What's in a name?

So I'm sure by now you are wondering why the title of my blog is Wonder Woman's Infertility.  I am clearly no superhero, I can't fly, and I'm certainly not an Amazon warrior princess.  In fact, I've never been in a fight in my life and can only imagine how scrappy I would be with my Olive Oil muscles.  Wonder Woman (WW) could run at speeds of 60 mph or greater.  I only run when there is a doughnut or chocolate involved and that is still a slow jog.  WW could jump from building to building and tear steel doors off of their hinges.  The only jumping and tearing I do is jumping onto the couch and tearing tissues out of the box when I cry watching the Hallmark Channel.

But WW was created in 1941 to reassure women that they were strong but could be gentle and compassionate at the same time.  WW was a warrior princess, who fought for love, justice, and peace in a world of men.  I relate to this because my job is a constant fight for justice and attempting to keep the streets peaceful.  The only difference is that I fight with my brain and mouth instead of my hands.  But WW and I use some of the same tools.  Her main tools were her lasso of truth, indistructible bracelets, and her golden tiara.  Her lasso of truth was used to force people to tell her the truth.  I am learning to do this on cross examination.  Questioning a peron on the stand and catching them in a lie is sometimes the most fun an attorney can have.  Her indistructible bracelets could deflect bullets and were used to keep some of her powers contained.  These bracelets are used everyday where I work.  People come in and out of the courtroom everyday with silver bracelets and shackels. She used the golden tiara as a projectile.  About the only thing I can throw that accurately is a bowling ball. I don't have a tiara, but I'm not opposed to getting one!

Because WW debuted during World War II, a time when women were having to work all day then come home and be the mother, father, wife, and husband, WW became an icon.  Women who could do all of those things and appear to do them well, were called WW.  That's why I think I'm WW!  Now let me be very clear, I am not a great house wife.  I am not good a cleaning on a regular basis, I don't cook dinner everynight, and I certainly don't bring my husband his slippers while he reads the paper.  But when I do cook, I cook from scratch.  I am the party queen, always going over board with food and decorations.  I always overestimate my realistic ability to do.  I work anywhere from 40-55 hours a week, depending on what kind of week it is.  I volunteer with the Junior Service League, Relay for Life, and the County Animal Shelter.  I bowl on Sundays, carrying a nice 185 average.  I coupon daily, looking for the best deals to save my family money. I obsess over perfection and always try my best!  I handle my problems quietly, most of the time, without asking for help from anyone else. I prefer to be the one people lean on instead of being the leaner. 

I found this on a blog called "Roar: You will be heard."  I felt it was all too perfect to explain the flawed perfectionist that is me!

Here are 10 symptoms of the Wonder Woman Syndrome (emphasis added):

1. I am slow to bow my knees but quick to roll up my sleeves

2. I try too hard to make everything just right

         (I'm working on it)

3. I have this desire to fix everything and I believe I can

         (except for infertility)

4. I can’t say no when there is a call for volunteers

5. I feel that I can control the behavior of others

6. I feel that I have all the answers

7. I feel overwhelmed and keep pushing myself

8. I think too highly of myself and pride rules
          (I'm proud to say that this has gotten better)

9. I think if I don’t do it, it will never get done, and nobody can do it as well

             (Except for cleaning the house)

10. I am reluctant to ask for help; watch me do it all by myself.

             (Kevin has always told me I was similar to a 2 year old)

I think this explains why infertility has been so difficult for me to accept.  I try to control my world as much as possible and fix things within my world that aren't working properly.  But I can't control any part of infertility and certainly can't fix it!  Having to come to terms with this has been SUPER humbling.  I'm doing better.  But something tells me it will take a lifetime to deal with it. 

