So yesterday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old! Woo hooo, right? Yes, and No! I spent a large part of my day reading Happy Birthday wishes from wonderful friends. I came home to my amazing husband, who had made me a traditional Margarita, grilled me a delicious steak and spent the evening talking to me.
Unfortunately, I spent a good part of the day thinking about my infertility and the effects this birthday has on it.
First, I thought about a fellow infertile who was blessed with a beautiful baby girl July 9, 2012. I share a birthday with a miracle baby! I call her puddle, because I melt like a puddle every time I hold her and she buries her head in my neck! I thought so much about how happy I am to have both of them in my life.
Second, I thought about my doctors appointments I have scheduled in the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to have done my IVF cycle before I turned 29 because I have the ovaries of a 40 year old. I finally called Dr. D to schedule an appointment to have my AMH retested and plan according to the results. I finally got the courage. I have learned that when I am really scared, I procrastinate something terrible. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? UHH....WRONG!!!!! The silliest thing about that mentality is that procrastination only makes me keep thinking about it! But does that make sense when I'm avoiding something I don't want to face? ha! I just can't help thinking that I may have missed my chance. Even though I know that is a possibility, it is just so much worse thinking Dr. D might say it out loud. That makes it more real!
Finally, I thought about my 29 years. I thought about the fact that I will be the big 3.0. next year! I can remember when I was a little girl and 30 seemed ancient to me! It sounded sooooo old! Now, that is me! But thinking about that little girl made me think about the things she dreamt about! Then I thought about the things I wanted to have done by this time in my life. I wanted to go to school and have a successful career. For whatever reason, I wanted to jump out of an airplane! That is hilarious to me! I wanted to meet the man of my dreams, prince charming, my knight in shining armour (and hope they came all in one man). I wanted to start a family. Have a family as big as I wanted. You see I never knew about infertility until I was 16 or 17. I thought you decided how many kids you wanted to have and that's what you had. I didn't know that it was so scientific and so impossible for some! Well I went to school for half of my life. I have a wonderful job and a career that is on track to be very successful! I smartened up and decided that jumping out of an airplane was not a good part of my dream and I edited that out. I found my dream man who came with a side of prince charming and knight in shining armour!
So why can't I finish that dream??????!!!!!!
I am soooo happy for every birthday that God blesses me with! I can't help thinking about what that means for my infertility though. I can't help but think about the fact that one more year means that many more eggs (potential embryos) are gone. I can't help but think that as my age goes up, my percentage for a successful and safe pregnancy plummets. I can't help but think that I will be alone if my husband dies before me because I don't have any children. I can't help but see the dream turning into a nightmare! Something I wish I could stop with a pinch of my arm.
I read on the RESOLVE website that grieving during infertility is comparable to grieving for the death of a loved one. But it is unique in that it is reoccurring. When you lose a loved one, you only lose them once. Yes, you still think about them and grieve for them. I'm not discounting that grief! But infertility constantly renews itself. Every BFN is a new loss. Every test that says "you're reproductively stupid," is a new loss. Every time someone asks you "when are you guys going to have little ones" or advises if you stand on your head, put one leg to the side, and say your ABCs backwards,, you'll get pregnant; is a new loss! Just like the death of a loved one, I think about my infertility every day and will continue to think about it everyday for the rest of my life. I just pray that one day I will think of it in the sense that I beat infertility!
Sorry for the down tone tonight. But I'm just mixed up! I've gone from Crazy lady living with my husband to Negative Nancy! I'll let you know what happens at Dr. D's and what the plans will be from here! Have a good day!!!!!!!!
You have once again made me laugh and brought me to tears all in 1 blog post! Of course I can completely relate to everything you have written! Jonathan and I had the conversation within the last week or so about me not having anything if he died before me. (Of course this came from him doing something stupid, and me trying to convince (or guilt) him into realizing it was stupid.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, you don't have to apologize for being Negative Nancy...this is your blog! You can be Bi*^chy Betty, Negative Nancy or whoever you want to be! Whatever you need to do to express yourself.
Love you and hope your appt goes well! Praying for good numbers!
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