Well I started thinking about it after my post the other nigiht, and I was wrong! Now before everyone starts marking their calendars and calling the press to report that I admitted I was wrong, let me explain! I made a statement about how out of control I was with infertility, but I realized there are a lot of things I can control! No, I can't plan my pregnancy like lots of couples. That is all in God's hands. I can try, try, and try, but ultimately He is in control and His Will will be done. But there are plenty of other things involved in infertility.
I can control the way I respond to Infertility! Infertility is a VERY stressful thing! I read something the other night that said women who are diagnosed with infertility suffer from stress levels comparable to women diagnosed with cancer and other terminal illnesses. Now I don't know how true that particular statement is because I've never been diagnosed with cancer. But I can definately say that Infertility is the most stressful thing I've ever experienced. It's been more stressful than college, law school, taking the bar, planning a wedding, etc. It can seriously effect you negatively if you let it! But I am learning that it doesn't have to effect me like that, I can choose to be positive! I can choose to smile. Try it. When I start feeling sorry for myself, even if not about infertility, I'll just smile and keep smiling! After a while, I will feel better!
Don't misunderstand me! I will still have "relapse days." There are days that feel like agony. Days I would rather stay in bed, cry and stare at the wall! But everyday that is not like that, is a success and one day closer to coping with infertility.
I can control the way I inform people about Infertility! People don't talk about infertility for a ton of reasons. A lot of those reasons are the same way I've felt and talked about in my last post. But that is only making matters worse. Infertility is a diagnosable medical condition. It is not something to be ashamed of or something to run from. But it is a topic that makes people uncomfortable. You have to talk about things like fallopian tubes, ovaries, sperm, sex, etc. Just watch people squirm if you say the word Vagina outloud! It's quite funny! PENIS! Ok I'm bordering crude now. But my point is, these are just words. Not talking about infertility because we are uncomfortable using anatomically correct terminology is not acceptable. Not talking about infertility because you don't want people to know your story, I understand that too! But not everyone has to tell their story publicly. Telling anyone, a close friend or relative starts the ripple. Just telling people about infertility statistics. This blog is wonderful for me, but might not be for someone else. I have chosen not to be quiet and I can control what efforts I put towards teaching people about Infertility.
I can control the way I react when people give me silly advice! Well before I posted this blog, I could blame their words on the fact that they didn't know what I was truly going through. So I chose to smile, tell them thank you and change the subject. But that wasn't the right reaction. Now I will choose to smile, tell them thank you and stay on the subject of Infertility. Make that an oppurtunity to teach! Explain to them how Infertility is real and can't be fixed by a bottle of wine and standing on my head. I can control how big I smile, how genuine my "thank you" is and the message I give them.
I can choose to smile instead of walk around with a scowl on my face! Sometimes us infertiles can be pretty bitter. I have bitten off my shares of heads. I told you how I started to hate pregnant women just because they were pregnant. Now who am I to be mad at someone for experiencing the one thing I want more than anything? What kind of sense does that make? Do I want others to be mad at me when I get pregnant or adopt my first child? No! That pregnant lady walking across the Wal-Mart parking lot may be a fellow infertile who has been through the same things as me! She may not be infertile. But if I get mad at her for being pregnant and I wish she wasn't, isn't that in some way wishing infertility on her? After experiencing this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Seriously! I can choose to be happy for her.
I can choose to count my blessings, instead of sheep! Ironically enough, I have been having a terrible time with not being able to sleep lately. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am a little energetic. Somewhat comparable to a five year old on crack? Well the past few weeks, I have been wide awake into the wee hours of the morning. When I do finally go to bed, I lay there thinking about everything there is to be thought about. My doctor gave me a perscription for Melatonin, but it is really only scratching the surface. So I was talking to a friend about it the other day, and she told me to try counting my blessings when I lay down. But I think that advice is not just good sleeping advice, but good advice for coping with infertility. If I concentrate on all of the things that I don't have because of infertility, it is SUPER easy to start feeling depressed and relapse. But if I concentrate on all of the ways I am blessed, I start to smile and feel warm and tingly inside.
I have a wonderful husband who adores me. He is so supportive and understanding. He lets me fall apart when I need to and stands right beside me eagerly holding up the pieces. He does small things like squeezing my hand when Dr. D gives me bad news. He stops to get me ice cream after a crying session with the pastor just so I will feel better. He encourages me when I say things like "I'm gonna start a blog." He makes me laugh, he hugs me just because, and acts like a goof along with me! That is just a tiny example of the blessing he is to me. I can't imagine going through this without him. Some women aren't as lucky as I am to have a partner who is willing to stand by them in this struggle. Blessed!
I have amazing parents and family! My parents have always made it very clear how proud of me they are, how much they love me, and how dedicated that are to me and my sister.When we first found out we were on a timeline, I had delusional goals of raising $15,000 through fundraisers in 3-4 months. My dad loves to Bar-B-Q. So I asked them if we could sell some bar-b-q. Mom and dad did everything they could to help us. My sister got up super early and drove an hour to help me have a yardsale to raise money! My mother-in-law (MIL) and brother-in-law (BIL) are the best I could ask for! They have accepted me as if I were their real daughter and sister. They love me and make me feel like I've been around forever! They support Kevin and I in everything we do and we couldn't ask for more! My extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins is great too! I am still so very blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents. I have 7 uncles, 4 aunts, and 14 cousins who are a blast to be with! That doesn't even touch Kevin's family! They are great as well! Standing behind us and encouraging us! Blessed!
Then there are the Ds (not Dr. D). I don't know what to call them. Friend doesn't work anymore, because we are too close for that title. They are like family but still just a little different. J has been my best friend for so long now that I don't remember life without her! D has become an unexpected wonderful friend too! They honored Kevin and I with the oppurtunity of being Z and J's Godparents. They had the most beautiful, sweet little girl 6 years ago. Just over a year ago J was pregnant with baby J. It was when she was pregnant that they asked us to be Z and J's Godparents. It wasn't long after that that she asked me to be present for baby J's birth. Knowing that I might never get to experience childbirth, I was thrilled to be apart of such a wonderful thing. The funny things is, I didn't think twice about it. Sharing that day with J and being right there for the birth of baby J created a bond that is unimaginable. Even though it didn't go as we planned, it was a day that I will never forget and never stop cherishing! The first time I saw that chuncky monkey in the nursery, I was hooked. I thank God for all four blessings everyday! Blessed!
Oh and my friends and co-workers! To call them friends and co-workers is really a misnomer. My work family is how they should be characterized. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with. I spend more time with them than my actual family, so we have to love each other. I have cried, fumed, and laughed so much with these people. They have seen me at my absolute worst and blessed me at my best! I am so incredibly thankful for them! Blessed!
See I'm crying out of happiness and smiling from ear to ear! It works, I promise! So from now on I will control these things that I can, and pray about those things that I can't. I will count my blessings, instead of sheep!
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