I know God has a WONDERful plan for Kevin and I; one that might be different than our human expectations.  As children, most all women dream of and plan for motherhood.  I practiced on my sister.  I acted like her mom until...well I still do. But I digress.  Motherhood is a part of life that most women are conditioned for from our first baby doll.  So we grow up expecting that that is how life will be.  Motherhood becomes our greatest desire and our biggest failure when it doesn't happen. Then we question God when our plans go array.  But God didn't promise us motherhood! Psalm 37: 4 says "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  But what if the desires of my heart are more than a child, something I can't yet understand or appreciate?  I'll just have to let go of my WW persona, and let God fix this one! WW doesn't exist.  She is only a fictional character created to remind women that they are tough and can do just about anything!

God has this under control, he just has a little conditioning to do before he makes me the Katy he needs me to be!  Then he will reveal the true desires of my heart!

So there you have it.  Why the name Wonder Woman's Infertility fits my blog. 

The holiday is over! I'm back so let's unpack!

Well I'm back from my hyatus!  Sorry I left you guys for so long! But it has been a crazy couple of weeks! I hope you all had a great Christmas holiday! To my fellow infertiles, I hope it wasn't too hard! I have been gone for about 2 weeks, so let me catch you up!

Well about 2 weeks ago I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I didn't recognize the number on my missed calls and I suck at checking my voicemails, so it wasn't until about a week later that I found out who had called.  It was my RE's office.  They were calling to check in with Kevin and I to see when we wanted to start an IVF cycle. Well knowing that we are about $14,250.00 short of affording an IVF cycle, I mumbled to myself "NEVER!"  Luckily I was in my office and no one could hear me talking to myself. People might look at me a little funnier than they already do!  Kevin always tells me that I haven't mastered talking to myself quietly! I tell him that I have!  I whisper when I talk to myself, which is much quietier than when I talk to other people.  Anyway!  I sat at my desk for a while and thought about what to do!  Kevin and I had decided that we were going to adopt, and we were pretty satisfied and at peace with that decision, until I went to my surgeon's office (Dr. L).  When I saw Dr. L for my pre-op appointment, she asked me what the next step for us was going to be.  I told her adoption and she looked at me like I had four heads and 1 eyeball.  Seriously, she cocked her head to the side, squinted her eyes and just stared. She asked why, I told her about the AMH score, and she said (in her cute little french accent) "you aren't even going to see how you stimulate first?" Well that, of course, peeked my interest.  I asked her what she meant.  She told me that AMH is such a new concept for medicine (about 10 years old), with a lot of uncertainty, and she would hate to see us quit based solely on that score.  Now I must tell you that I trust my RE completely.  He has been doing this work for a very long time and is one of the best!  But when Dr. L said that I definately questioned our decision.

So when I got the message from Dr. D's office, I had to think about what to do next.  Most women would call their husband and talk it over with him.  Not me!  I am the type that has to come to the table with a solution and I don't want to bother him with the stress until I have that fix. So I sat there for a good 5 or 10 minutes and stared at the wall. I started to cry as I thought about the options and how every option wasn't possible.  Well I realized I was starting to get to the point of no return.  I was starting to cry so hard that I wasn't going to be able to control it soon.  If I had been at home that would have been fine, but at work, not so much.  So I called Dr. D's office and set up an appointment. We go on January 3rd to discuss options!

Needless to say, I have spent the past week and a half wondering and thinking.  But I managed to keep myself busy enough to enjoy the holiday. We had a week of court the week before Christmas, so that kept me hopping.  Then with all of the shopping, gift wrapping, baking, gatherings and such I didn't have a lot of time to think about it.  December 23rd is my sister's birthday. So we went out for dinner.  While we were there I discovered another fellow infertile. That made me feel better. Not that she was infertile! But she told me about her situation, and that made me stop thinking about my problems. On Christmas Eve we spent a lovely night at Kevin's mom's house, which was especially nice after a long day of baking. 

