Mother's May funk ending with a tragic twist!

So I am in a serious funk!  I have been here for about 2 or 3 weeks now!  It started about 1 week  before Mother's Day (MD).  The dreaded day that always sucks.  It doesn't matter how hard I try to ignore it, or concentrate on celebrating my mother and mother-in-law.  But for what ever reason, MD isn't just one day for me.  It seems to last about 2-3 weeks, or the entire month of May.

I generally spend the entire week leading up to MD, dreading it.  There are countless advertisements and sales saying "celebrate mom" or "tell her how much she means to you," etc. If I go out shopping during that week I risk being told Happy MD. If I go to the card aisle in any store, I have to be equipped with a box of tissues.  It is not uncommon for me to walk out of the store sobbing.  It generally takes multiple trips to the card aisle before I can actually pick out a card because I usually can't hold the tears back long enough to actually find THE card.  I spend the actual day crying and trying to ignore/avoid it, which ironically causes me to concentrate more on it. It really is amazing that I don't get dehydrated because of all of the water I lose from crying. Just kidding. Then I spend the entire next week or two trying to get over it or come to terms with it.  If either of those is possible.

I have very mixed emotions about the holiday. I don't want to take away for the women who are mothers, especially my own.  But at the same time, I want people to understand that some women, despite how hard they try, can't be mothers.  I also want to stay in the bed and sleep the entire day away.  I can't do that though.  I want to stay in the house and have as little contact with people as possible.  But I want to make sure that my mom knows how much I love her.  I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered by my emotions.

Yesterday, I found myself watching the show "The Waltons."  Mary Ellen and Jonesey were getting married.  After the wedding they went on their honeymoon like most couples.  They went camping.  Not something this city girl would have chosen, but it looked romantic on the tv.  My kind of camping is hooking an RV to a camp site and waking up in a bed to the smell of fresh coffee.  They were sleeping in a bag, on the ground, with no tent. Romantic! Of course the tv doesn't show all of the dirt, bugs, and wild animals that go along with that type of camping.  I know, I know, Katy what is the point. The two newly weds were planning their life together.  They were talking about all of the children they were going to have, what the children were going to look like, and what they were going to name them.  Of course at that moment, the tears flowed.  All I wanted to do was SCREAM at the tv and tell them what fools they were.  I wanted to tell them that they could make all the plans in the world, dream all they wanted, but don't get your hopes up.  Then I thought who is this person in my head, in my heart.  CRAZY LADY! She's baaaaaccckkkk.

Naturally, I wanted to change the channel as fast as I could.  But for whatever reason I didn't. Kevin thinks we (women) like torturing ourselves with emotionally charged crap! Who knows, maybe we do! We are pretty crazy. Anyway. The next morning Mary Ellen went somewhere in their truck (I was still telling them what idiots they were for making these plans so I missed where she was going). She saw a deer in the road, over corrected, and drove off of the mountain. Doctors said she was going to live, but that she had complications in other areas of her body that they didn't expect. A few minutes later the dr came into Mary Ellen's room.  She was joking with him about her scar being too long and he didn't crack a smile. At that moment, I realized where we were going. He is getting ready to tell her that she can't have children anymore. Now, I am intrigued. And to be honest, Crazy lady did say "I told you so!" I can hear you saying "this girl is so weird."  But if you have ever been a party to that very same conversation, you understand what I am talking about. The Dr. told her that she had a tear in her uterus that was causing her to bleed internally.  They stitched it up but she wouldn't be able to have children because the chance of her dying was much too great.  My feelings at that moment completely changed. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that it was going to be ok.  It'll suck, but it's going to be ok!

When she got out of the hospital, she came home to a pregnant sister-in-law.  oooooooo. I just wanted to protect her.  Jonesey hadn't been told yet, so he kept trying to "continue the honeymoon." Wink wink. Mary Ellen kept pulling away. He bought her a sheer robe for MD!  ugggghhhhh!! Then sister-in-law had the baby.  Jonesey started talking about having twins.  OMG WHEN WILL IT END PEOPLE!!!!! Stop torturing this woman!!! Then everyone is asking her to see the baby.  She breaks the news to her father first, and then wishes her mother were there.  Oh the irony! The one word that makes us cringe when someone else says it. But when something goes wrong, that's the one word we want to say.

