:00 on New Year's Eve.
Taking a moment to look back at 2012 and what it taught us, we have decided to look at 2013 as a positive adventure yet to come! We started the year of the '13 off right, with a RE doctor's appointments! Earlier in the week I said my dr appointment was today, but it turns out it was yesterday. Luckily, I called Dr. D's office last week because I couldn't remember the time. It's been a long week! shewwww! I'm blaming it on anesthesia brain! You know you lose brain cells when they put you under. After 5 surgeries, it's a wonder I can tie my shoes.
So yesterday, the day started out just fine, until Kevin woke up. Boy was he ill. Just because! I was anxious about the appointment as usual. I think I tried on 5 outfits before it was just time to go and I had no other choice but to wear what I had on at that particular moment. We headed to the appointment and didn't talk the entire way. I had no clue what to expect at this appointment. On the way I read a part of my book on embryo adoption. Embryo adoption (EA) is a fairly new form of adoption. It's only been around since the late 1990s, I think. EA is the adoption of leftover embryos from another couple's IVF cycle. Sounds kind of weird when you put it on paper like that, but it is actually really cool. Pretend you do an IVF cycle, you stimlulate and Dr. D gets 20 follicles. He puts your 20 eggs and your husbands sperm in a petri dish and lets them get acquainted. Well amazingly, all 20 fertilize beautifully and mature into wonderful looking embryos. Well there is no way you can transplant all 20 of those. You could end up like those 40 kids and counting people. I'm just kidding, I know it is only 19. Like that's better, Seriously?! So you tranfer 2 at a time until you have your desired number of youngins! Say you have 10 embryos left. What to do with the embryos? 1) You can freeze them and let them stay in storage forever on the off chance you might want to have another kid when you're 50. 50 is the new 40 these days. 2) You can destroy them. That means you call your RE's lab or storage facility and tell them to throw your embryos (lives with potential) in the garbage with the left over pizza from lunch. OR 3) You can donate them to a couple who can't make their own embryos for whatever reason. ME and KEVIN! We would enter into a contract together and we purchase the embryos. Then 2 at a time, they are transferred into my uterus, hopefully they implant and we get pregnant, and the rest is just a health ed lesson.
It is considerably cheaper than traditional adoption and IVF. Traditional adoption, international and domestic, can cost on average $25,000 - $30,000. IVF costs an average of $15,000. EA cost an average of $6,000-$15,000. We could adopt the embryos now, and wait to transfer them when we are ready. So we can move at a more relaxed and financially secure pace.
Dr. D's office has an embryo donation bank. Because he knows the quality of the embryos they freeze, he says we would have about a 50% chance at getting pregnant. Well that is better than our chances if we used our own embryos today. Right now we sit at a 41% success rate with our own embryos. There is also a foundation called "Snowflakes. " It's basically an adoption agency for embryos. They have embryos all over the country that are just sitting in little freezer tanks waiting to be adopted!
We did get some clarification too on how my AMH could decrease so quickly. I didn't know that every month when a woman gets ready to ovulate, multiple eggs basically fight to become the dominate egg. Say you have 25 eggs fighting for that starring role in the oscar winning motion picture, Ovulate! Only one can be a star. During the fight it is basically survival of the fittest and the unfit eggs are dying out. Once the one egg ovulates, the other 24 die. So a woman is losing eggs every day of her life. If you are in my position and don't have a lot of eggs in the first place, losing any eggs is not good. I wouldn't have 25 eggs dying, but it would still be enough to hurt my AMH.
We also learned that my endometriosis was in my ovary. I tell you something folks, I am awesome at being screwed up! The endometriosis was in a cyst that was inside my ovary! That could be another reason for the low AMH. Dr. D said that there is some kind of connection with endometriosis and low AMH, but we aren't quite sure what that connection is. Both are apparently hereditary, too. No good! So with no tubes and below average ovaries, I asked Dr. D if there was anyway we could take a look at my uterus before we spend all kinds of money and find out it is inhabitable. He said he had already done that when I had the Saline Infused Sonohysterography (SIS). I told him that I thought I remembered him remarking that my uterus was "beautiful." He said yes it looked great! Did you hear that folks? Beautiful uterus! haha only in infertility is that a real sentence!
So we got good news and answers that made things make better sense. I feel pretty good today and pretty excited about what's to come! There are still plenty of things to learn and think about, but for right now we will hold onto this momentary joy!
So here's to 2013, the prosperous year of the 13! A year of less bad news for all of us, bigger hopes, smiles all around, more what if dreams, and maybe, just maybe, our baby reality!
Good night, sleep tight, and may your Faith in the Lord keep you safely in his light!