Then Christmas day was finally here!  This was my first Chirstmas of being an official infertile. Remember that we have known there would be difficulties for the past 10 years, but it wasn't until September that a diagnosis sealed the deal.  So this Christmas was a little different than Christmases past.  In the past I would have a moment of sadness and would reassure myself with the unknown.  That 20% chance! God can do a lot with 20%!  I know God can do a lot with 0% too, but this human couldn't stop feeling sorry for herself this year! It was much harder to lift myself back up. Christmas morning I woke up fine.  As I started getting ready, I started to think.  That translates to I started to cry.  Luckily, Kevin was still asleep so he didn't know! I really couldn't have told you why I was crying.  There wasn't a thing that caused it.  Nothing had happened.  Tears just started rolling down my face.  But I couldn't stop it! Finally, I got it under control. I made myself up as best I could so that no one would notice. Kevin still did! But I told him I couldn't talk about it (cause I would have started up again and I really couldn't explain it) and we went to his grandparents' house.

When we got there, we were met with the smell of country ham, bacon, eggs, and rolls. We also had a beautiful pregnant lady standing in the living room.  HOLD THE PHONE!  Before you think bad thoughts, I was SUPER excited to see her.  You see she is a fellow infertile who is three months pregnant following a five years struggle and her 1st cycle of IVF. So we had nothing but pregnant infertile love for her.  It was awesome to see her little baby bump and listen to her tell me all about her past three months of doctors appointments and what's to come.  I was feeling better almost instantly.  I stayed busy the rest of the day and didn't really have time to pay attention to the emotional blurps that periodically popped into my head.

When I finally slowed down and we were in for the night, I got punched in the face!  Kevin went outside to play with his new toys, and I had to clean up and wrap some more presents. I spent an entire hour wrapping one present because my mind was focused on how creative I could be with the bow, not "I'll never get to stay up all night doing this on Christmas Eve to see my child rip it open."  About that time Kevin came in, sat downstairs with me and started wathing tv.  Everything was fine, until... Kevin was watching "The Big Bang Theory." Sheldon made reference to different ways to make money.  One of those ways was selling sperm. Kevin said something to the effect of "Hey I could do that" or "I wonder how much it goes for" and it was over!  I know he meant nothing by it and normally it was be a haha funny comment, but not today! I immediately thought, oh so some other woman can have your children, because I can't!  I know that is crazy lady thinking, but I couldn't help it.  All I said was I don't think so, and I went to my room. I sat there and did my crying until I was better.

But to his defense, he didn't mean any harm by it and couldn't have known how I would take that comment because I hadn't expressed to him how I was feeling. So he waited a few minutes, let me have my private moment, then came to check on me once my door was open! He handled it the best way he could.  He is such a great hubby!

That was my Christmas!  A lot of joy, with a side of crazy lady!  My number one lesson was to take a moment to myself and let it all out!  I felt so much better after I cried in my room and just let it go!  So that's what it's gonna take! I hope your Christmas was wonderful and not too difficult!  Keep your head up and have a GREAT day!

Count your blessings instead of sheep!!!

Well I started thinking about it after my post the other nigiht, and I was wrong! Now before everyone starts marking their calendars and calling the press to report that I admitted I was wrong, let me explain!  I made a statement about how out of control I was with infertility, but I realized there are a lot of things I can control!  No, I can't plan my pregnancy like lots of couples.  That is all in God's hands.  I can try, try, and try, but ultimately He is in control and His Will will be done.  But there are plenty of other things involved in infertility.

I can control the way I respond to Infertility!  Infertility is a VERY stressful thing!  I read something the other night that said women who are diagnosed with infertility suffer from stress levels comparable to women diagnosed with cancer and other terminal illnesses.  Now I don't know how true that particular statement is because I've never been diagnosed with cancer. But I can definately say that Infertility is the most stressful thing I've ever experienced.  It's been more stressful than college, law school, taking the bar, planning a wedding, etc. It can seriously effect you negatively if you let it!  But I am learning that it doesn't have to effect me like that, I can choose to be positive! I can choose to smile. Try it. When I start feeling sorry for myself, even if not about infertility, I'll just smile and keep smiling! After a while, I will feel better!

