The holiday is over! I'm back so let's unpack!

Well I'm back from my hyatus!  Sorry I left you guys for so long! But it has been a crazy couple of weeks! I hope you all had a great Christmas holiday! To my fellow infertiles, I hope it wasn't too hard! I have been gone for about 2 weeks, so let me catch you up!

Well about 2 weeks ago I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I didn't recognize the number on my missed calls and I suck at checking my voicemails, so it wasn't until about a week later that I found out who had called.  It was my RE's office.  They were calling to check in with Kevin and I to see when we wanted to start an IVF cycle. Well knowing that we are about $14,250.00 short of affording an IVF cycle, I mumbled to myself "NEVER!"  Luckily I was in my office and no one could hear me talking to myself. People might look at me a little funnier than they already do!  Kevin always tells me that I haven't mastered talking to myself quietly! I tell him that I have!  I whisper when I talk to myself, which is much quietier than when I talk to other people.  Anyway!  I sat at my desk for a while and thought about what to do!  Kevin and I had decided that we were going to adopt, and we were pretty satisfied and at peace with that decision, until I went to my surgeon's office (Dr. L).  When I saw Dr. L for my pre-op appointment, she asked me what the next step for us was going to be.  I told her adoption and she looked at me like I had four heads and 1 eyeball.  Seriously, she cocked her head to the side, squinted her eyes and just stared. She asked why, I told her about the AMH score, and she said (in her cute little french accent) "you aren't even going to see how you stimulate first?" Well that, of course, peeked my interest.  I asked her what she meant.  She told me that AMH is such a new concept for medicine (about 10 years old), with a lot of uncertainty, and she would hate to see us quit based solely on that score.  Now I must tell you that I trust my RE completely.  He has been doing this work for a very long time and is one of the best!  But when Dr. L said that I definately questioned our decision.

So when I got the message from Dr. D's office, I had to think about what to do next.  Most women would call their husband and talk it over with him.  Not me!  I am the type that has to come to the table with a solution and I don't want to bother him with the stress until I have that fix. So I sat there for a good 5 or 10 minutes and stared at the wall. I started to cry as I thought about the options and how every option wasn't possible.  Well I realized I was starting to get to the point of no return.  I was starting to cry so hard that I wasn't going to be able to control it soon.  If I had been at home that would have been fine, but at work, not so much.  So I called Dr. D's office and set up an appointment. We go on January 3rd to discuss options!

Needless to say, I have spent the past week and a half wondering and thinking.  But I managed to keep myself busy enough to enjoy the holiday. We had a week of court the week before Christmas, so that kept me hopping.  Then with all of the shopping, gift wrapping, baking, gatherings and such I didn't have a lot of time to think about it.  December 23rd is my sister's birthday. So we went out for dinner.  While we were there I discovered another fellow infertile. That made me feel better. Not that she was infertile! But she told me about her situation, and that made me stop thinking about my problems. On Christmas Eve we spent a lovely night at Kevin's mom's house, which was especially nice after a long day of baking. 

Then Christmas day was finally here!  This was my first Chirstmas of being an official infertile. Remember that we have known there would be difficulties for the past 10 years, but it wasn't until September that a diagnosis sealed the deal.  So this Christmas was a little different than Christmases past.  In the past I would have a moment of sadness and would reassure myself with the unknown.  That 20% chance! God can do a lot with 20%!  I know God can do a lot with 0% too, but this human couldn't stop feeling sorry for herself this year! It was much harder to lift myself back up. Christmas morning I woke up fine.  As I started getting ready, I started to think.  That translates to I started to cry.  Luckily, Kevin was still asleep so he didn't know! I really couldn't have told you why I was crying.  There wasn't a thing that caused it.  Nothing had happened.  Tears just started rolling down my face.  But I couldn't stop it! Finally, I got it under control. I made myself up as best I could so that no one would notice. Kevin still did! But I told him I couldn't talk about it (cause I would have started up again and I really couldn't explain it) and we went to his grandparents' house.

When we got there, we were met with the smell of country ham, bacon, eggs, and rolls. We also had a beautiful pregnant lady standing in the living room.  HOLD THE PHONE!  Before you think bad thoughts, I was SUPER excited to see her.  You see she is a fellow infertile who is three months pregnant following a five years struggle and her 1st cycle of IVF. So we had nothing but pregnant infertile love for her.  It was awesome to see her little baby bump and listen to her tell me all about her past three months of doctors appointments and what's to come.  I was feeling better almost instantly.  I stayed busy the rest of the day and didn't really have time to pay attention to the emotional blurps that periodically popped into my head.

When I finally slowed down and we were in for the night, I got punched in the face!  Kevin went outside to play with his new toys, and I had to clean up and wrap some more presents. I spent an entire hour wrapping one present because my mind was focused on how creative I could be with the bow, not "I'll never get to stay up all night doing this on Christmas Eve to see my child rip it open."  About that time Kevin came in, sat downstairs with me and started wathing tv.  Everything was fine, until... Kevin was watching "The Big Bang Theory." Sheldon made reference to different ways to make money.  One of those ways was selling sperm. Kevin said something to the effect of "Hey I could do that" or "I wonder how much it goes for" and it was over!  I know he meant nothing by it and normally it was be a haha funny comment, but not today! I immediately thought, oh so some other woman can have your children, because I can't!  I know that is crazy lady thinking, but I couldn't help it.  All I said was I don't think so, and I went to my room. I sat there and did my crying until I was better.

But to his defense, he didn't mean any harm by it and couldn't have known how I would take that comment because I hadn't expressed to him how I was feeling. So he waited a few minutes, let me have my private moment, then came to check on me once my door was open! He handled it the best way he could.  He is such a great hubby!

That was my Christmas!  A lot of joy, with a side of crazy lady!  My number one lesson was to take a moment to myself and let it all out!  I felt so much better after I cried in my room and just let it go!  So that's what it's gonna take! I hope your Christmas was wonderful and not too difficult!  Keep your head up and have a GREAT day!