Dad says she has to tell Jonesey because it isn't fair to him.  She says "is it fair to him that he's married to a woman that can't give him the children that he wants."  WHOAAAA!!! Familiar words!  When she tells Jonesey she says "it isn't your fault, it's me!" IT'S MY FAULT! Jonesey does what any good husband would do, grabs her and holds on tight!  He doesn't tell her that she is being crazy, even though that's exactly what's happening.  He tells her that he is happy with just her and that all that matters is that she is alive and ok. Her response was basically that she understands if he wants to leave and marry someone else who can give him children..  This entire show is infertility in a nutshell.

Then some stupid woman, a fellow infertile, tells Mary Ellen that an adoption agency wouldn't give her a child because she is previously divorced. Someone help her! I think Mary Ellen did a great job not punching her in the face.

That's where I had to stop. I had to leave to go bowl.  I'm very curious how it ends. I'll let you know.

Back to reality: I was telling Jenni the other day that a couple of days after MD I was in the grocery store.  This is the same grocery store I ALWAYS shop at. I know all of the clerks, stock boys, baggers, etc. I saw one of the guys that I always talk to when I go in there and he said hello.  He immediately followed up with "how was your mother's day?"  Immediately I thought "have you ever seen me come in here with a child?" "Do you think my husband and I leave our child at home every time we come to the grocery store?"  " Are you kidding me, did you seriously just ask me that?" At that moment, I had a choice to make. I had to choose between lying and telling him it was great just so that I didn't have to talk about it anymore, or choose to blow him out of the water and tell him that I am infertile and that I think it is totally insensitive of him to ask me how my freakin' mother's day was.  Well I didn't exactly do either of those. I said it was terrible and kept walking. When I got to that same end cap on the other aisle, he said "why was your MD terrible?"  Again, another choice to make.  I said "because I don't have children and I can't have children." The look on his face made me feel terrible for making that choice.  But I have now decided that because of the conversation that then ensued, he won't ask that question so quickly next time.

I think I might get a shirt made for next year. One that says something like "Please don't wish me a happy Mother's Day. I am Infertile!" Not very original, but I think it will get the job done!

But it is days like today that make me even worse. The tragedy in Oklahoma just makes me think even more about whether God is actually sparing me!  I can't imagine the broken hearts of those mothers and fathers of the children killed in the tornado! I can't begin to process how it feels to get the news that you're never going to see your child again. But maybe I can in a way.  I know for sure that some of my friends who have experienced miscarriages can relate.  I know how my heart broke when Jenni and Jonathan told me about their second miscarriage. Personally, I have dreamed of being a mother all of my life.  I was born being a mother.  People tell me that from the time my sister was born I acted like her mother.  I was the same way with my friends in school. I have imagined my children's faces.  I planned how many we would have and what their names would be. And I have been told that I may never see my child. They may not be anything but a figment of my imagination. So we (infertiles) do know the pain these parents are feeling. The only difference is that we have never met our babies.  My heart is absolutely breaking for them.

So tonight, there is no difference or distinction between mothers and infertiles.  The pain is all the same tonight!  I pray that these mothers and fathers are reminded that God loves them and God will take care of them.  God will mend the broken pieces and make his will shine through this terrible tragedy.  I pray that mothers and fathers who are lucky enough to tuck their babies into bed tonight, cherish every second with that child.  I pray that my fellow infertiles and myself can open our hearts and try to understand that we aren't the only ones hurting for our children that we may never see.  I pray that we will all know and search for the love and grace of our God who has such amazing mercy on us, even though in our human minds it doesn't always seem like mercy!

I know this is a compilation of ramblings. I just had too much to say!  God bless you tonight and always!