Don't misunderstand me! I will still have "relapse days."  There are days that feel like agony.  Days I would rather stay in bed, cry and stare at the wall! But everyday that is not like that, is a success and one day closer to coping with infertility.

I can control the way I inform people about Infertility!  People don't talk about infertility for a ton of reasons. A lot of those reasons are the same way I've felt and talked about in my last post.  But that is only making matters worse.  Infertility is a diagnosable medical condition.  It is not something to be ashamed of or something to run from.  But it is a topic that makes people uncomfortable.  You have to talk about things like fallopian tubes, ovaries, sperm, sex, etc. Just watch people squirm if you say the word Vagina outloud!  It's quite funny!  PENIS! Ok I'm bordering crude now.  But my point is, these are just words.  Not talking about infertility because we are uncomfortable using anatomically correct terminology is not acceptable.  Not talking about infertility because you don't want people to know your story, I understand that too! But not everyone has to tell their story publicly.  Telling anyone, a close friend or relative starts the ripple.  Just telling people about infertility statistics.  This blog is wonderful for me, but might not be for someone else.  I have chosen not to be quiet and I can control what efforts I put towards teaching people about Infertility.

I can control the way I react when people give me silly advice! Well before I posted this blog, I could blame their words on the fact that they didn't know what I was truly going through. So I chose to smile, tell them thank you and change the subject.  But that wasn't the right reaction.  Now I will choose to smile, tell them thank you and stay on the subject of Infertility. Make that an oppurtunity to teach! Explain to them how Infertility is real and can't be fixed by a bottle of wine and standing on my head. I can control how big I smile, how genuine my "thank you" is and the message I give them.

I can choose to smile instead of walk around with a scowl on my face!  Sometimes us infertiles can be pretty bitter.  I have bitten off my shares of heads. I told you how I started to hate pregnant women just because they were pregnant. Now who am I to be mad at someone for experiencing the one thing I want more than anything?  What kind of sense does that make? Do I want others to be mad at me when I get pregnant or adopt my first child? No! That pregnant lady walking across the Wal-Mart parking lot may be a fellow infertile who has been through the same things as me! She may not be infertile.  But if I get mad at her for being pregnant and I wish she wasn't, isn't that in some way wishing infertility on her? After experiencing this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Seriously! I can choose to be happy for her.

I can choose to count my blessings, instead of sheep!  Ironically enough, I have been having a terrible time with not being able to sleep lately.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am a little energetic.  Somewhat comparable to a five year old on crack? Well the past few weeks, I have been wide awake into the wee hours of the morning. When I do finally go to bed, I lay there thinking about everything there is to be thought about.  My doctor gave me a perscription for Melatonin, but it is really only scratching the surface.  So I was talking to a friend about it the other day, and she told me to try counting my blessings when I lay down. But I think that advice is not just good sleeping advice, but good advice for coping with infertility.  If I concentrate on all of the things that I don't have because of infertility, it is SUPER easy to start feeling depressed and relapse.  But if I concentrate on all of the ways I am blessed, I start to smile and feel warm and tingly inside.
I have a wonderful husband who adores me.  He is so supportive and understanding.  He lets me fall apart when I need to and stands right beside me eagerly holding up the pieces.  He does small things like squeezing my hand when Dr. D gives me bad news. He stops to get me ice cream after a crying session with the pastor just so I will feel better. He encourages me when I say things like "I'm gonna start a blog." He makes me laugh, he hugs me just because, and acts like a goof along with me! That is just a tiny example of the blessing he is to me. I can't imagine going through this without him. Some women aren't as lucky as I am to have a partner who is willing to stand by them in this struggle. Blessed!

