He has healed my heart!

Well, the last time that I talked to you I was still struggling with the residual feelings of our IVF cycle and miscarriage.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to see the movie "Son of God."  To put you in the moment, imagine me sitting in a movie theater full of people. I am sitting in the middle of the theater two seats from the aisle.  You can hear popcorn bags rustling and seats creaking as people restlessly shift positions. A great friend sitting to my right and two little old ladies to my left.  The people behind me continue to comment on what is happening or about to happen throughout the entire movie. The lights are low and the music is so loud that it shakes your insides.  After about only 30 minutes of watching Jesus perform so many random miracles I have already started crying like a baby. As I sat there watching Jesus healing random individuals who crossed his path I couldn't help but think "why not me?" Why couldn't he just say "you are healed my child." He can do it, why won't he? That would make my life so much better and doesn't he want the best for me? I know that is such a human response. This feeling was the strongest when Jesus was preaching to a crowd and several men lowered a paralyzed man through the roof.  They had carried him from his home and couldn't come through the door because so many people had come to see Jesus. So they broke a hole in the ceiling and lowered the man down to Jesus. I guess where there is a will there is a way, right? Jesus told him that his sins were forgiven and told him to get up and walk. Jesus told the man that he was healed and helped him to his feet.   When I saw that paralyzed man get up and walk away I had to concentrate on controlling myself because I was starting to blubber. You know that kind of "ugly" cry when your entire face quivers and the more you fight it the worse it gets? I looked around at everyone around me and no one else was as upset as I was.  What in the world was wrong with me? Then I realized why. I knew I needed a miracle and hadn't gotten it yet.  So then the two year old toddler inside of me started crying out saying "But what about me?"

So if Jesus can heal a paralyzed man why can't he simply "heal" me and give me a baby. That seems like nothing compared to what he did for other people in the Bible, right? I have asked him for a baby. I have been so distraught and raw in front of him while asking for what I "needed" that there couldn't be any confusion about what I was asking for. I have cried out to him asking him for help and healing, why won't he heal ME? Why can't he take the jumbled up hot mess that is inside of me and make it do what it's supposed to do? Why, why, why? So when Jesus said "you are healed" (to the paralyzed man) I thought to myself "Jesus, please heal me!" For just a minute, there were no popcorn bags rustling, the people behind me weren't talking, and it wasn't the music that was shaking my insides. It was one of those moments when you are lost to the world around you and for a second you are the only thing in the world. I thought (or God said to me) HE HAS ALREADY HEALED YOU! I didn't think too deeply into the thought at that time because I realized that I was in public and was starting to "uglier" cry.  You know the kind of cry that makes your face quiver uncontrollably and you start to sob out loud, gasping for air.  No one can look good doing that.

After the movie was over, and I had time to reflect on the lessons that I had learned, I thought about the "He has already healed you" thought.  What did that mean? Let me check and make sure but yep, still no baby. I still don't have fallopian tubes. So he hasn't healed me, what are you talking about?  But then I thought harder about it. A year ago (this was back in February) my heart was in a much different place. My heart was hard and I really didn't want to look at my infertility journey as a marathon.  I wanted it to be a sprint that I could run really fast, be done, wipe the sweat and walk away from the track. (Most of my friends are laughing right now because they know that I only run after a doughnut or piece of cheesecake. But whatever.) I believed that I still had control of everything. I had a plan. We would retest our AMH in July and depending on the results we would either try IVF or look into adoption.  God was a part of that plan of course, but really only as a spectator not an orchestrator. I felt like I was a crazy woman on a mission and anyone who got in my way, well, that's your own fault. Then Unconceivably Blessed and I started the support group.  I realized just how hard my heart had become. WE started our IVF cycle in October and to tell you the truth, I thought that would be the easy part.  I had had already had 5 surgeries in my lifetime, I could handle this for sure.  The difference though was the emotional roller coaster that is associated with IVF. Then when we miscarried, that was I started to see a shift in myself.  I hated stuff.  I hated people.  People that I had never met. Just because they had kids. I was angry.  I was mad at God and I questioned him.

But now, I was different.  I didn't hate people anymore.  I didn't hate my life.  I didn't hate my situation. I could look at a person with a child and think how cute that family was and not "I hate you because your reproductive system works properly." Unconceivably Blessed and I have helped each other through a lot of difficult moments and the support group is a huge help. I learn so much from those amazing women. I have started to realize that I can't control any part of infertility. So why try?
I have realized that God has to be in the driver's seat and I can't be a back seat driver. I'm still struggling with implementing that but I have realized that that's what needs to happen. I understand that I have a purpose in this life, and infertility is a part of the purpose.  I don't know what it is, but there is a reason that God allowed this to be a part of my life.

So He has healed me. Just not in the way that I was looking for. I was looking at the physical aspects of my infertility.  He hasn't given me the miracle of a baby, but he has given me so many more things that are causing another miracle, living positively with infertility. I still struggle everyday, but I will get there.