What they call an infertile….

What they call an infertile….

It’s been another bad day, so I decide to just walk. My world has become gray, so God and I must talk.

I walk down the street, and a sixteen year old I meet. She wears a sad frown and holds her head down.

She looks to be pregnant, maybe six months or more. But I don’t think it’s pleasant, it appears to be a chore.

I want to ask her why she cannot crack a smile. She’s been given a beautiful gift, not a sentence from a trial.

I continue on my journey, walking aimlessly through town. My world has gotten blurry; the tears make me feel like I‘ll drown.

I hear a mother yell. Tell her child to “JUST GO PLAY!” While she checks her phone and email, her blessing walks away.

I want to go and tell her how terrible she is. “Don’t you understand what you have, you are lucky to be his!”

But I turn and walk away, because I cannot muster the strength. I just need to find a place to pray to sit and just think.

I was told I couldn’t have a child. What they call an Infertile. But that has to be a sore mistake, because I’ve dreamt of this for a while!

How can this problem be reconciled? It isn’t something I can fix. The medical tests have been compiled, and it explains all those negative sticks.

These questions I will have, every day of my life. Have I been a bad person?  Or even worse, a bad wife?

How can I fix this and heal? What kind of pain does he feel? Is he dying inside but won’t say? Can I be sure that he’ll stay?

Of course ‘cause he’s a great man and he loves me just the same. No matter what happens today, he doesn’t feel this shame.

Their advice though is killing me. “It will be all in God’s time.”  “Just wait ‘till it’s meant to be,” I didn’t ask for their chime!

My prayers must be broken, because I yell them to the sky. But they don’t seem to be heard, because I only see one line!

Why is it me you chose, to endure this great pain? Did I do something wrong? Please let me explain!

Don’t punish me like this, I cannot take this now. What about the girl who does cocaine, I don’t understand how!

She has three children, who have all been taken away. I am the one who’s barren and she has another on the way.

The holidays are terrible, the worst that day in May. The one that’s most unbearable is always Mother’s Day!

I feel like a broken person, this body just won’t work. When it’s like nothing for other people, I just give them a little smirk.

Will he ever hold her hand? Will he pass his smile to him? Will there be a father daughter dance when I’ve dress her in lace trim?

There are so many questions, running through my head. Then there’s everyone’s suggestions, we could just adopt instead!

So I found a dark corner where I could be alone.  My eyes filled with tears, and I spoke to God with a groan.

God what have I done, to deserve all this pain? I’ve tried to live a good life; I’ve tried not to complain.

You promised to protect me, to be my sword and shield.  You said “Be strong. Don’t worry. No weapons must you wield.”

So why am I hurting so bad? Why do I have so much hate?  All I have is mad and sad.  That cannot be my fate.

Still wiping my eyes, I hung my head in despair, when I heard a voice say, “I didn’t promise fair!”

I promised to protect my child, the one who trusts in me.  I have shielded you all the while, for you have a strong enemy.

But you still continue to question, to worry and to doubt, when I’ve commanded you to be nothing less than devout.

You harp on blessings you don’t have, but forget about the ones you’ve got.  You have my hand, grace, and mercy, and that alone is a lot.

So get up from your sadness and sorrow, and go out and re-present me. Do it now, don’t wait for tomorrow and be what I chose you to be.

So do not fear, for I am with you, I will strengthen and help you too.  I am the Lord your God, and I will carry you through.

My plans are flawless and perfect, I have a plan just for you. I created you for this purpose, a route designed for you two.

So get up from your chains and obsession, and go out and re-present me.  Go teach about your greatest possession and be what I chose you to be.

So I picked myself up, and I wiped the last tear, “My Lord,” I said “I will trust and not fear.”

I started toward my home, walking back the way I came, when I saw that mom, not on her phone, but playing some kind of game.

She was laughing with her child; he was having so much fun.  It was clear to me, I could see, she dearly loved her son.

So I mustered up the strength that I didn’t have before, to sit and watch them for a minute, to smile and not be sore.

When I continued on my journey, walking with a purpose now, I came across that little girl, the one with the pregnant frown.

She sat there all alone, she appeared to be afraid, so I moved in to sit beside her, so that stories we could trade.

I sat down on the bench, said hello and told my name. She picked her head up and looked at me, with a little bit of shame.

We sat on that bench for a while, until neither one felt blue, “clearly you see I’m having a child, now tell me a little about you.”

I hesitated for a minute, thinking of what I should say.  Then I opened my mouth to speak, and the words just went on their way.

At that moment it was clear; God did have a plan for his child. I said without a single tear, I’m what they call an infertile.