I have amazing parents and family! My parents have always made it very clear how proud of me they are, how much they love me, and how dedicated that are to me and my sister.When we first found out we were on a timeline, I had delusional goals of raising $15,000 through fundraisers in 3-4 months.  My dad loves to Bar-B-Q. So I asked them if we could sell some bar-b-q. Mom and dad did everything they could to help us. My sister got up super early and drove an hour to help me have a yardsale to raise money!  My mother-in-law (MIL) and brother-in-law (BIL) are the best I could ask for!  They have accepted me as if I were their real daughter and sister.  They love me and make me feel like I've been around forever! They support Kevin and I in everything we do and we couldn't ask for more! My extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins is great too!  I am still so very blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents. I have 7 uncles, 4 aunts, and 14 cousins who are a blast to be with! That doesn't even touch Kevin's family! They are great as well! Standing behind us and encouraging us! Blessed!

Then there are the Ds (not Dr. D).  I don't know what to call them.  Friend doesn't work anymore, because we are too close for that title. They are like family but still just a little different. J has been my best friend for so long now that I don't remember life without her!  D has become an unexpected wonderful friend too! They honored Kevin and I with the oppurtunity of being Z and J's Godparents.  They had the most beautiful, sweet little girl 6 years ago.  Just over a year ago J was pregnant with baby J. It was when she was pregnant that they asked us to be Z and J's Godparents. It wasn't long after that that she asked me to be present for baby J's birth. Knowing that I might never get to experience childbirth, I was thrilled to be apart of such a wonderful thing.  The funny things is, I didn't think twice about it. Sharing that day with J and being right there for the birth of baby J created a bond that is unimaginable.  Even though it didn't go as we planned, it was a day that I will never forget and never stop cherishing!  The first time I saw that chuncky monkey in the nursery, I was hooked.  I thank God for all four blessings everyday! Blessed!

Oh and my friends and co-workers!  To call them friends and co-workers is really a misnomer.  My work family is how they should be characterized.  I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with.  I spend more time with them than my actual family, so we have to love each other. I have cried, fumed, and laughed so much with these people.  They have seen me at my absolute worst and blessed me at my best! I am so incredibly thankful for them! Blessed!

See I'm crying out of happiness and smiling from ear to ear!  It works, I promise!  So from now on I will control these things that I can, and pray about those things that I can't.  I will count my blessings, instead of sheep!

Who is that crazy lady living with my husband?

Well I've always considered myself a pretty low key, normal person! BAHAHAHA! 

I am probably the farthest thing from normal! I would say that I have always been a pretty chipper, happy, energetic person.  My daddy has always told me that I am very blessed because I have laughed everyday! That is very true.  But my daddy has also told me that "sometimes you have to hit people upside the head with a 2 x 4 before they learn something!" Unfortunately, that is very true too!

Well infertility and God certainly knocked me out with that 2 x 4. I am a planner, and I may be a little obsessive?! People often tell me that I need to be more flexible, that I can't control everything, and I can't change the world.  I used to look at them and smile while on the inside saying "bless your poor little heart, but yes I can! Would you like to watch me?" I haven't always been that way though.  In fact in high school I could have cared less about most anything. I graduated with a C average, and that included my A in gym and home ec.  When I went to college, my dad started divinity school.  He had been out of school for 23 years and was going back to school to get his Masters.  He did the one thing that he knew would motivate me!  He challenged me and said he would get better grades than me!  Well, it was on like Donkey Kong! At that moment I kicked it into high gear and that is how we got the obsessive, control freak I am today. 

At that point in my life, everything was in my control.  I chose what to study, when to go out, when to sleep and eat, etc. I learned how to solve problems relying only on myself. If I saw a problem, I had to come up with a solution and fix it!  That was the only thing that made since to me! I decided to go to law school my senior year of college. So I took a class, took the LSAT, and applied to law school! I think that's where NIKE would say I "Just Did It."

