My heart is shattered and my cheesecake is broken!

Well I know that I have been gone for a while.  Things have been crazy busy at work.  The first 6 months of the year are always terribly busy.  This year we are in court 3 weeks straight and off one week from January to July.  But something happened today that just leaves me with no other choice but to blog.  I really have found writing this blog to be very therapeutic.  I have really been able to come to terms with several things in my infertility journey since I started writing and getting things out.  I can write things on here that I wouldn't ordinarily say out loud (when people are around).  My friends may be laughing at me right now because they know that I have special conversations with the bathroom mirror when no one is around, but I digress.  The bathroom mirror just wasn't going to cut it today.

Well a very special IF sister recently did a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer- when they take embryos that were previously retrieved and frozen, thaw them, and transfer them into the uterus). The day they went for the transfer was an awesome day.  If you are in this position or the dear friend of an infertile you understand that their journey becomes your journey too.  You find yourself hurting with them, smiling with them, dreaming with them, etc. So on the day of the transfer they called me to tell me that they had some important decisions to make (good ones) and they wanted to ask my opinion about what they should do. Later that day the told me that the transfer went well and that things were looking good.  I was so happy for them.  They were one step closer to their dream.  There was one less obstacle in the way.  They waited two long weeks to hear the most beautiful words an infertile could hear "You're pregnant!"

They finally got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!!! I imagine them hearing those words and grinning from ear to ear, with a few woo hoos and a hell yeah mixed in for good measure. At least that's what I did when I got the text.  I couldn't wait to talk to her and starting planning baby stuff.  I mean she had just won the battle! A fellow infertile was pregnant. Over the next few weeks we chatted and texted back and forth about how she felt and other plans.  They scheduled an ultrasound where they would find out how many babies they had and start monitoring their progress.  Well that appointment was today. My heart shattered into a million pieces when she texted me and told me that they lost the pregnancy. I started crying driving back to work. I could barely see the road.  The rest of the afternoon, all I could think of was how much that sucked!!!!!  I was filled with so many feelings and emotions.  I was shocked because I just knew that this was it.  I was mad because I just knew that they was it. I was sad because I just knew that this was it. But what I didn't know was what to do now. I wanted to go see her, hug her, talk to her, tell her it was going to be ok, tell her God had a plan, take her chocolate, etc.  But I didn't know what to do.  I called her on the way back to work and just said I don't know what to say but I just had to talk to you.

I just went to the store and bought a large cheesecake.  I've finished my second piece and I'm thinking hard about a third. Most of the time cheesecake makes it all feel better, but this cheesecake must be broken.  It's not working.  I hate feeling helpless, not being able to fix it. I hate seeing my friends in agony, knowing there is nothing I can do to help them. When I left work I turned on the radio hoping for a song with some kind of inspiration. After about 25 minutes of driving, I got it.  It was a song entitled "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  As I listened to it, it spoke so perfectly to my heart about the condition of her heart.

 

 

So sometimes all you can do is just turn to him and pray. I guess he knew this one wasn't it.  But the good thing is that he knows when it will be it and oh how much better will it be! That I do know!  He doesn't promise our life here will be easy (we all see that), but he does promise that he will protect us and help us! That will be our comfort for the night, because the cheesecake didn't work!