Taking a moment to look back at 2012 and what it taught us, we have decided to look at 2013 as a positive adventure yet to come! We started the year of the '13 off right, with a RE doctor's appointments! Earlier in the week I said my dr appointment was today, but it turns out it was yesterday. Luckily, I called Dr. D's office last week because I couldn't remember the time. It's been a long week! shewwww! I'm blaming it on anesthesia brain! You know you lose brain cells when they put you under. After 5 surgeries, it's a wonder I can tie my shoes.
So yesterday, the day started out just fine, until Kevin woke up. Boy was he ill. Just because! I was anxious about the appointment as usual. I think I tried on 5 outfits before it was just time to go and I had no other choice but to wear what I had on at that particular moment. We headed to the appointment and didn't talk the entire way. I had no clue what to expect at this appointment. On the way I read a part of my book on embryo adoption. Embryo adoption (EA) is a fairly new form of adoption. It's only been around since the late 1990s, I think. EA is the adoption of leftover embryos from another couple's IVF cycle. Sounds kind of weird when you put it on paper like that, but it is actually really cool. Pretend you do an IVF cycle, you stimlulate and Dr. D gets 20 follicles. He puts your 20 eggs and your husbands sperm in a petri dish and lets them get acquainted. Well amazingly, all 20 fertilize beautifully and mature into wonderful looking embryos. Well there is no way you can transplant all 20 of those. You could end up like those 40 kids and counting people. I'm just kidding, I know it is only 19. Like that's better, Seriously?! So you tranfer 2 at a time until you have your desired number of youngins! Say you have 10 embryos left. What to do with the embryos? 1) You can freeze them and let them stay in storage forever on the off chance you might want to have another kid when you're 50. 50 is the new 40 these days. 2) You can destroy them. That means you call your RE's lab or storage facility and tell them to throw your embryos (lives with potential) in the garbage with the left over pizza from lunch. OR 3) You can donate them to a couple who can't make their own embryos for whatever reason. ME and KEVIN! We would enter into a contract together and we purchase the embryos. Then 2 at a time, they are transferred into my uterus, hopefully they implant and we get pregnant, and the rest is just a health ed lesson.
It is considerably cheaper than traditional adoption and IVF. Traditional adoption, international and domestic, can cost on average $25,000 - $30,000. IVF costs an average of $15,000. EA cost an average of $6,000-$15,000. We could adopt the embryos now, and wait to transfer them when we are ready. So we can move at a more relaxed and financially secure pace.
Dr. D's office has an embryo donation bank. Because he knows the quality of the embryos they freeze, he says we would have about a 50% chance at getting pregnant. Well that is better than our chances if we used our own embryos today. Right now we sit at a 41% success rate with our own embryos. There is also a foundation called "Snowflakes. " It's basically an adoption agency for embryos. They have embryos all over the country that are just sitting in little freezer tanks waiting to be adopted!
We did get some clarification too on how my AMH could decrease so quickly. I didn't know that every month when a woman gets ready to ovulate, multiple eggs basically fight to become the dominate egg. Say you have 25 eggs fighting for that starring role in the oscar winning motion picture, Ovulate! Only one can be a star. During the fight it is basically survival of the fittest and the unfit eggs are dying out. Once the one egg ovulates, the other 24 die. So a woman is losing eggs every day of her life. If you are in my position and don't have a lot of eggs in the first place, losing any eggs is not good. I wouldn't have 25 eggs dying, but it would still be enough to hurt my AMH.
We also learned that my endometriosis was in my ovary. I tell you something folks, I am awesome at being screwed up! The endometriosis was in a cyst that was inside my ovary! That could be another reason for the low AMH. Dr. D said that there is some kind of connection with endometriosis and low AMH, but we aren't quite sure what that connection is. Both are apparently hereditary, too. No good! So with no tubes and below average ovaries, I asked Dr. D if there was anyway we could take a look at my uterus before we spend all kinds of money and find out it is inhabitable. He said he had already done that when I had the Saline Infused Sonohysterography (SIS). I told him that I thought I remembered him remarking that my uterus was "beautiful." He said yes it looked great! Did you hear that folks? Beautiful uterus! haha only in infertility is that a real sentence!
So we got good news and answers that made things make better sense. I feel pretty good today and pretty excited about what's to come! There are still plenty of things to learn and think about, but for right now we will hold onto this momentary joy!
So here's to 2013, the prosperous year of the 13! A year of less bad news for all of us, bigger hopes, smiles all around, more what if dreams, and maybe, just maybe, our baby reality!
Good night, sleep tight, and may your Faith in the Lord keep you safely in his light!
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