But things changed when I got "the fever." Everything in my life up to that point was attainable based on my decision and action.  So it made sense to me that this would be same way. How VERY WRONG I was!  Remember that I was told I had a 20% chance to conceive naturally. There goes that whole denial thing again! We decided we were going to have a baby.  Well we didn't really plan anything at first.  I didn't monitor my periods or ovulation.  I figured it couldn't be that difficult to get pregnant.  I mean 15 year old high school girls do it all the time, right? (I know that sounds rude, but that's how I felt) Well, after a couple months of regular periods I decided that it might be a little more scientific than I thought. At that time I was still pretty rational!

Well the longer I had my period, the more insane I became. I started to lose all control of my thoughts and emotions.  One day I was walking out of Wal-Mart and saw a very nice looking lady who was probably 6 months pregnant and holding the hand of her 4 year old son. I hated her! I stared at her like she had four heads and thought "why does she get to have two?" I literally felt my blood pressure rise, my face started tingling, and I was mad! I hated someone I didn't even know, just because she was pregnant!  I got in my car and started sobbing uncontrollably.  I found myself disliking women I didn't know, everywhere I went.  Then I found myself being upset at women I knew who were getting pregnant. I just wanted to know one thing "why not me?" But to make things even more complicated, there were 2 special women who got pregnant during this time.  I was absolutely blissful that they were pregnant. When one of them told me she was pregnant, I almost knocked her out of her chair because I jumped on her and hugged her so hard!  Why didn't I hate them? (I didn't want to hate them, I just didn't understand what the difference was). What's even more interesting is that everytime I have a bad day, or get bad news, those two children are so comforting to me and I just want to hold them!

Then came the feelings that I was defective and broken. I am a woman, that's what we do! God made my body this way so I could have children. So the fact that my portable incubator wasn't working properly, made me feel like there was something wrong with me!  This time duct tape wouldn't fix it, it was broke! I wasn't able to give my husband a child. Many times I have thought about how blessed I am to be infertile in this day, instead of centuries ago.  I would have been discarded and shunned because I was broken.  Even though I knew he loved me with all of his heart, I really believed that he would be happier with someone who could give him a child. I really believed that the fact that I couldn't have a baby would make him love me less. 

I started to ask God what I had done to deserve infertility. Why was I being punished.  Why could people who couldn't afford to feed a child, have four? Why could women who were on drugs get pregnant? Why could women who clearly didn't want a child, sleep with any one they wanted, repeatedly get pregnant and end the pregnancy as a form of birth control?! I don't know that I was mad at God, but I was just so confused.  I couldn't understand "why?" That was the root of every question. WHY?!

Now inagine all of this craziness swimming around in your head, on top of the normal female hormones, and you can't tell anyone!  I held it in, all to myself, for months.  I didn't think anyone would understand! I think I knew how crazy all of these things sounded, but it was my reality at that moment.  I didn't even tell Kevin.  I don't suggest that as a coping mechanism by the way because it just intensifies the crazy!  I never knew what kind of day I was going to have.  I never knew if seeing a pregnant lady was make me cry, smile, or fume!  I never knew whether watching TV was safe.  What if I saw a baby on TV. Was I going to say awww and think it was cute or sob uncontrollably? It really is a wonder Kevin didn't have me committed!

Well about this time we had been married long enough that people started to notice that we didn't have any children yet.  They started asking, ALL OF THE TIME, "when are you guys going to have a baby?"  People started giving me advice and telling me how I could get pregnant. Now that I am much more stable, I find some of them hilarious!  People told us to have sex in certain positions, put a pillow under your but, put your legs in the air afterwards, acupuncture, eat this certain food, etc. The most common piece of advice was "just relax and have fun," "you are concentrating too hard."  That might be another place where NIKE would say "Just Do It." But seriously, how do you look someone in the eye, who has just given you some very well intentioned advice, and smile all while you want to kick them in the knees?

In addition to people telling me how to successfully have sex, people would try to make me feel better about the fact that I didn't have children yet. They would tell me that children were so much work and I should enjoy life without them for now. Well just in case anyone is unclear, please do not tell someone who is infertile and desperately wanting a child, that they should be thankful they don't have one.  All that says to this crazy lady is "I can have children, you can't, and I don't appreciate mine."

Finally, a very great friend of mine gave me a book entitled "Empty Womb, Aching Heart."  It is a book of stories told by other infertiles.That was the day my life started to look up. I learned I was not alone! I discovered that every story in the book was something I could relate to. I WAS NOT ALONE! I was not crazy or insane.  I was grieving, as if I had lost a loved one. Just because I had never met that loved one didn't make the pain any less real. The pain was because I would potentially never meet that loved one. I knew I was heading out of the crazy woods when I started feeling compassion for those women giving me that siilly advice.  They didn't know that I was struggling with infertility.  I realized I could do one of two things. I could make those women feel an inch tall by blasting them with the news that I was infertile; or I could smile and tell them something that would change the subject (realizing they didn't know my situation). I chose to smile and save their feelings!

The biggest blessing of these crazy couple of months was realizing that I had no control over God's plan. I needed God, and couldn't do infertility by myself.  I am so blessed to have a very close group of friends who are very spiritually centered, and a wonderful church and pastor who pointed me in the right direction.  My friends were like bumpers at the bowling alley.  Although the ball goes all over the lanes, those bumpers prevent the ball from going in the gutter and keep it headed towards its pin destination.

I have learned that I can't plan everything and that is life.  I can't obsess about the things I can't control. I can't do life alone!  I have met some wonderful people during this struggle.  I have learned that infertility is much more common than most people know.  I have learned that I am NOT broken! I found out that it is much more helpful for me to listen to the stories of others, than telling them my own. By doing that, my question for God now is "what," not why! "What is your plan for my infertility?'  What are the oppurtunities you are going to give this crazy lady?" "WHAT?"

My infertility is not a curse, but an oppurtunity to do something BIG!

History really does repeat itself!

At one time or another everyone has heard someone say something like “you never know how strong you really are until you are smack dab in the middle of a situation. “  I never thought I would have been able to handle the things I have gone through in the past 6 months.  I have learned a great number of things about my husband and myself on this journey.  The most important thing I have learned is that God is a necessity.  I have learned how incredibly blessed I am in spite of this condition.  I have learned how supportive and loving my husband is, even when dealing with a CRAZY wife. I have a super support group in my family and friends. The most difficult lesson I’ve learned is I can’t control everything because in infertility you can’t control anything.

For those who don’t know our situation, here is a brief history lesson about our infertility experience.  When I was nine years old, I had a severe case of appendicitis. After an emergency appendectomy, doctors discovered my appendix was behind my bladder and not on the right side of my abdomen like it was supposed to be. It was severely infected and poison had been leaking into my body for about a week. Within a month of the appendectomy, I had an abscess where my appendix had been. The abscess had to be surgically removed.  An abscess is a severe infection. As far as we knew, I was back to normal. What we didn’t know was that the infections would cause severe trauma to my fallopian tubes over the next 10 years.

Fast forward to fifteen years old. I began having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. About a year later, when the pain was much more constant and intense, doctors discovered I had bilateral hydrosalpinx. A hydrosalpinx (hyrdo) is a fallopian tube which is blocked with fluid cause by severe trauma or infection (flashback). Bilateral means that both of my tubes were blocked.  Over the next year, the pain continued to get worse until I couldn’t stand it anymore.  In October of 2001, at seventeen years old, I had surgery to have my fallopian tubes lased open. My tubes were dilated to 6‐7 cm in diameter. The average size of a fallopian tube is .05 – 1.2 cm.  My left ovary, left fallopian tube, and the left side of my intestines were all attached to each other. My intestines were attaching all of that to the front of my abdominal wall. I also had bad scar tissue from the appendectomy and abscess. Doctors opened my fallopian tubes and detached my ovary, fallopian tube, and intestines and put me back together again. Doctors told me and my parents that I would probably only have an estimated 20% chance of having a child naturally. Well to a 17 year old kid that isn’t the end of the world.

I graduated from high school, went onto college, and then law school.  During the summer after my 2^nd year of law school, I met my husband. We began dating and continued a long distance relationship until I graduated the following May.  I graduated in May of 2009, took the bar in July, we got engaged in August, I started my first big girl job in September and got married in December.  Ironically, everyone jokingly asked me “when are you due” when we set our wedding date so soon after getting engaged.  If we had only known!!!

Kevin and I spent the next two years enjoying just being with each other.  We discussed having children, but weren’t ready.  When I got “the fever,” we started trying. Now, knowing my past, we knew it would be difficult.  I guess you could say I was in denial about what 20% chance meant. So I stopped taking my BC and began half way monitoring my periods and ovulation. All the time though, in the back of my mind I had doubts.  Those doubts were confirmed every time I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). Every BFN was the same. I would feel funny (probably just gas), think “OMG is it possible,” go get a pregnancy test, reread the instructions so I know that I peed on the stick correctly (I know you are saying how do you mess up peeing on a stick, but after enough BFNs you think crazy thoughts), pee on the stick, spend the next 5-10 minutes dreaming and thinking about the what ifs, only to have all of those dreams and what ifs washed away by the tears streaming down my face.

After a while, I decided I needed to talk to my doctor.  I was terrified though. Even though I knew what he was going to say, I was petrified to hear it said out loud. This anxiety was a totally new concept for me.  Most of the time I am motivated by fear and anxiety (unless it is caused by seeing a spider).  So it was completely foreign to feel paralyzed.

In September of this year, I finally got the nerve to go to the doctor.  We learned that if I were to get pregnant naturally, it would most likely result in an ectopic pregnancy. In an ectopic pregnancy, the embryo grows inside the fallopian tube never making it to the uterus. This can be fatal to the mother and is always fatal to the embryo. Needless to say we didn’t try to conceive naturally. Enter Dr. D!  On the first visit, Dr. D confirmed that we would have to do In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) in order to have a child. He explained that IVF starts with giving myself shots for several days or weeks to make my ovaries mass produce eggs. Then I would be put to sleep, and a long needle used to suck out those eggs. They would introduce my eggs and Kevin’s sperm in a petri dish and let them get to know each other (fertilize) for 5 days. Hopefully, after that we would have embryos. Then 2 good looking embryos would be transferred to my uterus. After two weeks of more medication and shots we would take a pregnancy test to find out if we were pregnant.

But it couldn’t be that easy! Dr. D tested my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH). This would tell him what my egg reserve (quantity and quality) looked like. We thought that because of my age, my AMH would be about 2.0.  It was .80! PUNY!!! Dr. D also told us my hydros were back and that my tubes needed to come out. The best news of the day was when he told us we needed to do an IVF treatment by December, at the latest February 2013. That was one of the few days in my life that I truly was speechless.  If you know me, you understand how big that is.  If you don’t know me, I make conversation with myself! I promise I’m not crazy!

Just one BIG problem with Dr. D’s time line.  IVF costs around $15,000 per cycle. Pocket change, right? Most insurance companies consider having IVF a luxury. REALLY!?!? To add to it, I had to have the surgery before we could do any treatments.  I had the surgery on November 13, 2012. My tubes were completely blocked, I had a cyst on my left ovary, and endometriosis. I have healed and am theoretically “back to normal” whatever that means.  Did you get all of that? Yep, that is our reality. That is just the physical, we haven’t begun talking about the emotional crazy lady that moved in after we learned all of this.  It’ll have you saying “poor Kevin.” But I don’t know if you are ready for that on day one.  So we’ll save that for tomorrow night! Good night and sleep tight!